Part of Plan JAM Up In Smokes

Song Of The Day - The Ataris - IOU One Galaxy
Currently Feeling - Blue

Hmmm... so after I blogged last nite, I talked to Tawni for a while. heh.....yeah I've rubbed off on her...now she overthinks too but instead of making slow jams like I do, she colors. She just had a lot to think about. Also I talked to her about the whole blog thing. Yeah I think i've decided to tell Jason that I don't want him to read it because I don't want to hold back things. Cuz as Tawni said, this is my way of expressing myself and not letting things bottle up. I stayed up til Tawni got tired then I went to sleep.

This morning I did my practice confirmation thing, then I had to run a few errands. I stopped by Cousins to drop off Tawni's cd's. I only stayed for a minute though....... After that I went to the mall to get Barbie's build a bear. The mall was packed but I saw Vanessa and Daniel and said what's up. The fluffer was broken so I didn't get a chance to buy it. Now I'm home, Adam wants me to go to a benefit concert with him and his parents. He owes me big for this one. Oh well I didnt' have much planned anyways, Jason's gone, Frank's working, Tawni's at Mooses BBQ. Yeah maybe it's me but my inner circle of friends has dwindled quite a bit which is a good thing and a bad thing.....

Random Things....

I didn't get a chance to buy the Air Supply tickets......that sux......

My Auntie Janet's b-day was today so Happy Birthday Aunt Janet!!!!!!!!!

After today and yesterday I've come to the conclusion that the most important part of Plan JAM is gonna be way harder than I thought. Yeah I knew it was gonna be hard but it's damn near impossible for me. So the plan is after a certain period of time, if I can't find what I'm looking for, I'm gonna have to put up the white flag and change that part of it. But I remain optimistic that I can get at least some part of it to work out.

New Visitors To My Blog

Song Of The Day - Tim McGraw and Faith Hill - It's Your Love Acoustic
Currently Feeling - Uncertain

hmmmm........well today I picked up the MDX from Acura then I went to Frank's to watch Adam and Frank play Diablo. Then I played Adam in ping pong but I lost. After that Frank had to go to work while I went to Adam's house. I hung out there for a bit then I went to pick up Jason to go to Cousins. Steph, Tawni, and Will were working today so we just chatted for a bit. Now I did something that I thought I was fine with that now I'm having doubts about. I gave Jason and Steph my blog address. I'm afraid that now that they can look at it, I may hold back on what I write about. I'm sure this is natural since they are the first people to look at it at school other than Tawni. It's not that I don't trust them or anything, it's just that I have a lot of thoughts that I put here that I'm sure even Jason hasn't seen much of if at all. I dunno I guess it isn't a big deal to most but it's a pretty big deal for me. Cuz it's not like I talk about all this stuff with my friends. Some of the things I put down here are really personal, and if someone were to use that against me, then they could do a great deal of damage. I just don't want any awkwardness or change in how I write. So this is on a trial basis. Anywho soon Emily and Paul came over, and Jason and me left so that they could close up without being interupted. After Cousins we went to my house to play a little GTA3 then we went to Adam's to play Madden. Steph picked up Jason while Adam, Frank, and me went to shoot pool. I think I found my stroke...hopefully.....now I'm home...

Random Things....

Tomorrow all I have planned is I have a practice confirmation run in the morning.....

lol yeah if you haven't seen Steph's posting on the sides....she's making a better country slow jamz cd that me, but it isn't very fair cuz I don't have a clue who's who in country. Now if it were a normal one then I think I would have the advantage.....

Jason is leaving to Washington tomorrow morning so good luck to him.....

Frank but mostly Adam have their little theories on me. They look way too much into things......

Borgata and Scottsdale

Song Of The Day - Sammy Kershaw - You Are The Love Of My Life (The best country love song)
Currently Feeling - Good

Well today I hung out with Tawni in the morning. It was pretty fun considering we didn't do anything productive til the end. She made me decide what to do so I came up with only 3 things to do. Borgata which is some italian mall type place, go watch down with love, or go to the elephant bar. Well she ate lunch so that took out the elephant bar, the movie was thrown out cuz she wanted to be able to talk so we decided upon Borgata. It was in Scottsdale so it was about a 40 minutes drive. Usually I would drive fast but on the 101 there are tons of cops so I decided not to risk my luck considering last nite I almost got a ticket. We listened to my slow jamz 14 and 15. We also just kinda talked about random things. We arrived at the Borgata and it was empty and hot. Tawni looked around at some bathing suits and I was trying to convince her to just try on a bunch of nice clothes pretending that we were gonna buy stuff. We left and decided to go to Scottdale Fashion. Unfortunately there were no women walking on the sidewalk for me to yell at like last time I payed a visit to Scottsdale. Anywho at the mall, we decided to just explore since we this mall is for the wealthy and vein. We went inside Nemian Marcus.....lol weird place, we just went to other stores, Tawni was checkin out some bikini's but wouldn't try them out....damn...lol j/k....We went to the Build a Bear store. Tawni and me chose out a bear for me as a gift. Tawni picked out the perfect bear skin....shaggy bear......then Tawni fluffed it real soft.....We both put in a heart and made a wish and did all the stuff we were supposed to do to the heart. We then filled out the information for the bear and we picked up the perfect outfit for it.....overalls...inside joke...jebadiah.......It's the sickest bear named Teddy (named after me)....12.9 ounces...the guy in front of us in line gave us a free coupon thing where we get 10 dollars off the next bear. Yeah when we were putting on the overalls yeah me and Tawni were flipping the bear upside down trying to put his clothes on, yeah hopefully that's not how me or Tawni will dress a baby.....We went back on the freeway, we were gonna go back to my house cuz Tawni wanted me to introduce her to my dad and she also wanted to see his reply when he saw my Teddy. but traffic was really thick so we just went straight to Cousins. I hung out there for a while, talking to Will about cops and tickets, they started getting busy so I decided to let them go to work. I went home and took a 3 hr nap. Jason came over and we played some GTA3 then we met up with Frank and Adam and we played some pool. Adam is the luckiest kid tonite.

