Well I just got back from my little cruise with Jeff. I dropped by his house and we wanted to just take a little drive and talk things out. Jeff is starting to realize why Christie was scared of becoming more than friends and such and such. For me we talked about how everything would be different if I would not have fought the moment with Tawni back in Sept. It felt good talking to someone going thru the same thing. Our situations are somewhat alike except I prevented them from making the same mistake I did which was not saying anything. They took that step i never took and even if they do not hook up, they will have that opportunity that never presented itself to me. Jeff said something that made me feel better though..."don't worry James, your time will come because you are a good man. All things happen for a reason and soon your end up with her" After I got home I turned off the engine, opened the moonroof and just stared at the sky listening to "Still on my Brain" for a little bit b4 going inside.

O yeah one other thing.......

happy 18th birthday Marianne (enjoy the big panda)

Song Of The Day - Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing
Currently Feeling - Pretty Good

hmmm.....today was ok. I ended up sleeping at 3 AM last nite. I woke up late and I almost forgot that I was working at the cobra corner. In marketing we had a couple test which I think I did pretty well. In Bio it was alright, you can start to see the awkwardness happen a little. It hasn't really affected me but I dunno I just can't get used to the idea of Paul being there. In math, Moses and me made a couple of bets since we finished early. We made one bet to see who would get the better grade at the end of the year and the other bet I made was that Tawni would get a better grade than him in History. Anyways I also talked to Christie and we tried to help each others situation. Afterschool I got to show Tawni the big panda bear I gave my older sis. I dropped of Frank, got some gas, picked up Barbie, then picked up Marianne. I just got home a couple minutes ago and I'm really tired. I still have to talk to Christie cuz Jeff wanted me to talk to her.

Random Things.....

hmmm.....I can't find Tawni's blog.......heh the curiousity is getting the better of me

Hmm...my plans for tomorrow is I'm gonna watch the basketball game with Jeff and Christie then we'll all go to Amber's party.......

hmmm.........I feel really good about myself, I dunno I got a chance to talk to Tawni for a couple hours. I really like talking to her cuz I can be myself without having to worry about what I'm gonna say. She said that if I ever brought up eggs she would cook me deviled eggs for dinner.....yum...yum.....After Tawni called, Jeff did and I talked to him about him and Christie and about me and Tawni. Well there not going to be girlfriend/boyfriend but their kinda gonna be unofficial. They are good together and it's nice to see Jeff not make the same mistake as I did.

hmm...I got Amber to start a blog and now I got Tawni to but I have to find it first......

That's all I really wanted to say other than there is nowhere to eat at 11 o clock at nite

Song Of The Day - SR-71 - Tomorrow
Currently Feeling - Good

Today was a really good day for me which is the exact opposite of what I thought was gonna happen. hmmm.....well with the whole thing with Jeff and Christie's starting to clear up. It actually looks very familiar to my situation before Paul. Christie is scared that if they hooked up and then they broke up then it would become weird between them. They both told me that they both enjoy each others company and can be themselves with each other. It's not a attraction of just looks but it's more on personality. It's very sweet but at the same time very similar. I just hope that it doesn't end up the way mines did.

Well I'm glad to say that I didn't end up being as sad as I thought I was gonna be. I was thinking about it last nite then I thought about what Tawni's sis told me and I realized that she also has her problems right now so I don't want her to think that she did something wrong. During Bio I was talking to her about her problems and just let listened and gave her advice.

hmmm.....after school after I dropped off Barbie I went to Arrowhead to get Amber and my sis' gift. I gotta pick up my sis tomorrow for her birthday so hopefully I don't have a lot of homework. For Amber's party I'm trying to get someone to go with, I'll probably talk Jeff into coming and if he doesn't come I'll get Christie to go.

I'm feeling better after a nap and a couple other things. 1st Jeff calls and tells me that if there is anything that he can do then to just ask. It feels good to know I have friends willing to watch my back. Hell even Ian said he would squash everything with Tawni for me and seeing their relationship is now that meant a lot. So to all my friends I say thanks for your help and if there is anything you can do I'll ask but for the time being all we can do is watch..........

On a brighter note Christie and Jeff finally kissed....it's a long story but it's cute, Christie was driving Jeff home and she told him that it was a shortcut. She stops the car, turns to him and says lets just get this over with and kisses him. hmmm....cupids arrow has struck again

hmmm.....I talked to Amber 2day, she can look at my blog cuz she already knows about me liking Tawni so everything I can tell her. We also don't talk much at skool so it's just a way to see what's up in my life......also I got her to create a blog of her own so when I get the address I'll check it out

I also feel better after talking to her sis about things it's good to get things off your chest and next to telling her herself it's the next best thing

Song Of The Day - N'Sync - Gone
Currently Feeling - Anger

Well the worst possible fuckin thing happened. Paul is the new fuckin TA for my AP Bio class..........holy shit I really think someone has it in for me. I'm so fuckin pissed right now, whether or not he did this intentionally, I honestly don't care. This is bullshit, he has the whole fuckin day with her and the only time I had to talk to her alone was Bio but that is the past. God no matter how hard I try to put on a smile, this time it's not gonna work. I guess that's what happens when you try to be nice and do the right thing, they will always finish last. I know I need to change, I'm tired of having to step aside, tired of having to withdraw myself for the well-being of others.....and really it's funny cuz the night b4 I was talking with Jeff and he brought up a scenerio which I didn't really pay much attention to, until now. Shit after all of this...u have to ask yourself what the fuck else can go wrong.......

Here is what Tawni is......yeah were really bored so were just talking online...


What Is Your Animal Personality?
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hmmmm....well as V Day looms it's pink head over everything it leads me to this post. Well as I said earlier this hasn't been the greatest day for me, but the weird thing was that it was a pretty normal day. Jeff could tell I was hiding something and i just got off the phone with him cuz he wanted to check to see if everything was cool. Well I guess for the time-being it has subsided but I know with February heading round the corner, I know the pink and red will be soon to follow. I went to Fry's and Walgreens a little bit ago and they had it's own aisle full of chocolate hearts, flowers, teddy bears, and it really made me feel kinda sad. It just made me realize how vulnerable I'm at right now. and with Feb not even started yet old wounds have opened wide and already have begun piercing at me a little. Well that's it I just had to rant a bit lates

I just finished my essay so I was bored so...........


What Is Your Animal Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ok let me explain a little about my post, from what i said, I feel weird for some reason. The reason is that I got to school this morning and I saw them walking together. and I thought that sure I have one class period with her but that's it while he has every other moment with her. That's why I felt kinda out of it today. I don't know what brought it up cuz I always see them together but today seemed to hurt a little more than usual.

Now onto yesterday....I had Adam and Dusty just come over and kick it at my house at the super bowl. It was pretty sick on the big screen and surround sound.....until the whole neighborhood blacks out. We go outside and you can hear all the pissed off guys who were in the middle of watching the Bucs hand the Raiders ass to them. What a debacle.....I'm surprised yet I'm not, I thought it would be closer but at the same time that's about the same score when the Bucs played against the Raiders in Madden (right Tiano).......

Today other than the whole Tawni-Paul thing bugging me today, I had to figure out something for Jeff and Christie....I can't only give them advice but I can't make a move for each of them if they don't want to. Also I need to find someone to go to Amber's party with. I asked Jeff knowing he wouldn't go but I may be able to convince him otherwise. I may be able to get Christie to come, or just some girl since I don't want to go to the party alone. Well Amber's probably gonna be busy with her friends, Tawni's probably gonna be busy with Paul and her friends, Pat I don't know if he's gonna come becuz he may be out of town. and I doubt I'll know a lot of other people.

