3 diphenhydramines (benadryl) later......

I can't sleep, but i guess that's what two mochas can do to you.....it's ok I've been meaning to blog. With all the time I have before school starts blogging and working out are two of my many priorities. Both of which are kind of off to a rocky start. I took a couple of benadryl's so hopefully I finish this before I completely pass out.

So what to write about......There are actually a lot of topics I thought about writing about, but as my friend I'm a private person. Even with my close friends, I exclude details of my life for one reason or another. I thought about writing about my past female exploits but I want to hold that off for another day, I thought of maybe writing about my fears but I don't think i'm ready for that one, I thought about writing about my plans for starting pharmacy school and beyond but frankly I find it boring (or at least now I do). So what I think i'm going to write about is something I thought about a couple days ago and I think perplexes me a bit. That topic is friendship.

Now i know friendship is an odd topic to discuss,not to mention a topic I have talked about before. But I'm actually going to take a different viewpoint and that is why am I not a good friend to some people. Now anyone who knows me knows who I consider close with. But throughout my life, there have been quite a few people who I considered close to only to drop out of my radar in a snap. And after thinking about it, the main blame can be pointed at me. So here is my list of people I came up with....

Vincent
- probably my first close friend that I can really remember. As a little kid, I would get out of class at 2 and my sisters class would be out at 3 so my dad would wait til my sister got out and pick us both up. During that hour wait, many times Vincent would stay and we would play transformers or make up random game involving pine cones. Since then we were always very close in elementary school although when we got into HS, we didn't hang out much. Although I do remember in college, he called because he was going to be in Tucson and he wanted to hang. We agreed but when he called I remember I didn't pick up. Now i wasn't the reason he came down but that was cold blooded of me especially since after that we never talked again to this day.

Ryan
- He was someone who lived in my dorm and probably the person who i got along with the most in my dorm outside of my roommate. We partied alot and I introduced him to a bunch of my friends. He started having a thing for Tawni and for me back then, that was a big no-no. I think i took offense to it and slowly started ignoring him. The part that kinda disturbs me was that numerous times, he made an attempt to try to hangout, but it was me who kinda gave the cold shoulder.

Adam the Jew
- He lived in the adjacent dorm but we hung out a lot freshman year and again sophamore year. He started dating Tawni although by then I got over her. However, when they broke up, it wasn't pretty and I often felt torn in the middle. But we still chilled and at one point he even offered me tickets to the final four in atlanta. Well what happened was, I stopped answering his calls and once again started giving the cold shoulder whenever he wanted to hang out.

Amanda
-Here's one I don't talk about alot. I'm actually not sure how much of it I want to discuss. There was a time during the summer that I got kinda bored. I was taking summer classes at pima and I met her while waiting for one of my classes to start. She was cute, petite brunette, and so we started hanging out. I wouldn't say we were dating but rather having fun. I would say for a month we were "having fun" and then I started acting kind of distant. I started ignoring her and soon we just stopped talking. I never really had to worry about seeing her after my class ended and so I just kind of cut my ties with her.

Paul
-I think this is one where I feel justified. When college started, we actually got along quite well. But he made a very big mistake of messing with my family and then again with someone i really care about and then i don't think I ever trusted him again.

There are others but these are the ones that kind of stick out of my mind the most. Now Vince, you can reason that people grow up and they no longer have the same interests, and Ryan, we were really different and didn't have similar interests. But in each case I just ignored them until they got the point and stopped calling. I just feel bad thinking about it and wonder why i did what i did.

Like I said, a random topic but one that i thought of a few days ago. I think each of them, if I had kept contact could have been in my brain trust but I wouldn't allow it. I think the one I feel worst about is Amanda, even to this day I feel I kinda used her during my "I don't really care" phase. It's something that i feel i acted out of character. I think apart of me is comfortable with who i'm close with and especially since i'm a private person, that could maybe explain my weird behavior.

Gift Giving 101

Birthdays and birthday gifts I think can tell alot about a person and how they feel about someone else. An acquaintance may be lucky to get a facebook post, a regular friend may be treated to a typical run of the mill gift or maybe even a shot at a bar. Good friends can fall under the category of a regular friend but usually a little bit more thoughtful depending on the relationship.

However if someone is really special (and usually someone of opposite gender), a birthday gift is a statement. Something that says "I care about you alot and I want you to know it". This gift can be extravagant either price wise or emotionally, maybe even sometimes both, but the gift will be something special. More often than not this person is of romantic interest, but not just any romantic interest but something deeper. Now if your gauging it by price, it can sometimes be difficult and misleading to gather an understanding of the relationship between the giver and receiver. If the person gets the other person jewelery, does the person give jewelery often to other interests or is it a rare occurrence? Also one must look at the persons typical spending patterns. Is the person notorious for trying to buy ones love? That's why when i try to interpret a relationship based on gift, I look for the amount of effort that was put into the gift. Was it an inside joke between the two? Maybe it was something that the person mentioned a long time ago and the other person remembered? How much time was put into the gift or idea of gift?