Random Things....

Don't know what I'm doing tomorrow....

Yeah the talk I had with Tawni really made me feel better. Yeah I'm really lucky to have her as a friend, I'm still holding back on what I really wanna say for a certain reason. Yeah it's really weird that Tawni can tell so much about me, yeah she knows me like the back of her hand, like when she read my note in her yearbook she was able to read between the lines of what I was trying to say, even though it was really rushed.....oh well I'll finish my say one day..........

Plan JAM hasn't begun getting together yet. I'll wait til all the hoopla is done, then it'll happen........I split it up into 4 parts but right now I'm still deciding how I'm gonna do this.....Unlike plans J and JA, I'm trying extra hard to get this perfected..........I think I'll be able to get my plan underway so that Tawni is out of the way and so she can't change my mind on it.

A Well Needed Talk

Song Of The Day - The Starting Line - Best Of Me Acoustic
Currently Feeling - Happy

Well last nite after making some cd's I went over to Cousins to visit Tawni and Emily. We talked for a bit and I helped by doing the chips. I filled Emily in on Plan JAM and she made me realize that I'll have to modify it. No Biggie, they started getting busy so I left to Frank's house. We watched Orange County for a while til Jason got there. We went down to play ping pong and Andrew was chatting with Shawn Mcdonald. He started talking shit but Jason started getting pissed. Adam decided to meet us at the theater cuz he had to drop by long's house. We watched Bruce Almighty. It was a pretty funny movie I must say. After I dropped them off I called Tawni and talked to her in front of my house. It's been a while since we had a talk like that since summer started. We just had a lot to talk about, and she layed to rest my fears. It was real nice, I felt a lot better after talking to her. I dunno there's a lot of things I could say but I'll hold out on that til later.

Anywho my plans for today are to hang out with Tawni. But we didn't schedule...oh no we don't schedule our friendship...lol I'm happy
Random Things...

Finished my slow jams XV.....

Slow Jamz XII

George Strait - Cross My Heart, Carrying Your Love With Me
Tim Mcgraw - Best Friends
Alabama - Forever I'll Go, Once Upon A Time, There's No Way, Why Lady Why
Anne Murray - Could I Have This Dance
Martina Mcbride - Chances Are
Chely Wright - I Already Do
Clint Black - When I Say I Do
Collin Raye - I was Loved By You, If You Get There Before I Do
Don McLean - And I Love You So
Faith Hill Duets - Just To Hear You Say That You Love Me, Let's Make Love, Let Me Let Go
Garth Brooks - If Tomorrow Never Comes, The Dance, In Another's Eyes

Slow Jamz XIII
George Strait - Got Carried Away, The Man In Love With You
John Michael Montgomery - Friends, I Love The Way You Love Me
Joshua Kadison - Beautiful In My Eyes
Kenny Chesney - I Will Stand, You And Me
Kut Klose - I Like
Lee Greenwood - IOU
Linda Ronstat - All My Life
Lonstar - I'm Already There
Martina Mcbride - Concrete Angel, Safe In The Arms Of Love, My Valentine, There You Are
Michael Giley - Lookin For Love
Patsy Kline - Crazy
Vince Gill - The Heart Won't Lie
Sammy Kershaw - You Are The Love Of My Life
Shania Twain - Your Still The One
Terry Clark - Now That I've Found You
Olivia Newton John - I Honestly Love You