Oh yeah I knows she knows more than she puts on....I can tell but one thing I've learn is not to say anything until your completely sure

Tawni's Song Of The Day: Rubber Ducky- Ernie

James Is such a weirdo!!!! Do any of you understand half of the time whathe is saying? With all of the "I dont knows" I would be confused. Oh well, maybe its because you guys are allowed to read this and I am not. But I am allowed to leave messages and you not so ha.... Anywho, Ap Bio is so boring... I should have dropped it!!! But I stayed for James... only by force... HE THREATENED ME!!! No really I would feel bad if I left him by himself. He would be lonely with out me, we have become good partners in crime in class...yes siry bob.... Anywho, Barbie James was telling me that Ian's sister said I was mean... dont listen to her cuz whatever Ian said in't true because he is an ass! No really he talks crap about me all the time that is't true becuse he didn't get what he wanted. lol Stupid Boyz!!!! Well mI should get back to class work BOYZ R DUMB!!!! Well Got to go.

Song Of The Day - Common ft. Mary J. Blige - Come Close To Me
Currently Feeling - Confused

y james go......it's weird it really is, this weekend I thought little or nothing about it but I came in this morning to school and all of a sudden it just hit me yet again. It comes in waves.....just when I think it's over a bigger one hits out of nowhere. I don't have an answer for it, my couz said in order to get it off my mind I should just come out with it. I don't think I'm gonna do it for the reasons before but it's definately .....oh by the way I'm looking at stars right now.......... hmmm....so I dunno this wave will probably pass over for the time being then I'll be good for a week, then it hit again. james is a punk...says Tawni no not really...she will write in it later maybe.......anyways I'm trying to prevent the same thing from repeating with Jeff and Christie, it would really suck because they both like each other, they both are right for each other, but they are both stubborn..... Anyways to sum up what I'm feeling right now is really confused...don't know what to do, don't even know why it's bugging me today out of the normal buggyness...... Anyways I'll write about Super Bowl Sunday when I get home.......oh by the way it's really confusing me right now..

Song Of The Day - Field Mob - Sick Of Being Lonely Rmx
Currently Feeling - OK

heh, I had a bunch of strange dreams but it all ended on a downfall. I only remember two, the first one was I came home and Shaun Mc. comes over with a little kid and we just kick it then the little kid starts messing with the volvo and I'm playing around with him telling him I'm gonna pick him up and throw him around. The little kid leaves after a little bit then we go inside the volvo and listen to music and that was it. The 2nd dream was that I was in AP Bio with Tawni when all of a sudden Paul came in with heart balloons and sang my own song and used it against me. I remember just sitting there in disbelief as she hugged and kissed Paul. I worry about that since Valentine's day is coming and that would kill me seeing something like that.

hmmmm....I didn't really do much last nite...... I took a nap after watching Borne Identity then I woke up gave my sis a ride to church then went over to Jeff's to see what he was up to after Sadie Hawkins. I talked with him for a while then went back home. I picked up my moms then called up everyone but everyone was working. It sucked, I went to Fry's to see what time Bobby got off work but he was going hunting tomorrow and he had to leave at 4 AM so I didn't want to keep him up. Finally I got ahold of Jason and we ate at In-N-Out then we were trying to look for the illegals. Unfortunately we were a little early and we didn't want to wait so we just talked about relationships then I dropped him off. I feel kinda bad cuz he's been bugging me lately but were cool now. For today I'm just gonna go to church, I can't go to community service since my dad's going fishing. I'm just gonna call up some peeps and just watch over at my house.

Random Things.....

I feel scared about Valentine's Day, I don't have a girlfriend nor does it look like I'm gonna get one any time soon. Valentines day is always a double edged sword, it can be one of the best days if your a romantic and have a girlfriend but at the same time it can be the worst if you are a romantic without a g/f. and you can classify me as the 2nd one.....

I feel that I need to move on, cuz all i'm doing is waiting and it looks like I may be waiting a long time. But I haven't found anyone that made me feel that way. I mean there are nice girls but there's a certain feeling that tells you to go for that person and I haven't found it in anyone else yet. It weird cuz my and Christie are good friends now similar to the way Tawni and me became friends but I don't feel like that with Christie. So I'm stuck in the worst predicament in that I can't or won't tell Tawni how I feel cuz I don't want Tawni to have to choose or make things complicated but at the same time can't find anyone that'll make me wanna do something with them.

Song Of The Day - Tyrese - How You Gonna Act Like That
Currently Feeling - Ok

heh the post from yesterday was from Tawni when we went to the library for AP Bio. The good news is that she isn't gonna drop the class which is great. I'm so happy!!.....Anyways hmmm let's see yeah I do print out my blog for her since she can't see it online without me there but I do have to edit some things. She likes my song which I made from a couple days ago though she doesn't know that it's directed towards her. Anyways afterschool Christie called and asked me about some good Creed songs. I know it has something to do with Jeff cuz that's his favorite group. I hung out with Adam most of the day, we played some video games and then we went to In-N-Out for some food then watched Undisputed. I couldn't keep myself up so I went home and passed out. This morning I tried to call Amber cuz she said she needed to talk to me but she wasn't home so I watched the Borne Identity which is actually a pretty good movie. I have a gimp in my leg right now cuz I was stretching when I woke up and my leg got a crap which hurt like a bitch but I'll live though it. hmm.....I don't really have anything planned for today I'll just kinda let things happen. I sorta want to watch Darkness Falls but I can't think of anyone to watch it with. Tomorrow I'm gonna do some community service with my church and then I may go to a super bowl party but I don't know which one yet.

Random Things......

hmmm as I look at Kazaa I have 139 songs but only 5 rap songs. That's compared to 59 punk songs and 47 slow jams. heh that's the drought rap is having right now for me.

I found my little black book so now hopefully my little skid last week will come to an end.....

Tonite is the Sadie Hawkins dance.....I have to wonder how it'll be for Jeff and Christie.......

I can't seem to find the missing verse that would have replaced the 3rd verse. I thought is sounded way better but I had to remove it because I thought it was too emotional and plus Tawni would have found out for sure it was about her. Now it's locked up in my head and I can't even remember it anymore.

Tawni's Song Of The Day: The Toys R Us Theme Song- Geffry the Giraffe

Hi! Hi Tara! You PUNK!!!! Anywayz, James and I are sitting in Ap bio right now. Its not very intresting, but I am excited because James is letting me write in his blog. :) I am allowed to say that you guys ned to tell James that he needs to edit his print outs better. ummm.... I am speechless for once. humm humm... The "x" Spot...MOOSE...lol sorry that for James. So yeah I want to tell all of you that read this to have a goo day and stuff... ummm Hi Christian!!!! lol Hey Barbie I like you blog... I am a bubble butt too!!! lol. U seem like a nice girl too. Thanx. Later

Song Of The Day - Simple Plan - My Alien
Currently Feeling - Uncertain

Well today wasn't really my day. I had to go to school early this morning cuz I worked in the cobra corner. In first hour I had english, once again I''m trying to figure out how I can get Jeff and Christie together. I know that they both are unsure of each other but I know that they just need a push in the right direction. Jeff told me that they went shopping yesterday and everything between them seemed tight. They were just great together but as soon as they get to school she starts to avoid them. I talked to her and she says that people go up to her and ask about them and she doesn't want to make it look like she's all over him. So now I'm thinking of a plan to get those two together. Nothing really in marketing, in Bio I missed 13 on my test. Shit really I should have done better but he got me all confused on the structure cuz of the whole lipids placed with amino acids. Oh well hopefully I did well in the essay section and that would bring my grade up to mabe a B if I'm really lucky. Also Tawni missed 14 so she's gonna ask if she should drop Bio.............. I went to lunch with Adam and Hubert at Sonic and met up with Mike and Cam. I also saw Troy but he stayed in his car with Andrew. I'll talk more about him later. Anyways nothing in math. I drop off Frank then go to Kachina to pick up my sis. I talk to Ian and luckily I don't have to do any defending but he tells me about how he got into an accident in Bobby's car. He also got bitched at by some lady. It was pretty funny. Anyways I drove around for a little bit and when I got home I got a call from Jeff and he wants me to call Christie to see if she's avoiding his call. So I did and she answered but was sleeping so that answered Jeff's question. Now I'm home printing up some blogs. Unfortunately they have been edited for the reader........