The reason why I bring all of this up is I actually question my own birthday gift habits. Now before i go analyze my gift giving lets give a few anomalies out of the way. Family gifts are typically not very extravagant (at least in our family). It usually focuses on what the person likes/wants/needs. Also guy/guy gifts I will exclude. Guys don't typically give other guys big gifts. Sure every once and awhile I'll go a little above what I normally do depending on the situation. An example of this was when Jason went to Colorado for school, i tried to get other people involved so we could get him something nicer combined rather than each give him something smaller individually. But usually it's pay for dinner, buy something they want, but there is little intrigue on what the gift is.

So that leads guy/girl gifts and what they signify. Now the reason why i focus on this is one, guy/girl relationships are usually more complicated even if it is a non-romantic relationship. 2nd girls seem to appreciate gifts better thus there is more of a concerted effort to give better gifts. So i'll give examples of each and try to deduce things.

Example 1A: a decent friend (one who i'm not overly close to but see on a regular basis)

- One year i bought my friend (who was a biology major) a can that contained a bean in it. The bean had been laser etched so that when it grew it would say "happy birthday (fill in the blank)".

Analysis - Now at first glance, one would think that this is a very thoughtful (maybe too thoughtful) idea. However, knowing she is a biology major and would appreciate the ingenuity of the gift seemed to be my main driving force. It was relatively cheap plus it shows that i'm not going to give a cop out gift (gift card or basket of lotions)......

Example 1B: a decent friend (one who i'm not overly close to but see on a regular basis)

- This involves gift cards or basket of lotions (self explanatory)

Analysis - Now just because it's a cop out gift doesn't necessarily mean that you don't really care for the person (although sometimes it does). It just means that that person is typically hard to shop for or you don't know what to give them. Usually this person is someone you aren't romantically interested in (because if you were and gave them this gift, there won't be any romantic interest reciprocated)

Example 2: Guy/Guy friends or girls who are good friends but little to no romantic interest

- The type of gifts here will reflect more effort. These gifts typically require that you know the person real well. For guys it will be things that they need/want while for girls it will be something that is between the two of you

Analysis - This is one where good friends typically fall. The gifts are typically something that they like or need. There is usually no nervousness giving the gift either.
This is a broad range so I will use a lot of examples. One year I bought frank a video game because he just got a new video game system. Not very deep but something that he wanted and i knew he would use. Similarly, I got Adam a wallet because he said he wanted one. For girls, I got Steph a snuggie because she said she wanted one (it was kind of an inside joke). For Aditi, I got her planet earth since i knew she really liked the series.


Example 3: Someone you have a crush on or like a lot (this does not necessarily mean you have to be romantically linked but you are pretty close to this person)

Analysis - At one point in college I had a crush on Michelle. She was someone who I got along with pretty well and I remember one day before finals to relieve stress we wanted to make ice cream ghetto style so we bought ice, rock salt, vanilla, etc and tried to make ice cream in my dorm courtyard to very abysmal results. It was a fun time though and to commemorate the event, I got her an ice cream maker and a book on how to make different flavors. This one had a pretty good amount of thought and was a little nervous giving the gift. It was apparent I put more thought into that gift than others but not enough thought to where it had an eventful impact.

Example 4: the extreme case, you go all out on the gift!

Analysis - This one is reserved for the person you care deeply about. This gift may or may not be expensive but the thought into getting the gift is redonkulous. I think anyone who knows me, knew that back in the day i was in love with Tawni. If you don't read my old blogs and it should be pretty evident that that was the case. And one year for her birthday, I decided to go all out and try to find her half sister who she lost contact with. This was no easy feat as I got numerous dead ends, had to call people pretending to be someone else just to get hints on where she was. The time and nervousness in preparing the gift was off the charts and usually a lot of planning is involved.

So there are my 4 general gift levels although like I said it may not always be black and white. But you may ask why am i writing about it now and what is the significance.....Well I just finished giving a gift to someone I have claimed numerous times to other people that I have no feelings for and all signs point to it being a case of Example 4. The gift took a lot of planning, had a lot of significance, not to mention the nervousness I felt when i sent the gift off. Writing all of this, there is no doubt that the gift falls under example four. So i ask myself am I lying to myself and others about my feelings for this person. I can't describe the joy i felt when the person told me they loved the present, it made my day. So maybe i'm not just feeling like the relationship is as Platonic as I say it is.......but that definitely is not a good thing based on the situation......