I've never heard of half these people until today....make more later

Becoming a Hillbilly, and unknown anger

Song Of The Day - Tracy Byrd - Keeper of the Stars
Currently Feeling - Anger

Well I think it's official, I'm becoming a hillbilly but I'll get to that later. First what I did yesterday.....Jason and Frank came over and we hung out at my house. We then went to Frank's house and ordered pizza. I left to go play Adrian in live. Jesse, Joe, and Rich were all there. It was like being back in elementary school with my old group...heh but I remembered why I don't really enjoy hanging out with them anymore. Well first Rich and Joe start going thru my cell phone and they call Amber and they say a bunch of dirty stuff in my name. (what's with people pretending to be me). So anyways I call her back once I leave to apologize. I felt bad about it already but felt worse later. Anyways I go back to Franks and we decide to go to Cousins. Well Steph and Tawni were working so we sat and talked to them. I talked to Steph about Plan JAM and Tawni still doesn't have a clue about what it's about. I filled Jason and Frank in on it too. I got talked to about the whole Amber thing earlier by Tawni. I felt even worse, but I wasn't laughing cuz it was happening, I honestly didn't think they called her for real but I'll man up to it anyways. We all talked about scheduling times with people, except Tawni who said I can never schedule our friendship. Regarding the whole "replacing" thing, I still feel the same way that sooner or later no matter how hard I could try. Afterwards we hung out at Jason's but he was gonna spend the nite at Paul's so Frank and me left and we decided to all go our separate ways tonite. I went home and watched Star Trek and I guess Frank and Adam played Diablo online.

Today all I have done is download slow jams. I think my country slow jams are gonna be sick cuz I've spent so much time going thru every song. I don't think i've ever spent so much time on a cd. I'm guess by the end of today I'll have slow jams 12,13,14,15,16 cuz I've d/l 86 slow jams. I've beccome what I've feared, a country bumpkin...j/k it's only the slow ones and i made sure that none of them were too twangy.....

Random Things.....

I've been weird lately cuz I've been really angry lately. I contribute it to just anger, frustration, confusion, stolen identities, etc.

I'm not sure if I'm going to the Air Supply concert anymore, I can't find anyone to go with.

I'm probably gonna hang out with Tawni sometime this week hopefully, I haven't really done that in a while

Confusion

Song Of The Day - Air Supply - I Can Wait Forever
Currently Feeling - Weird

hmm... Well there has been plenty of weirdness going around since Fri. So I don't really know where to begin. Well I guess we'll start from the beginning, I found out last minute that we were going to Lake Havasu for the weekend. I knew I wasn't gonna have a signal without Roaming so I tried calling everyone to tell them I was leaving. I didn't get a hold of Tawni though. So I guess while I was gone some fucker decided to go under my name and say shit that wasn't true. The worst part about it was that I wasn't there to make any case against it. I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this already read it all. Anyways that combined with things already being weird between me and Tawni lately didn't help things. But I'll get to that later. Anyways so my fam went to Lake Havasu which I knew wasn't gonna be the best. Luckily Mark, Scarlet, Teza, and Scarlet's bf went to. They made it pretty enjoyable. Hmmm.....not much fun though, we hung out, on Sun they went to the Indian casino for 5 hrs. They were supposed to only eat there but one of my aunts won $100 so why stop???? Well after that I was too tired to go fishing so I stayed and watched movies with Barbie, Mark, Teza. Mary-Tes is the cutest baby.......I got a chance to talk to Tawni for a couple minutes but really didn't get anything solved. After that my couz Mark heard me and tried to give me some advise. But before I tell you what he said I should probably give you all a background on him. He's my couz and he's cool but he's the last person I would go to with Relationship advice. He got Teza pregnant at 19, he doesn't help out with the baby, he always has some half-cocked money scheme knowing that if he fucks up then his dad will cover him (he's a doc). Anyways I didn't really want his advice but he forced me to give him a brief description on the history between Tawni and me. So after it was all said and done I told him, she's my best friend and I love her as a friend so I wouldn't put her in an awkward situation. I've talked to her many times about this already.....and stuff like that.....his reply is screw friendship, it isn't anything, if you want something you take it, just tell her to choose and if she doesn't choose you, no loss, just move on........that's the worst thing I have ever heard in my life........Anywho yeah to sum it all up nothing interesting happened on the trip, but a hella lot of girls in bikini's......

Now when I got back I went to Frank's house where Adam and Frank were. We were supposed to go romping but I was late so it was scrapped.....they had a bbq instead.... Adam had to go to his house, while Frank and me stayed at his house....He reburned me Finch....afterwards Adam came back with Dusty and we went to shoot pool. We suck but what's new. Afterwards we went back to Adam's and we played live. I tried to call Tawni back but her voicemail kept picking up.

Well ok now onto the whole weird thing. Well ok earlier this week someone said something about me being replaced. Well I thought about it, and partly I think they were right. I dunno I mean I talked to Tawni about it for a minute before we got cut off but I still think deep down that sooner or later it will happen. The only thing that Mark really made me think about was when he said "they're gonna get closer, and pretty soon your gonna get cut out of the picture".......I dunno I feel that there's a lot of stuff I need to talk to her about but we always seem to talk to each other at bad times. Yeah overthinking is a bad thing...it makes you feel good at times when you think about some things but then new questions will always pop up. But this one has been there, but it took someone to bring it up to worry me cuz if they can see something, maybe it's happening, cuz I'm good at analyzing situations like this, but not when it's actually happenning to me. And that fuckin retard whoever the fuck he was, I don't care who u r, how dare u, bitch use my name. Just hope I don't find out who you are although I have my suspicions.

Plan JAM.......this is what I think is my hardest plan ever. It's gonna be hard timing everything and getting everything together, but I have Steph helping. I can't say what it's about but this plan probably means the most to me out of the three only cuz of the meaning to all of it.