Random Things.........

hmmmm.....the quote I used in english is a very good quote and it was something that I directed towards Jeff and Christie, and something that I would have told myself 4 months ago if I had the chance........
"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved." -William Jennings Bryan

As long as I'm in the literary mood I'll mention that I ended up writing a slow jam of my own last nite. I used a generic beat to give me a rhythm. I had to change the last two verses because it would have given it up that it was about Tawni. If I could find it then I'll post it but for now I'll give you the edited version of my song.....

Verse 1
As I watch you Holding Hands, standing side by side
I think to myself, how grand it would be, If I could switch for one night
But I think to myself, that I'll be alright, that I'll find someone new
And then days turned to weeks, then weeks into months, and together they grew
But as I look into my soul
I know I need you to make me whole

Bridge
and I know it's too late, I know it's not right, but tonite is the night
To say......

Chorus
I love you
I'd never say it unless it's true
I've never felt this way before, until you
What can I say
To make you feel the say way
I just need one chance, one opportunity, one glance

Verse II
As the hand begins to move, I feel time has gone
You have been taken, to somewhere forsaken, where I cannot come
Now I stand in the corner, you two get closer, I feel it all come apart
My heart is in pieces, my spirit depleated, nothing else to do but watch
But as I read these lyrics through
I know my one and only is you

Bridge X I

Chorus X I

Verse III


As I look into my heart, did I do the right thing
We sat in the car, in the still of the night, everything was in place
But I thought to myself, I won't break her trust, I won't make her decide
So she walks up the stairs, into the night, leaving me asking why
And then I thought of all the time
I had to ask her if she would be mine
But I was just too late, I'm all out of place ,tonite wasn't right to say

Chorus X I

I think it's a pretty good song since it came from the heart and I didn't force it out. I'll disect some of the verses for you to interpret
The first verse is pretty self explanitory. The first two lines is my saying that I will never tell anyone I love them unless I mean it. Finally the last verse is probably the most descriptive in the sense of something actually happening. That was from a couple days ago when I said that I was thinking about doing it.

On the matter of Troy, I told Tawni what he said. I wasn't planning to but Tawni jarred it out of me. The whole Cave Creek thing was bullshit as I thought. I told her to watch for two faced guys. On the other hand i'm dissapointed in myself but at the same time a bit proud of myself. Troy told me that he would try and break them up if i told him to. Paul and Troy are good friends and he would be a good shot, but I thought to myself fuck that, I would never put her through something like that and that would make me as two faced as Troy and Ian have become.

Well I'm an idiot. Remember the coincidence I was talking about. Well it turned out it wasn't who I expected......lol it does make sense though. lol good thing I didn't say anything

well my archives are somewhat screwed up on bloggers part but it's still there so if you want to see a certain month then go to this url http://jamzgo.blogspot.com/2002_08_01_jamzgo_archive.html, all you have to do is change the date to the month that you want to look at.

Song Of The Day - Simple Plan - When I'm With You
Currently Feeling - So very confused

Ok well so that I don't lose track of myself I'll start off on what I did yesterday. Well we had a study group last nite from 3:30 to 5 so afterschool Tawni went with me to go get some cough drops then to go pick up my sis. I do have to say they were one of the best cough drops ever. Anyways we waited at Kachina for my lil sis when I see Ian pull up next to me and word something out I think it was bitch. A couple minutes later Ian comes up and I talk to him for a little bit. The whole time Ian avoids her. So afterwards we go over to Christy's house and we talk with her for a little bit til Jeff arrives. Soon afterwards Alicia arrives. Leslie wasn't able to come because of dance. Anyways we studied probably for an hour when Alicia had to leave. We began talking and did a bunch of stuff like reading the bible, watching American Idol, talking about girls and guys. I felt a connection between Jeff and Christie that night. I also felt that there were plenty of times I had the chance to do it but I didn't for the reasons from the last post. The Bible stuff was cool, although Jeff did step on a lot of peeps toes by the comments he made. Also Tawni got pretty pissed at her mom cuz she was thinking about dropping Bio and how she doesn't go to Robots anymore. In the car I was trying to make her feel better by listening to her problems and just giving advice. I won't get into more details on the car trip since I already wrote so much already on it. I don't know how to explain it, I feel like I'm just right there but there's a glass ceiling preventing me from moving up and that glass ceiling is made up of Paul and all my other afterthoughts. After a day though I'm still a believer in the decision I made not to do it was the right thing to do. I guess also after we left Jeff and Christy ended up talking another hour. Jeff said that they were talking about me and Tawni and how right we are and stuff like that. I think it's cute that they got a chance to talk outside by themselves and they both said that they lost track of time.

That was yesterday and today was not as weird but left me feeling awkward. Well in english Jeff and I talked alot about our problems with each other. I told Jeff that he should meet her halfway and that they both have to make a comprimise in order for them to become an item. For me, Jeff said "Fuck Paul dude, you have to tell her how you feel, I think she feels the same way about you. Just don't sweat Paul, he's just a roadblock". Then after class Christie pulled me over to the side to talk to me, she asked me if I told her and I told her the real reason why I didn't which she thought was sweet and she told me that I could get any girl if I showed that side to people. She also said that I made the right decision that it would have put her in an awkward position. I talked to her about Jeff and told her that if she wanted it to work she is gonna have to meet him halfway and comprimise. Well after that was marketing. It seems David, Troy, and Adrian like to talk about it alot. Adrian and David said pretty much the same thing as Jeff. The weird comment in all of it was Troy. He said that he hated her and that she was using Paul and that I should find someone else better. He then gave me an example of when he saw Paul by himself and asked him what he was doing and I guess he said he was going to cave creek to pick up one of Tawni's friends. I didn't really know what to think, I mean Troy is one of Paul's good friends but at the same time I know Tawni wouldn't force Paul into doing something like that and that he probably insisted in doing it. I wasn't sure if he was serious about what he said about her being a bitch and how he didn't like her until later on in the day. In bio I talked to Tawni for a little bit and reassured her that she would do a good job on the test. The test wasn't as hard as I thought but was still hard. Tawni said she did a good job so that'll put my mind at ease for the moment that she won't drop the class. i did tell her though that I wouldn't let her leave. lol even if it meant carrying her to class everyday. After class I went with Adrian to his house and then to Dairy Queen. When we got back at school I yet again had to endure yet another round of comments and suggestions. This time I saw Ian, he called me over to his car and asked me what I was doing with Tawni yesterday. He said that he didn't care and he already got some from her (hmmm....if that's what he wants to believe). We then go to Troy and Andrew and Troy says that he hates both Amber and Tawni. Yup that confirmed that he was being serious to me when he said that. Well after that I had math which was irritating me cuz of my calculator then I just went and got some gas and now I'm home. I'm really tired and the only homework I have is to find a quote.

Random Things....

Why does everyone seem to take special interest in my personal life lately. I mean I can understand back in elementary school back in the day but were in high school now and yet everyone knows about it and has their own opinions and comments about it.

I was shocked when Troy said that, I mean I thought he was cool with her......

Well that's all I have to say for now......took an hour and now I'm sleepy so I'm gonna take a nap and recharge my batteries and let my brain regather itself

Song Of The Day - Sugarpie Honeybun
Currently Feeling - A lot

Well I've already written alot on it but I think I'll add a little bit more before I get on. I just want to know if I'm stupid in doing what I did. It wasn't like I chickened out, or got scared into not telling her but when we talked about relationships and trust I felt as though I would have betrayed it if I had told her. I know it would have complicated things and I don't want anything bad to happen between her and Paul even though I don't like him. I would be happy to see them together as long as he treated her right and didn't do anything fucked up even if it meant me not getting my 2nd chance. I had my chance to say something but I chose to add some credibility to Paul's name by telling her that I don't think Paul would hurt her like Mike or Ian has. I don't want to be wrong about that, I'm being completely honest, no matter how much she says it didn't hurt her I know deep down it did have an effect on her and if Paul did the same, well lets just say I don't want that to happen. My gut instinct told me the time wasn't right and I listened to it.