Well I guess the only thing left to say is that Air Supply is coming on the 31st. There a 80's mellow rock group. They sang a bunch of songs I really like, I don't know if I'm gonna go by myself or not, cuz I can't find anyone willing to go with.

Air Supply - I Can Wait Forever


When you say, I miss the things you do,
I just wanna get back close again to you.
But for now, your voice is near enough,
How I miss you, when I miss you, love.
And though,
All the days that pass me by so slow
All the emptiness inside me flows, all around,
And there's no way out
I'm just thinkin' so much of you,
There was never any doubt...

CHORUS
I can wait forever, if you say you'll be there, too
I can wait forever, if you will, I know it's worth it all
To spend my life alone with you.


When it looked, as though my life was wrong,
You took my love and gave it somewhere to belong
I'll be here, when hope is out of sight,
I just wish that I was next to you tonight, and oh
I'll be reachin' for you even though,
You'll be somewhere else, my love will go
like a bird, on it's way back home
I could never let you go, and I just want you to know...


CHORUS


Where are you know?
Alone, with the thoughts we share
Keep them strong somehow,
And you know, I'll always be there...


I can wait forever, if you say you'll be there, too
I can wait, forever if you will, I know it's worth it all
To spend my life alone...
I can wait forever, if you say you'll be there, too,
I can wait, forever if you will, I can wait forever or more...
I can wait forever...

Plan JAM

Well I'm feeling much better. I wasn't feeling so great because of the whole Paul thing once again. I guess something someone said last nite made it all resurface again. That coupled with the fact that I had the whole day today to let it soak in wasn't good. hmmm I'll try to get out what's bothering me out completely since when I talked to Steph she said I need to get rid of that thought instead of just burying it. Yeah but before I let it all out, yeah Tawni called cuz I guess she read my blog. I didn't want to tell her cuz I didn't want her to start thinking about it again so instead Steph got on the phone and she brought out the fact that I owed her a talk on the mountain. So I did talk to her about it and she gave me that advice. I then talked her about something else that I can't say cuz it's a big secret (Plan JAM). But just to let u all know Plan JAM is different from plan J, and Plan JA. Tawni seemed a bit upset but I didn't want to talk to her about it while she was working. I stayed for about an hour, oh yeah Jason called during Steph and my talk. lol it was funny..... Anyways I guess what I've been feeling lately has been the feeling of being replaced.....I dunno Tawni and Paul are getting closer and I understand that cuz they are boyfriend and girlfriend, I just have a feeling that I'm not needed around as much and I dunno maybe I'm right but that should be a good thing for Tawni. I dunno, it weird....and also I have been trying real hard to bury this whole thing with Paul but I just don't have it in me. I have two reasons for doing so. I know Paul's a good guy, I know that. But that's not really the reason why I'm trying to bury it. I guess one, I'm still not quite normal around him, and I know that if I'm going to hang out with Tawni, I want to be myself and not some other person and I'm gonna have to deal with the fact that if I'm gonna hang out with Tawni I'm probably gonna have to hang out with Paul. The other reason is that I know Paul means a lot to Tawni and Tawni means a lot to me so I think as a friend it should be in me to become at least aquantances with Paul. Yeah those who the reasons y I was so blue this morning but I picked up after Plan JAM. Hopefully it'll work cuz so far Plan J (CCS) and Plan JA (Katie) have crashed and burned like no other.

Anyways my plan for tonite is pool with Jason, Frank, Adam, Steph.

Random Thing.....

One other thing, I remember when Tawni said something about how you have to be realistic about high school relationships and how they just don't last past it, I've coupled that with what I said about if steph and jason broke up, I wonder who would still be friends. I really hope that if it does happen I can still be friends with Steph, cuz she's a really cool person and she's great to talk to.

I Just Don't Know

Song Of The Day - Keith Sweat - Make It Last
Currently Feeling - hmmm....not sure I guess u could say angry or sad, probably a combination of both

hmmm.....well I thought I wanted to write what I've been thinking but I've had a change of heart so I won't do that. I'm definately not feeling writing about it, so maybe later.

hmm...last nite we had a surprise party for my sis since she left for Budapest this morning. Her friends came over and everything. Afterwards Adam came by, and I picked up Frank and went to see X-men. It was pretty good. We saw Bob's with a couple of people from work. After the movie we sat in front of Adam's house and just talked for about an hour. It was pretty cool. Just talked about random stuff. After that I dropped off Frank and went home.

Random Things...

For such a short entry it took a while. Just because I want to get things out but I don't want to at the same time......

2nd Day of Summer Off To A Slow Start and The Uncertain Feeling

Song Of The Day - Berlin - Take My Breath Away
Currently Feeling - Uncertain

Well last nite after I blogged, I fell asleep. Frank woke me up to go to Rosarios and we were joined with Adam cuz he got off work early. We ate with Jason for a while then we went to Franks so that Frank and Adam could play ping pong while I watched Smallville with the rest of the Gabers. Jason came over and we went to go see the Matrix yet again. On the way to the theater Jason kept pointing a plastic gun at cars and we were rapping too.... Before the movie I called Tawni but i 4got what I had to talk to her about. The movie itself didn't change my opinion about the movie. Halfway thru the car chase I took a little nap. After the movie we all went to Frank's so we could pick up our cars.