You know it's funny how fate chooses to work it's magic no matter how subtle it may be. On the first day of school, if I had been just a minute early, everything in my life would be completely different than it is right now. I would have never chosen to sit by her. I never would have gotten to know her, I never would have fallen for her, I wouldn't have grown as a person like I have this year. All because I took an extra minute, a fuckin extra minute to walk to class. You never really think how time so short can change your life so drastically. It's crazy to think of it but I'll just be grateful to fate that it held me back one minute so that I would have had the only place to sit which was in front of Tawni.

Hmmm....i'm really tired and still have to study so I'll have to delay telling you about today til 2morrow. I have a lot of tihngs to do and to think of.

This is a very different post that I'll normally put up. I'll put up my post on my day after this but I have to get this out of my head. I had my opportunity, I felt scared but I knew I could do it. I was planning on telling her when I dropped her off. We talked about trust and relationships and I just had this sudden feeling that I don't want her to feel that I have misused my trust in her. She has been through alot with Ian and she still isn't sure that if things don't work out with her and Paul and the same shit happens again. I just don't want to hurt her. I don't want to complicate things between her and Paul. I don't know, I really like her, in fact I like her so much that I couldn't do it. There's just so much going thru my head right now. I just want her to be happy even if it means my misfortunes. heh I never thought I'd say something like this.

Also I'm legitimately scared that she may drop AP Bio. It's my only class with her this semester and with her hanging out with Paul alot, it's my only time I can really talk to her. Whenever I seem to call her, Paul happens to be there and then the conversation just turns weird. I guess it just scares me, I mean what if we lose touch with each other. That's scary for me, cuz she's a real good friend, someone I can talk completely honest to without having to worry about if they would think I was stupid or something. If I could sacrifice my grade for hers I would, she's gonna base her decision on how she does on this test, and this test is gonna be bitchy hard. God I never really thought about her dropping bio and it's weird I have that bio test to worry about but I honestly don't care about it right now. You will always get another test, I can get over an F, but I don't know about this........there's just so much going on, there's just so much stuff that's coming to my head that I can write but everything is coming so fast I can't type fast enough to put it all down.

Well I've got my plan set right now although I feel really scared about it. The last two times I've tried to tell her, they have all seemed to fuck up completely. The first time I was hurt, the 2nd time I was crushed, if there is a third (knock on wood) then I'll be.....more crushed...... I don't want to jinx it so I'll start thinking positive. A good point came up however and that is I never really thought how she's gonna take it or interpret it. I mean I don't expect her to say that she feels the same way cuz I know she's with Paul but the ones I hope she doesn't say is just "ok" or "you shouldn't have told me that". I will have no answers or reply's for those.

There's a study group tommorrow afterschool and I'm giving her a ride so my plan is I'll tell her when I drop her off at her house.

well that's it I guess for now, I'm at a loss for words so that is the best that I can come up with

Song Of The Day - Simple Plan - I'd Do Anything
Currently Feeling - Good yet scared

hmmm.....well I've done alot of thinking yesterday, and as you know those second guesses came to my head but I resisted the urge to back out. The only problem that I can see is that everywhere she goes Paul is there. I would do it after bio but he'll be there right after class. Every other time I see her at school, Paul is there so it does present a problem. Phone is a last resort but I got an idea that may work.

hmmm.....last nite I went to Wendy's with Adam cuz he owed me money. We then played a little smackdown then went home and watched some sportscenter. Looks like it's the Bucs and the Raider Nation. My guess is Bucs 17 Raider 10....u heard it hear....j/k

my plans for today is I gotta drive my sis back to Tucson 10-around 1. Bio Homework 1-around 3-4, i may watch 2 weeks notice again if I can find someone to watch it with, or if I want to watch it alone (doubtful). May go over to Adam's for a little bit.

I'm trying to think of what I'm gonna say, any help would be appreciated

hmmmm.......well I've got a decision to make. I've already made it but how I'll carry it out i'm thinking of right now. I will say two things right now though. One I found what I've missed since Tawni and Paul became official and that was listening to my gut instinct. Now that I've regained that I plan to use it. I've had a bunch of little signs up til now where I've got my big one so fate I've got ur message and I will follow thru this time. The 2nd is I will not back out of my word when I said that I will not try and break them up. I made my decision that I will tell her but I'm not going to ask her out, break up with Paul, or anything. I just think it's the right thing to do. I'm not going to do it online, or use the phone, but do it in person where I feel it's best so there is no misinterpretations in emotions. It'll just be a matter of finding her without Paul.

Song Of The Day - Keith Sweat - Twisted
Currently Feeling - OK

Well my day didn't go as planned which kinda sucked but I guess I somewhat salvaged it. Well I guess I'll start from the beginning. Adam came over and we tried to play smackdown but it kept freezing so we went to blockbuster to exchange it. We went to Adam's house and chilled there for a little bit until Jason called and said he was gonna pick me up to go to the concert. He does and we go on the freeway where we almost die three separate times. We finally get there and Tawni sees me and calls us over. So it was Tawni, Paul, Chad, Jason, Frank, and me. I went out and ate with Chad and Jason, then we came back and I talked with Tawni for a little bit. We then heard it was sold out which was pretty gay but I guess that's life. I guess it was a good thing, I mean I'm still not 100% and I didn't know if I would have felt up to it, but Tawni wanted me to go so I willed myself to go. So I got to talk to Tawni for a little bit, then went to Adam's house. I guess I can always catch them when they come back to town. When we get there, there's 5 of us, Jason, Frank, Adam, Dusty, and me. So I go back home to pick up my PS2 so we can split playing. We played for a couple hrs then I came home. My parents made me drive my lil sis and her friends to bowling, then I had to go and pick her up at 2 in the morning so I'm writing this pretty tired. Tomorrow I have church class til 4 PM then I may watch the football game at Adam's, then do some more bio homework..


Random Things......

Jeff called me and filled me in on some of the details.....one of the funny things was that Christie and a couple of her friends put balloons on his car with messages inside of them. It said something about him being "cute cowboy"......lol funny......Jeff was asking me what I got him into (he was joking).....looks like my record improves yet again....

Song Of The Day (The last post counts as Fri for me) - Fugees - Killing Me Softly
Currently Feeling - Pretty Good

Hmmm....I've just done so much sci homework so far. I woke up, ate some breakfast and began cracking into my homework. I tried to play smackdown but the game is fucked up so Adam's gonna be pissed cuz this is the 2nd time in two days that Blockbuster has screwed him over. Later today at around 5, I'll go to Bash on Ash to see Finch. Not really much else to say since it has only been 12 hrs since my last post.

Random Thing.....

Well it looks like it the thing I thought was just coincidence, well it turns out I'm pretty sure it's far from coincidence. lol, this has bugged me for a while but I'm 100% sure I'm right. At first I really didn't think it was but things just kept falling under weird that I had to make sure. hmm.......the last piece of weirdness came today, I was taking a break from my homework and I was trying to figure it all out when I figured another way to make sure. So I checked it out, and low and behold, it's the same. I'm sorry that I can't really describe any of it but in the event I'm wrong it'll make me look like a total dumbass.

Song Of The Day - Rome - I Belong To You
Currently Feeling - Great

1st let me explain the last post from yesterday. Well I had just finished chatting with Tawni and we were talking about what I was missing. Well that branched off into the whole "thing" I couldn't tell her. Well I thought to myself and basically questioned myself but I wrote it all down. Towards the end of that paragraph I figured out what I've been missing. I know that maybe that is easy to tell but I think I needed to come up with that on my own. So with that gone I've found somewhat of an inner peace that I haven't been able to find since who knows how long.

Well today I had found my extra spring in my step. I don't know if it were evident to people but I surely felt the difference. It was really nice getting back to my old form. If I hadn't found it yesterday night then I think I would have been screwed today. I had tests and quizzes up the ass but today wasn't the game that was gonna get me down. I killed all of them and got onto my weekend. I drove around the kachina area and talked to Bobby, Randy, and Trent. They wanted me to watch the jomaks tape with them but I had to drop off my sister then go kick it with Adam so I declined. I went with Adam to get a haircut and I got one myself. We then went to Blockbuster to rent a couple games, then went to DQ got some blizzards. We went to his house and kicked it there for a while until Jason called. He wanted to go see that redneck comedy that was playing in theaters. So after a couple more games, we all left to go see the movie. It was pretty funny, even though it was redneck humor. Lots of weird people in the theaters. heh, after the movie we bumped into Colton and told him that we were gonna go to the concert tomorrow. We tried to go to the party but I guess it got broken up so we just went to Adam's house so that I could pick up the volvo. After that I just went home, and here I am writing my Fri blog at 12:53 Sat morning.

Random Things....

Well here goes my weekend for the rest of the weekend,
Sat- Finch, sci homework
Sun-Football, sci homework, kickback with friends
Monday - either A)drive to Tucson to drop off Marianne and then go to Jamba Juice with Jeff or B) finish up anything that I need to do then go to Jamba Juice with Jeff

Well about that strange thing last nite, it just seems to get more coincidental, too coincidental.....First I saw something that was a little coincidental but then I just saw something that seemed really weird, i don't think it's my imagination anymore but I think there's more than meets the eye. Now it's just the matter on how to approach this situation....

Well it's was all set up and although it didn't quite work as I planned because of circumstances out of my hand, I did seem to hook up Christie and Jeff up on a temporary basis for the time being. I got my props recieved from both of them and Alicia. Let's just say it worked like a charm.

Hmm...also Troy found out about me liking Tawni because during marketing Alicia was telling me about how I did such a great job on hooking them up, then she said it'll only be a matter of time before I hook up with the person I wanted to hook up with. Unfortunately Adrian, Troy, and David heard it and wouldn't leave me alone about it. Finally I cracked and told Troy which he thought was cool. Also Adrian and David found out. They both said they already knew that which I found weird cuz I never told Adrian and I didn't even know David til this semester. heh I guess word of mouth travels quickly but the funny thing is that I never really told anyone about it. I asked Jeff and Adam on how they found out and they both said that I seem different around her.......heh I found that pretty funny.

So I'm going by feel, something that I should have done from the beginning (well I did do it in the beginning but I strayed away from it and started second guessing myself). I found it kinda funny, during Bio I was talking to Tawni about how I can tell if there's an attraction or chemistry between two people and how I can tell. I basically said that there is a certain electricity in the air between them and also in their eyes you can tell it's a dead giveaway. Unfortunately I can't apply my rules to myself cuz it's hard to see things when it actually happening to you. I mean I don't think I act differently around Tawni but then how does everyone guess it?

New Currently Feeling - Shitty but enlightened

Why is everything so blurred, why can't I do anything? It like everytime I think I know what to do, I get proven wrong. There is nothing in the white or black, but only in the grey. It really makes no sense to me. What the hell am I missing? Why haven't I found it? Maybe Rich was right, this is as pitiful as I have become. I mean really, here I am writing about this and that, but that's all that it is, writing. Writing and no action. That's really all it comes down to, action or no action. My course of action was no action and this is where it led me. I've come with two conclusions as I finish this paragraph that I've discovered bout myself. One, I'm too nice for my own good, i have too much concern for other people but not enough concern for myself. I've hesitated because my concious has gotten in the way, making me re-think everything. And two, being a romantic may be my biggest strength as a person yet at the same time it's my achilles heel. It's my weakness, yet it's my strength. It can send my feelings to cloud 9 or it can lower them down to the gutters. So to put everything all in perspective, I know nothing except for the fact that it eats me up inside holding it back. No matter how I sugar-coat it, the end result will always remain the same. The only person who knows when the time is right is me, not Rich, not Jeff, not Jason, or Adam, Alicia or Christie nope, and who knows it could come to be tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, maybe even a year from now if that's possible but I'll decide when that time comes and I'll know cuz I'll feel it and sense it. That's all I have to go by, just follow my instint and no longer second guess anything. and you know what maybe that's what I've been missing, my own judgement on what to do concerning myself. I feel enlightened right now that I figured it out at the end of this paragraph, it seems all to simple yet I'm %100 percent sure it's right. I still believe in fate and destiny but I forgot what I always thought to myself concerning it "fate will only take you so far, the rest of it you will have to reach out and grab".......:)

Song Of The Day - The Used - Blue and Yellow
Currently Feeling - Tired

Hmm today was a really good day but it kinda left me kinda tired. Well I guess I'll start from the beginning and move up. We had early release at school today. In English, I found out I have a %100 right now which is really good. In marketing nothing special, I got an A on my test. In Bio I've gotten I familiar role that I haven't played in a while. That role is cupid but this time my target is Jeff and Christie. I predicted it I'm rarely ever wrong so I doubt I'll be wrong this time. I talked to Jeff and Christie about it and there is some attraction between the two. I talked to Christie about it in math and yeah she does like him. So afterschool I go eat with Jason, Frank, and Adam at "The Place". It was an alright place but kinda expensive. We then went to Metrocenter and chilled there for a little bit to kill time. I was trying to look for some cologne but didn't want to buy it today. We went to babbage and played some video games. I killed Adam at INside drive and then I look for an PS2 internet adapters. lol everywhere I checked they had at least 10 in each store. I didn't buy it yet though cuz it would be a distraction. (heh, I guess in AZ you can find them anywhere and don't have to order them from circuitcity.com) Afterwards I dropped off Jason and Frank then went home to take a shower. After my shower I left to pick up Marianne. It really sucked cuz I didn't have any of my cd's I went, exchanged sweaters then drove home. We stopped at Mickie D's to get a burger then drove again. I dropped off Marianne then tried to go to In-N-Out but it was so packed since it was opening day. So I went home and ate pizza. Now i'm just chatting with Tawni and studying. My plans for tomorrow is get a haircut with Adam, then go watch undisputed and rent a game over at Adams. Then play the rest of my day by ear.

Random Things....

hmmm......something really strange just came to me, I don't know whether it's coincidence or not but it's really weird none the less. I'll keep my lips sealed until I find out more about it. But if you put two and two together......

Well it looks like I have doned the cupid boots. I don't want to inflate my ego but I'm really good at hooking up people. I haven't done it in a while so I may be a little rusty. I think it'll work out, there's no way it couldn't.....

Man I felt real down when Christie and Alicia said "James Go your so good at hooking up other people so why don't you hook yourself up" Well to sum it up my plan for other people work perfectly, but mines always end up getting screwed up royally. I guess it's just my luck on how these things turn out. I must really have the worst luck in these things. But oh well what can you do.....

Song Of The Day - Student Rick - Meet You Halfway There
Currently Feeling - Good

Gosh I feel good then the whole car thing happens. Then I start feeling good again but I'm sick right now. Oh well I'll get on, hmmm.....I talked to another person who had questions about my blog and I think I straightened out my story so hi if ur reading this. Yeah school went ok today. English we just made drawings and had to present a news flash. I saw something earlier this week, a prediction. It was between Jeff and Christie. I didn't think too much about it until in math her, Alicia, and I were talking about it. heh I think they would be good together but first someone's gotta make a move. At lunch I went home cuz I needed to take some meds, I wasn't feelin very good, also all the construction on the streets is getting irritating. Afterschool I took a nap, then I picked up my sis and her friends from the basketball game. I ran some errands, went to the bank, I thought bout goin to Fazoli's but I felt tired so I didn't. That leads me up to now, I don't feel like doing homework but I got a good amount of it. Tomorrow I'm gonna go eat out with a couple peeps, chill, then go to Tucson to pick up Marianne.

Random Things.....

If I feel better by Fri I'll go to Finch but at this point that looks unlikely.....