Today has been real slow, I got into an argument with my mom but it's all patched up. I was supposed to go to Adam's but I had to run a few errands. So I have absolutely nothing to do right now. It sux.......

Random things....

We now dub Jason the "praying mantis".......and also how Steph benches more than Jason

Lately a feeling of uncertainty has come over me.........

I also have been thinking, if Steph and Jason broke up, I wonder who would still be friends and who wouldn't.....

"When I Need You"

When I need you,
I just close my eyes and I'm with you.
And all that I so want to give you,
It's only a heartbeat away.

When I need love,
I hold out my hands and I touch love.
I never knew there was so much love,
Keeping me warm night and day.

Miles and miles of empty space in between us.
A telephone can't take the place of your smile,
Oh, but you know I won't be traveling forever.
It's cold out, but hold out and do like I do.

When I need you,
I just close my eyes and I'm with you.
And all that I so want to give you, baby,
It's only a heartbeat away.

It's not easy when the road is your driver.
Honey, that's a heavy load that we bear,
But you know I won't be traveling a lifetime.
It's cold out but hold out and do like I do.

Ohhh,

When I need love,
I hold out my hands and I touch love.
And I never knew, I never knew,
there was so much love,
Keeping me warm night and day.
Ohhh,

When I need you,
I just close my eyes and I'm with you.
And all that I so want to give you,
It's only a heartbeat away,

When I Need,
When I Need,
It's only a heartbeat away.
Celine Dion

So Much To Talk About

Song Of The Day - Celine Dion - When I Need You
Currently Feeling -Good

Wow a lot has happened over the past couple days. hmmm so on Sun, I had my church party. I signed up to teach little kids on Sun. I remember when I was little always looking forward to that class. I stayed at the party for about an hour but left early cuz I had to do other stuff. So I went home, ran some errands, and got ready for the concert. I picked up Tawni, I talked to her about what's been bugging her, then we picked up Jeff. Jeff has been getting on my bad side lately cuz of my conscious (thanx Tawni). Jeff talks a lot of shit about people, I never used to mind it, but since this year, I really can't stand those type of people. Anyways we got to the concert at 6:35 and got to our seats. lol there was a lot....a lot of weird people. There was 40 something year old ladies who were wearing midriffs, and short skirts. Then there was the lady with the weird hand movements...lol...then the 7'5 lady......lol oh and can't forget the security guy who got his freak on with this old lady....lol funny shit....The concert itself was really, really sick. It's the best concert I've been in cuz I'm not much of a mosher.....I think overall Styx performed the best, Journey was really good but I thought their song selection wasnt' as good. But they sang the two songs that I was waiting for them to sing, Open arms, and Faithfully. REO Speedwagon was also really good. They sang Keep on loving you, and can't fight this feeling. Very fun nite.....It ended close to midnite, so I dropped off Jeff and Tawni and passed out in the car for an hour.

Mon - I had two classes English and marketing. I got an A in english and I got to talk to Katie a lot. It felt good being able to talk normally again so I didn't go into the summer feeling bad that I was acting differently to her. Yeah I don't anything will ever happen there, but I still think that she's a really cool person and I really enjoyed messing around with her. Marketing I took my final and that was about it. Afterschool, Jason called and wanted me to eat with him, Tawni, Paul at Taco Bell. So I grabbed Frank and I called Adam and we met up there. We stayed and talked for a little bit then Jason, Steph, Tawni, and Paul went to Jason's house while Frank, Adam, and me went to Adam's house. Adrian called and I went to Jacob's house. Rich, Joe, Brandon were all there and I talked to them for a bit. I got Live and I went back to Adams. I went back home and talked to Tawni for a little bit. I was really curious about her dress and was about to go over but my parents wanted me to stay home. So I went to my sis graduation. I ran into Ian and I'm really debating about whether or not he is serious about stopping his drinking and smoking habits. If I do end up giving him a 2nd chance then it would be under 2 conditions.....absolutely no shit talking about Tawni and to not try and pressuring me into doing stupid shit. Anyways afterwards I went to Great wall and had dinner. I went to Adam's afterwards and played more games.

Tues - I had AP Bio and Precalc....Bio we did nothing really.....after bio I was waiting for Tawni but she didn''t go outside so I went inside her class and her teach let me stay. So the whole period we just talked. I got spun in the chair and I got real dizzy. Afterwards I told her we should talk to Ashby and tell him we were gonna e-mail him. I told Tawni there was something in her hair and I carried her to Ashby's class...lol so i got her in the end. I then took her and Paul to Kachina to pick up her moms car. I found out her mom is the nurse at Kachina as I two hidden agendas...One was Tawni didn't look so well today so I didn't want her to walk in the heat, and numero dos was I thought by doing a good deed for Paul would help me in my progress......afterwards I picked up Frank and Adam and we went to Emily's house for the BBQ. Cam was there in his white undies and jumped off the roof....lol funny.....Mike came with the meat and I got my burger. We then just stayed in the backyard and just talked and watched people dive off the roof....I left a little early cuz Adam had to go to work. We went to his house and played a couple quick games of live and then I dropped him off at Franks so he could get his car.