At this point right now, I feel ok on the romantic aspect of life. Probably from getting it all out on my blog and into other peeps helps out a lot. lol yeah Tiano, I like your Tea Kettle analogy. I may be postponing the inevitable but for the time being that's probably the best choice. Don't worry bout me, I'm just waiting for the sign to tell me where to go from here. Whether I go after "reemerged" opportunities or follow a new opportunity, it'll come to me.

Song Of The Day - Musiq - Don't Change
Currently Feeling - OK

Well I guess I haven't written this but if anyone reading this has any questions about anything or comments you can hit up my e-mail jamzgo@hotmail.com, you can use my e-mail to get my msn messenger s/n, or u can hit me up on AOL my s/n is atluskane. Now I know two peeps were a little confused about my blog and I'd rather straighten things out then have someone get a wrong impression.

With that I'll get on to my blog....well first something that was brought up to my attention is that I don't mention Ian that much. Well if the truth is if I did talk about him, I could end up talking shit about him over some of the shit that he's said in the past with her but he's my dawg so I won't do that. So if you want to know the story on it just e-mail me or chat. Well my dasy went ok at best. I have a good amount of homework but I've maintained my cool. We had a lockdown at school cuz a burgular escaped and was at large. It was around the school so we were put in lockdown. It was alright cuz I got cookies and water. hmmm everything else was pretty normal. I took Frank home and didn't want to go home myself yet so I went to Kachina to pick up my sis. I talked to Ian a little, and he wants me to drop by his work and he'll hook me up. He said a little about her that got me irritated but I decided to just change the subject. That's bout it for me today, I dont' have much planned, homework, tv, Fazoli's, fone.

Random Things.....

Well from what Baitos said it looks like my early release is goin to be cut short cuz I'll be picking up my sis from Tucson. The only problem is I left all my cd's in the MDX so it looks like I'll have to make some more or listen to the same ones.

I've got a little mystery to solve right now, it's really hard trying to figure it all out but piece by piece I'm getting closer.

Song Of The Day - The Used - On My Own
Currently Feeling - Confused (on a romantic aspect of my life), Pissed (On the car thing), Happy (On the School side)

Hmm....well right now I'm doing my Science study guide and I've hit a mental block becuz of everything I'm currently feeling. So I thought writing in the blog will get me back on track. So here goes nothing......

Well I guess still the big issue going on right now, is the car. Let's first off is peeps are still talking bout it which is starting to get irritating. I think by the end of the week, it'll completely blow over. When I go home, my dad tells me that Acura is no longer paying for it, but rather the insurance, and we have to pay the deductible which is $500. My parents are a little pissed over that and there trying to get Acura to pay for it. I know my momz believes me but I dunno if my dad believes me, that hurts it really does that my dad may not believe me when I say that I didn't hit the gas hard. Anyways on the thing with the MDX, we may either keep it after all the fixes are made, get an Acura RL (we would have to put down an additional $3000 down), or get a new MDX. I really hate talking bout it so i'll stop here on that subject.

Now on to #2, this is on my romantic situation......heh what's new yeah?..... This is a good way of getting things out of my head for me. (If You don't like to read the romantic part of my blog you can skip this paragraph)

(Begin Romantic rant)
So here it is...... Well first the song of the day seems fitting. "On My Own" is what I am right. My friends try to help by bad mouthing Paul, tell me that they won't last, etc. There intentions are good and I appreciate their help but it doesn't seem to help. Everyone that's tried to help out (Alicia, Christie, Tiano, etc) just can't and it does suck. I just want that sign that'll tell me what to do. I missed the first one (back in the beginning when I had my chance) and I won't fuck up the 2nd one, whether the sign tells me to go for it or to move on. It's a decision that I can't do one my own, my heart wants me to , but my rational is that I don't see them breaking up any time soon so am I stupid doing nothing and waiting right now. So everything always circles back to where I'm at, nowhere. I wouldn't want even try to break them up cuz that's not me and plus I did that once (Curtis and Heather) and I felt extremely bad. I just have too much of a conscious (damn conscious). On finding someone else, yeah it hasn't happened now, it probably wouldn't for a while. My heart doesn't work like that. From past patterns, it's usually a 1st glance I can tell that I like someone, at that point my heart pays no attention to anyone else, then either I do something or I just end up feeling different. Well you can throw out that pattern with Tawni. 1st she didn't get my heart with her looks (though she's cute) but rather her personality. She got by my shyness in like a week or two which is amazing considering that's the first time ever in my life someone has ever done that. Then she was able to get me past the whole "don't go for someone who ur friend has gone out with". Like all summer I heard Ian talk shit bout her and I took it in and believed it, but just like that she changed my opinion about her (If you wanna get an idea read my blog from the beginning of school to a few weeks later). So after almost 4 months later (Oct-Jan) I still feel the same for her boggles my head. Some of the stupid stuff that I've done (go 130 mph off the offramp just to not be shown up by Paul) cracks me up. It amazes me on why Ian broke up with her. It amazes me how I've written so much about her already in my blog and yet manage to write this big paragraph all about her. Sure some of it may be repetitive, but this is all in my head and so I feel if I get it out in written form I'll feel better. Yeah if someone were to just stumble upon my blog and just read this post then they may say that I'm some sort of stalker-weirdo and that I don't know anything about love (yeah I'll use love cuz I generally care bout her) and they would tell me that it's infatuation but i know it's not infatuation (i've been thru infatuation and this feels nothing like that). Let me clarify when I say love I not saying I love her, I wanna be with her forever cuz I don't wanna throw around the word like that if I don't mean it but I use the word love as in I care about her. So I'll end this with a question, am I stupid, crazy, right in feeling this way?????????
(End Romantic rant)

Well finally school, it's going real well right now, but I've had to turn it up a notch cuz of all the recent disturbances with the MDX. If I can get that out of my thinking then I think I can get a good grasp on school.

Random Things........

I may go see Finch with Jason and Frank if Jason chooses to come. It's starting to look doubtful cuz it's a week late and going isn't on my concern list right now.

Well my plans for the year is, Robotics once every 3 weeks just for name and college sake. May join French club if Jason joins (I hate joining club where you don't know anyone).

I think after this, my mental block will dissapear and I can get back to my science study guide.....

For those who want an estimate on how long this post took me, well about an hr and a half.....

I need to clarify one other thing, I don't know if it ever sounded like this, but someone asked if Tawni was a bitch.....well she probably the furthest from it, I dont' want someone to misinterpret that.

Well I just wanted to write that Tawni's grandma had a heart attack today so I hope that she's is well....I thought that she had a fight with her but she told me that she had a heart attack. I feel real bad.....that's all I gots to say

Song Of The Day - Dashboard Confessional - Again I Go Unnoticed
Currently Feeling - Pretty OK

Well last nite...hmmmm....I took my sis' out to dinner at Rosario's. Jason was working there, and we talked for a little bit. The only problem is now im $70 in the hole from family activities. I tried to get Jason to go to the Finch concert with me but I dunno if he will cuz everyone's funds seem to be a little short. Afterwards we tried to get some ice cream at Cold Stone but it was packed and I felt a little tired, so we went home and we watched Beauty and The Beast. Damn 2 Romantic movies this weekend, and I could have seen Maid in Manhattan with my lil sis if I wanted to but I declined. I was also supposed to watch football with Adam and Dusty but I opted not to since I'm almost back to normal health and I don't wanna get worse. On the plus side, Bucs advanced over the 49'ers. Gotta study 2nite, and that's bout all I have planned.

Random Things....

Usually when I have a quiet weekend like this one, the next one I usually do something to make up for it, so hopefully something does make up for it cuz it's been a pretty uneventful weekend.

hmmm...talk about balancing my personality, Serendipity for my romantic side, followed by football for my masculine side, then Beauty and the beast for romantic, then more football for masculine......lol sometimes I don't get myself

Song Of The Day - LL Cool J - Hey Lover
Currently Feeling - OK

Hmmm......didn't do much today, pretty much lounged, rested up in bed, ran some errands, talked on the phone, and I just got home from church. I don't know what I have planned, maybe eat dinner with my sis at Rosario's. hmm....last nite I didn't do much either, I couldn't get a hold of Adam last nite so I watched Serendipity. Gosh I don't know if I should punch myself for this but I always get teary watching that movie and it always rekindles my trust in destiny and fate. heh, and 2nite I'll watch Beauty and the Beast with my sis' since Marianne is leaving for Tucson tomorrow. Other than that I don't have anything new to report.

Random Things.....

Gosh I gotta stop procrastinating, I could have studied while in bed but that didn't work.

I was a little pissed today cuz I was gonna go to Adrian's house but my dad said I couldn't. heh I think they think my friends are druggy's.....

I tried to cut back on my slow jams a little, marianne says listening to dashboard confessionals isn't good for me and only saddened people listen to them....

Whenever I have free time, I always ends up thinkin bout her.....what is with me, everything is all weird, the weird fortune cookie fortunes, it's all starting to make me go crazy.

Song Of The Day - Dashboard Confessional - A Plain Morning
Currently Feeling - OK

Well the first week back from school has ended, and overall it has had it's ups and down. I guess I'll go thru my downs first, hmmm i guess the biggest down was the accident. That really dampered my week. Next was that I failed my test after one day. She just has control over my emotions that no matter how hard I try to shut them off, it just doesn't work. Now the ups of my week. Well my classes are a lot more spread out, last semester it was like having the same peeps in all of my classes. Hmm...today in math we got to work in pairs on our test. I worked with Moses and together were probably the #1 and #2 smartest in the class. In Bio, I gave Tawni my blog but I was so out of it yesterday, that I had to reprint once cuz I forgot to edit something, then I discovered I missed something else. I'm actually quite glad that she reads my blog and actually wants to. She's the only person I've told about my blog. We made funny looking animals with the molecules. My personal favorite was Rudolph with Oxygen as his red nose. At lunch Jason, Adam, and I went to Mickie D's. We had to eat on the run though cuz we couldn't find Frank. Afterschool, I had to drive home and I was so scared driving and making that dumb right turn. I had those flashbacks to yesterday. I picked up Baitos then Adam picked me up with Mark and we went to Alex's and chilled there. Moms called me home so I came back and I'm just waiting for Adam to call and I'll meet him up. Tomorrow I'm gonna go kick it with Adrian and play some NBA, and then maybe I'll do something with Adam again since Jason's working. I also plan on getting to watching Serendipity tonite.

Random Things....

I'm a bit worried that Hubert or Jeff will make some dumb comment that'll make me turn red. I know Jeff knows cuz he knows that I act differently that I have this year.

Damn I left my cd's in the MDX so I won't get them back til it's fixed. Also everyone in school asked about it today, it actually got irritating cuz I had to keep tellling what happend.

Song Of The Day - Dashboard Confessional - Screaming Infidelities
Currently Feeling - Really Scared

Damn the scariest thing happened today. I was leaving school with Frank like everyday, I signal right like I do everyday, I turn right. At first it seems normal until I begin to make my correction, then it goes completely crazy. It pulls all the way onto the left, I try to pull it to the right but not before I hit the medium, it starts going crazy on the right so to prevent myself from hitting anyone, I move back left where it goes crazy. I finally was able to stop it's momentum by going over the medium with the front tires. There an ambulance truck on the other side starts bitchin at me, my friend Troy comes and helps out and leads me to the side street. The whole time I hear something clinking. There I call my mom and tell her what happened. I wait with Frank til my dad gets there, and I drive Frank home while at the same talked about how the fuck did it happen. I drive back, then drive home, get the volvo and drive back and wait til the tow truck gets there. After I got home I took a nap and right now I'm just going over everything and chattin online.

Random Things....

I don't know if it was, but thoughts just flashed into my head when it all happened. It was really scary, I honestly thought we were gonna flip over. I'm gonna be so scared driving for a while.

I don't think my moms angry but I think my dad thinks that I stomped the gas.

I guess the only bright spot out of the whole thing was a bunch of peeps stopped and called to see if they could help and if I was alright. hmmm just trying to be an optimist....

Yesterday I intentionally left something out and I just realized that it's a first and that's the first thing I've ever held back.

I feel really sick right now and I don't feel any better that I just found out the Used are playing this weekend.......oh well I can still catch Finch

I'm burning a couple cd's right now.....Dashboard Confessional, Simple Plan, The Used, and Missy Elliot

Well I just put up the comment code so whoever checks out my blog, if ya want can leave a message for me

Song Of The Day - B2K - Baby Girl
Currently Feeling - Awkward

I really don't have any answers, I don't. Well I'm failing in so many ways I just don't have any answers. Three days since school started and it's back. Well last nite I had about 2 hrs of sleep if I'm lucky. There was two big factors why I couldn't...one I wasn't feeling very well but I think the main reason was I couldn't think straight again. I'm stuggling writing this cuz so many things are running thru my head as I write this. I wish I could just let out with it, but I can't. It wouldn't be fair and even if I could convince myself to do it, I still think I couldn't muster it out. Reading my blog I can't help but chuckle, I mean I had no way of knowing anything like this would happen. I wish I could just flip a switch, I wish I could just try to find someone else but it's just not working. With all this said, I'm not depressed (well not like Dec) but I can't put my finger on it but somethings different, somethings gone, missing.

Well I could probably write forever on the subject but I won't although it did take me a long time to write that little paragraph. I'll get onto my day. hmm...I'll put this really short cuz I can't really think yet again......english...nothing.....marketing....slept......Bio......helped Tawni and trying to get science memory back.....math....racial jokes with Moses and helped Alicia and Christie.......Sorry bout the lack of detail......afterschool I gave Frank a ride home, Sopheak asked for a ride but he kinda gets on my nerves when it comes to getting rides cuz he kinda forces it upon you. Went to Jason's to pick up English folder, I gotta go back later tonite to give him my APUSH folder......not much homework....I'll try to get some good rest today

One other note, Ricciee and Tiano, the war between blogs. It's gotten really personal and has started to spread upon other people who are getting in the crossfire. They both claim a seize fire so maybe all the mud-slinging will end.

so it's 10:23 PM right now, I have tons of homework to do, yet all I've done for the past 20 minutes has been listening to "Justin Timberlake - Still On My Brain". Well I just got done chattin with Tawni and yet again my head is jumbled with so much questions. I don't know how someone could have such a huge effect on me

Song Of The Day - The Used - Buried Myself Alive
Currently Feeling - Good

Today was a pretty good day, nothing bad nor good happened. hmmm..... I sit next to Mike, Adrian, Adam, and Jeff in English....i'm probably gonna get in trouble sooner or later becuz of it but oh well I'll enjoy while I can. I'm getting all these vocabulary tests in English and Marketing it sucks. In Bio, I'm still trying to get my mind to focus but I haven't had science in a year. I also can't keep my head in science when I'm reading, my head keeps drifting off in different directions. Afterschool I went with Adam and Mark to Wal-Mart for some school supplies then just picked up my sister. I don't have anything planned for today since I have a helluva lot of homework so for me it'll be nap, computer, homework.

Random Things....

I have so much homework and studying to do it's not even funny....

In Bio, Tawni wrote "The X Spot" yet again, everyone always sees it but no one ever gets it, I guess no one can see that it's x marks the spot. lol like 10 different people asked me about it, even this girl I didn't even know asked me but on the plus side the girl was cute....

lol 4 days Tiano......enjoy the internet adapter....oh yeah did they put the message

Song Of The Day - Justin Timberlake - Still On My Brain
Currently Feeling - OK

Well today was the 2nd half of the school year. I got my new classes, and it's a little weird but still cool. Also today was a test for me, Well first let me run through my classes. 1st hour is English, I have a whole bunch of peeps in that class so it'll be pretty cool but the class may be hard. My next class is Marketing, I've got Adrian, Troy, and Randy in my class so it should be pretty cool. My 3rd class is AP Bio. That class could be hard but I do have Tawni in that class along with Jeff. While on that subject I will say today was a test for me. I still have feelings for her but I was able to control them without feeling sad for myself. I'm not going to try and break them up despite a lot of my friends and cousins telling me to try. It's just not in me, trust me I don't like Paul and i'm not doing it for him, but i can tell she likes him so who am I to do something like that. Sorry bout getting off subject so I'll move on. My next hour is math in the thunderdome. I was surprised that some people weren't in my class like Amber or Leslie but I guess they made two separate classes.