Random Things....

I lost another bet with Adam...this time we bet that I would be able to get into a conversation with Paul......yeah it was a hopeless bet but on the way home after the party, Adam knew exactly what I was thinking about. I was a bit upset at myself because I couldn't man up and talk to him. Yeah I think Tawni's right when we said that we'll probably never really talk. Maybe it's something that can't be helped.......

I gotta go bowling with Danielle and Mel....there really cool and funny, too bad we ended up not getting Physics with them although I know Tawni's in my class.....(so next year we found out that we'll have at least 4 1/2 hours with each other 2nd semester).....

My plans for tonite is to maybe hang out at Cousins if either Steph or Tawni call me over...then I'll eat at Rosarios with Frank....then I'll probably watch a movie after Jason and Adam get off work.

Journey, Styx, and REO Speedwagon

Song Of The Day - Britney Spears - I'll Never Stop Loving You
Currently Feeling -Good

Last nite I picked up Jason and we went to Cousins to visit Steph. We signed yearbooks, it was funny what I put in hers. We stayed for about an hour then I dropped off Jason and had to run some errands. Jason stopped by my house and we played GTA while waiting for steph to call. Tawni called and her mom wouldn't let her go out tonite or else she couldn't go to the concert. I talked to her about Will and Emily, it's a weird situation. I tried to find out what was wrong with Tawni but she said she would call back later which she didn't. Anyways Steph called but I guess she didn't want us to come or something. Frank stopped by and we all hung out in my room. Mike Lind then called me and wanted me to go over to Emily's. So we went over there at 10:30, and met up with Mike, Cam, Emily, Chelsey, and Steph. We hung out for a while but Mike Cam, and Chelsey had to leave. So we all went in the living room and watched TV for a while but Emily passed out and Jason had a curfew. Jason seemed a little ticked cuz they didn't do anything so why call us over but I really didn't care cuz we weren't doing anything anyways.

hmm today, I'm gonna go to church and then we have a church youth group party. After that I have a little bit to myself then I'm gonna grab some dinner, pick up Tawni, and go to the concert. I'm real excited, I've waited a month. I really wanna see Journey, I'm really starting to like REO Speedwagon, and according to Tawni Styx is better than REO so they're gonna be great too.

Slow Jamz XI

Song Of The Day - John Mayer - Back To You
Currently Feeling -Good

So yesterday after I blogged Jason went to my house. We kicked it here for a while, then my mom came home, so I dropped off my aunt and went to IN-N-Out. We talked about Steph, Paul, and my confidence. Jason was trying to convince me that there was no way I could have gotten Katie to open up if she's against it, and to a certain extent I believe that but deep down it rattled my confidence. But anyways we went back to my house and he played GTA3 while I took a shower. I called Mel to see what was up for tonite and they said it was still on. So all we were left doing was waiting for Steph to call to see if they were goin to go with us. She called and they were gonna go. I was about to take the volvo but I thought I was gonna take Hubert, Steph, Jason, Vicky, Tawni, and Paul so I took the MDX. I had to refill the gas then I met up at Steph's house. We called Tawni, but I guess she wasn't allowed. Steph said some weird thing which I didn't understand at all by her explanation. So anyways I Picked then up then picked up Vicky, then went to pick up Hubert. We went to Deer Valley but Mel called and said that they were gonna be late so we changed our plans like a bunch of times, but we ended up with The Matrix Reloaded at 11:20. We met up with Mel and her friend and we watched the movie. Well The Matrix was a pretty good movie but I thought there was way too much action and they could have cut out some unneccesary parts like the big orgy party. hmmm I wonder how much Cadillac paid to have their cars be the main attraction on the car chase. Afterwards I dropped off Steph and Jason at Steph's house and I dropped off Vicky. When I got home, Jason called and wanted to see if anything happened afterwards between me and Vicky. He said he was surprised cuz she's usually reserved but she seemed really talkative to me.

Random Things....

Yeah on Vicky, she's a really cool person and I remember having a real good time with her at homecoming last year but we were really quiet to each other so that kinda fizzilled but this year we talk to each other more. I don't know if this will lead anywhere and I don't think I'm gonna do something not natural, I'll just wing it cuz I think that's when I'm at my best.

Jason and I have similar thoughts on matters I was quite surprised about........

Capt. Mallow doesn't like Jason, he wouldn't even eat a carrot off him, but muched on the one I gave him.

The Concert is tomorrow....yeah

My Plans for today are ?????? I think I'm gonna go see X-Men with the "group", I don't know if Frank was gonna stay the nite at Pauls though.....

Yup I made a slow Jamz XI, originally I had a Drive Mix but there was way too much songs so I decided to just make a slow Jamz CD. Here's the listing.