Random Things....

Adam finally got his system and it's pretty sick.....

I finally got Capt. Mallow back, but Tawni did tell me that Bun Bun raped him, it scared me but then Capt Mallow "attacked" him(not attack but "attack"). Really scary I worry bout Capt. Mallow....

This whole thing with Ricciee and Tiano will never end, I honestly have no clue how it ends but I see the end of the Ricciee era and hopefully soon a new era will begin cuz like me, my couz is a romantic, but what happens when there is no one to be romantic too?

Well today marked my new start, I haven't done this since frosh year, I mean I used to have a crush on Leah since frosh year but that's all it was, and then there was Tawni but my hands are tied on the matter, so it's a new start for me with an unpaved path ahead, so it's time for me to blaze a new trail (and I suggest you should too Tiano)

Song Of The Day - Avril Lavigne - I'm With You
Currently Feeling - Good

Well I'm back in AZ feeling a helluva lot better. The trip ride here was pretty tiring but it was alright. When we got home, I called a bunch of peeps and told them I'm bakc, we chilled for a bit, ate, then went to Desert Ridge and then AZ Mills. AZ Mills sucked cuz there were ugly girls and all the shops were outlets. A big dissapointment overall. After that we tried to go to glendale glitters but I changed my mind and instead went home. We got more money then went to Desert Ridge at night. So much pretty girls, my cousin wasn't used to seeing so much hot white girls. We ate at In-N-Out and saw 2 Weeks Notice. It was a really sweet and cute movie I must say. I got teary once again. It was such a good movie a really feel good movie. We went home and watched some home movies before I went to sleep. Now there gone but it was a nice visit, got to visit each of our own enviroments but I wish he could have stayled longer to visit more of my places...

Random Things.....

I'm going to the Autoshow with dad, Baitos, Ed, his wife, and I today.....

My parents talked to me about my grade. They weren't as upset as I thought they were.

School is starting tomorrow, I'm looking forward on how things will turn out, especially Bio

Song Of The Day - Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
Currently Feeling - Good

Well today was cool, by the time I woke up Chris got home from work. We played Madden for a bit but he killed me twice but I beat him the last time. Chris' friend Kim came over and he killed me in Madden. Today wasn't my day in Madden. Anyways we then went out to eat at In-N-Out then went to Seaport Village so that Chris could talk to Rose and she got him cupcakes. He took me to the bridge filled with ducks. It was one of Tiano and Riccee's places. It's a real nice place to take a date. We then went to the improv. We talked for a little bit before hand and we kept cracking up about Kevin Sorbo and the Renagade (Lorenzo Llamas). The improv was really funny, I made a lot of suggestions, the funny part was when Chris made a suggestion of Kevin Sorbo that killed the skit. It was really sad and funny. Afterwards we went to Chris' friend Patricio's to go get some taco's at TJ but Barbie didn't have any ID so we went to some taco shop. Now were home, tomorrow were leaving at 4 AM but there not going to stay the night. That sux if they don't. My plans for tomorrow depends, hmm if they stay then I'll take them to Arizona Mills or Desert Ridge. If they leave then I'll probably catch up with my friends then go see 2 weeks notice by myself.

Song Of The Day - A Simple Plan - Meet You There/ Justincase feat. Michelle Branch- Without You
Currently Feeling - Good

Well I wrote this blog a couple hours ago but I closed the window so I guess I'll have to retype it. Well first let me get to last nite. Well it was my couz party and he had fam and friends over. Candice was really drunk while i was semi drunk. I was trying to watch over Candice so that she didn't pass out on the floor or any of Chris' friends took advantage of her. j/k.... Well we played 10 fingers but I lost. They freestyled which was pretty funny. I killed them in Madden..... Then this morning I ran errands with Tiano and got his wheel fixed. We then picked up the girls and went to the mall. Nothing exciting, we were trying to look for a internet adapter for the ps2. We had no luck but went to Pat Oscars for breadsticks. They were really good but kinda expensive. After that we went to Circuit City but they didn't have any. We came home and Tiano and me played Madden. It wasn't a good day for me but I do still have a winning record. We went out for Coffee at the Living Room at Point Loma. It was a real nice experience with us chatting about stuff. It was pretty funny, this guy was asking for a wrench and we started cracking on him. The only downside to the night was Kimi was sick. She was crying becuz of her h/a. On our way home she had to throw up (emesis in HCT) and Tiano got really angry cuz one of his love is his car. Anyways when we got home she told him that she left her purse but Tiano wasn't gonna drive over. More Madden....then that leads me up to now. I think were gonna go improv tomorrow and while he goes to work I'll just chill at his house. I don't know if were gonna do something with John-John tomorrow, I guess it all depends....


Random Things....

This trip is really what I needed, time away from AZ, spent quality time with my cousins, and got to clear my head after Dec which was probably the worst month for me emotionally......

I don't know what is on my report card but I hope that they don't open it til I get home......

Well I'm still confused as ever as what to do with Tawni, I know that i can't do anything while she's with Paul and it's not in me to try and break them up intentionally. I thought that while i was in San Diego I wouldn't think about her but that didn't work. Well I'm not gonna jinx myself by saying what I'm gonna do cuz it usually doesn't happen or backfire.....

I had the weirdest dream last nite maybe it was becuz of the alcohol but I had a dream that I came home and I saw Capt. Mallow but I didn't know how he got from my house from Amber's. So I go to Amber's and ask him how he got here and she told me that he ripped open the cage top and attacked Bun-Bun before I left. It was pretty weird cuz I saw Bun Bun but his fur was all messed up.

fSong of The Day - Homegrown - Kiss me, Diss Me
Currently Feeling - Good

Well I'm in San Diego right now, actually right now it's the middle of Tiano's family birthday party. Im writing cuz I have some down time right now so I'll update the trip so far. Well we left on the 30th and we were greeted by both Tiano and John. hmm... I sensed conflict because the three of us haven't hung out all together in the years. It's a long story but years ago we would always be together but they grew different and they started losing contact. I was in the middle of it, always having to choose between the two when I came to Cali. Well this time Tiano decided to stay in Temecula and I thought this would either be a really good thing or a really bad thing. At first it seemed awkward with everyone switching off every so often but soon it started jelling together when we reminised about ole times. We played Madden and yes i did get the better of Tiano. We played online and it was pretty sick. We all went to EB to get a cheat cd for FFX because John wanted to pay attention to the storyline. After that we went to a bunch of other electronic stores to try and look for internet adapters for Tiano. We couldn't find any but something funny at Circuit City happened. We asked the clerk if they had any adapters but he said that they were all sold out but did say that we could find it in one place......circuit city.....lol it sounded exactly like a commercial. Anyways hmm....what else..... The New Years Eve party...... it was pretty boring since it was in Escondido. I got to see Candice and Calvin, both of whom I haven't seen in a year. Nothing exciting happened, Tiano and me played on a team against Mark and Calvin in NFL2K3. Oh yeah my cousins and aunts and uncles convinced my mom to let us stay til the 4th and then Tiano will drive me home. John was pretty drunk, he had bout 11 beers and the food kinda sucked so we went to Jack in the Box afterwards. John kept fuckin with the girl over the intercom kept asking for Chipotles. He then started to try and flirt with the girl but she didn't want any. It was really funny but he was really vulgar talking bout gangbangs...lol funny shit...... Now I just finished kicking all of Tiano's friends ass at Madden. They're all right but no champion. Well I'm gonna go chill downstair so I'll write ya later.