Daniel Beddingfield - If Your Not The One
Babyface - When Can I See You Again
Britney Spears - From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart
John Mayer - Back To You
Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven
Reo Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling
Foreigner - Wating For A Girl Like You
Garth Brooks - To Make You Feel My Love
John Mayer - A Love Song For No One
Jon Secada - Angel
Mandy Moore - Only Hope
Britney Spears - I'll Never Stop Loving You
Michael Jackson - Billy Jean
N'Sync - That's When I'll Stop Loving You
Cutting Crew - I Just Died In Your Arms
REO Speedwagon - Keep On Loving You
Celine Dion - All By Myself
Uncle Sam - I Don't Ever Wanna See You Again
Celine Dion - When I Need You

Coming To A Close

Song Of The Day - Jon Secada - Angel
Currently Feeling -Good

hmmm....last nite I went to Cousins for a little bit, had a sub, did the chips, but left early cuz Ray (their big supervisor person) was coming in and I don't wanna look like I'm loitering. Played more video games.....Marianne and me found the old Jon Secada song. It's the shit, I remember it from back in the day. I'll put the lyrics at the end of the blog.

Anyways I had a really good day today. English I got some extra credit points. In Marketing we watched Ghostbusters. In Bio we had free time. Jeff, Tawni, and me are really excited about the concert. I got my yearbook back and signed by Tawni....it was really sweet and I felt like crying but just gave her a big hug. We then messed around on the chalkboard by writing a bunch of stuff only we would get (and some Ashby would)..... Yeah I signed Leah yearbook, at the end I put "PS. In case you didn't know back in frosh year I was ur secret admirer"....lol funny.....In math, I finished my final and messed around with Moses on the chalkboard.....Afterschool I guess Adam's car didn't work so Frank gave him a ride home. I went to Adam's and hung out there for a bit, but had to go back home to watch the patients for a little bit.

Random Things...

My plans for 2nite is to watch "Down with love???(something like that) or Daddy Day Care with a Mel, Danielle, Vicky, Heidi, Tawni, maybe Huberto.... (the AP Bio Group)

I've been talking to a lot of peeps from my church group. Mainly Billy and Conrad cuz they go to my school. I'm real cool with Billy, he's a soph but we have a lot in common (we both have the acoustic version of More Than Words)

Jon Secada Angel

I, I can't read the future
But I still want to hold you close
Right now, is all I want from you
So give me the morning
Sharing another day
With you, is all I want to know

And baby I, I've tried to forget you
But the light of your eyes still shine
You shine like an angel
A spirit that won't let me go

I, I didn't want to tell you
Things I didn't want to know myself
I was afraid to show
But you gave me a reason
A reason to face the truth
To face the truth, face the truth, face the truth

And baby I, I've tried to forget you
But the light of your eyes still shine
You shine like an angel
A spirit that won't let me go
Won't let me go
Let go of my heart

Fetal Pigs and Emotional Yearbooks

Currently Feeling -Good

heh well the school year is winding down with only 2 days left. My only reason for really coming to school was to get my yearbook signed. First period that's pretty much all I did, the same with 2nd period. In Bio, we had the option of discecting Fetal pigs. Now I dunno I found it pretty sick so I didn't really want to see it. Christie seemed to be enjoying herself. She wanted me to come over and look at the brains and intestines with her. I would rather see cadavers (and I have). I also got a chance to finally write in Tawni's yearbook and her's mine. I didn't really expect to write so much but as I started writing so much things came up. I had to cut it short cuz there was no more room left. When Tawni read it, she came up to me and gave me a hug and was crying pretty hard. yeah I was surprised by her reaction, it's probably a good thing that I didn't write everything I was going to or else she would have cried more. She knows everything about me, and how I feel about her and care for her so I didn't have to write too much about that. (ya do)....I just kicked it with Hubert on the computer listening to music and making comments on the TV. Math, the final from hell continues. The multiple choice is messing with my head, and the stupid ferris wheel question is killing me. After school I dropped off Sopheak and Frank. I picked up Barbie, then went to sleep yet again. I have no homework but I need to figure out that ferris wheel question......

Random Things....

hmmm....there was so much stuff I left out of Tawni's note thing in the yearbook. I only went thru a total about maybe a 1/2 a semester. We've done a lot together. Oh yeah in case I ever forget the date will be May 15th, 2015. That was the bet....

Jason was talking to me about Steph being weird lately. I didn't quite know what he was getting at though, but now that the novelty phase is over, I hope they don't grow apart.

Very Very Tired

Song Of The Day - Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby
Currently Feeling -Good

Hmmm so yesterday not much happened. I went by Tawni's house to pick up my cd's. I talked for Tyler for a little bit. He really liked my "Happy Feet" so if I ever find it in a store I'll give him a pair. The rest of the nite I studied like no other. Jason called and he was stressed out lately. Things with Steph, school, and work were all getting to him. I talked to him about that for a while then got back to my studying. Marianne came back late last nite but I passed out so I didn't get to see her come in.

This morning I tried to get my yearbook but it was packed. Hmmm I think someone's senior prank was to set off the fire alarm. It was kinda weird. Marketing we did impromtus. 3rd period was one of my 2 finals. It was actually pretty ok, Hopefully I got an A. Hmmm the whole day I kept threatening Tawni about carrying her to class...lol I kept telling her to watch her back... In math, we took the final. It's 10 flippin pages long, it sux....Afterschool I cut in front of Steve and Mitchell and talked to them about cars until I got my yearbook. I dropped off Frank then went to Adam's house to borrow GTA3. His sister came back today, she could possibly have cancer, and she's going to have to take chemotherapy....that really sux....After playing for a bit I passed out. Now I'm here..

Random THings...

The Journey concert is this Sun...so excited.....

I've been thinking about something.......What type of person would I be if I didn't have those who I looked up to as a guy and tried to follow when I was younger. I know I wouldn't be close to the person I am today. Hmm.....there was my dad who always pushed me to do better at school, My cousins John and Chris, I used to idolize them when I was younger and learned a lot about life from them. I used to always think they were the coolest and I remember trying to imitate them no matter how ridiculous it made me look. Even my cousin Mark in the past before his change, he always talked to me about sports. My cousin Calvin, I always thought he was cool cuz he was always family orientated but still had a fun time out. Anyways I guess they really helped mold me become who I am, and I've been thinking that a person can always change for better or worse depending on who they look up to.

A Fallen Polar Bear



Called "Squishy Bus" By Tawni

Tomorrow is Finals Day

Song Of The Day - Uncle Sam - I don't Ever Wanna See U Again
Currently Feeling - Really Good

Didn't do much last nite. I talked to Tawni for a while, watched some tv, went to sleep around 10:30....

Today was a pretty good day. First hour I did my Icon speech and got my 50 points. In marketing, just signed some yearbooks then worked on my resume. In Bio, I was back to my normal self. No angry feeling which was a plus. Lunch I ate with Adam, Frank, Mike, and Moises. Jason had his AP test then ditched the rest of 3rd period. Math I just worked on my packet. Hmmm so all in all nothing really new but still a good day. Marianne is coming home today....yah...

Random Things....

Hmmm..... yeah last nite I had to hide something from Tawni but she tried her hardest to get it out of me. I just get embarrased by what I say sometimes......

I didn't talk to Katie today which seemed a little weird for one reason or another.

I'm getting my yearbook tomorrow, I've seem my picture already and I look like a big dork.......

AP Bio Test and Finally Got To Visit Emily

Song Of The Day - N'Sync - Gone
Currently Feeling - Really Good

Well today I got to take the AP Bio test. It was pretty hard but easier than I expected. Hopefully I got a three but I could have gotten a 2 or 1. It lasted three hours, and afterwards I decided to ditch the rest of 3rd hour and go to Panda Express with Adam. We came back sometime during lunch and met up with Jason and Frank. In math, I got the big final in a couple days and I don't know if I'm ready. Afterschool I went into hibernation but I was determined to visit Emily at Cousins so I set 3 alarms at 5:30. I got my experimental sub, it was real good. I talked to her about Kevin who took a leave so Will was there. There was this thing about quitting but for the time being it seems like it's died down. I talked to her about Paul and all of the whole situation and me being all messed up last week. We actually have a lot in common, she real cool. I gotta tell Marianne to visit her on Weds so that Emily can show her the new Minds Eye Book. I stayed for a little bit then went home. Now I'm here deciding what to do for the rest of the nite.

Random Things....

I've held back from the Great feeling only til I find out whether or not I'm still in Angry/Jealous mode with Paul.....

Adam said he was scared of me on Fri...lol he said he was gonna say something but was scared I was gonna go off on him.....

Been A Long Time

Song Of The Day - Eric Clapton - Heaven
Currently Feeling - Really Good

Well I got off the phone with Tawni just a bit ago. We talked for a while, it was great. I talked to her about Paul and I was able to say a bunch of things that I've held back. I'm really happy that I got to talk to her for a while, it seems like forever since I was able to talk to her like normal. She put a lot of things into perspective. I'll admit my anger towards him was mainly from jealousy but I have a lot of things that are just between us. As for Paul, I don't know yet whether I've returned to normal until I can hang out around him without the anger rising. I probably won't find out til Tues since I have my AP Bio test tomorrow. To be absolutely honest, I doubt we will ever become friends, I'm not knocking Paul cuz I think he is a decent guy but there is just too much tension between us. All I know is that whether or not I can stand Paul I won't let it affect my relationship with Tawni anymore. What I didn't tell you on Fri was that it was probably the worst day for me. I took out most of my frustration on Tawni, and I really wanted to apologize to her after class but I didn't. I guess it's the intimidation factor (that may seem strange being intimidated by Paul if you've seen his picture, but don't forget I don't get intimidated by physical appearances but rather mentally). I think it's one of those things I'll have to work on. So to sum it all up Tawni and me are at least guaranteed to have a friendship for 12 years but our friendship is something that we both agreed could last a lifetime and that's something I pray for.

The Retreat That Did A Lot

Currently Feeling - Real Good

Ok I just got back from the trip a couple hours ago but I passed out on the bed. It was really what I needed on a bunch of levels. I didn't expect it to be fun and interesting but it really was. The best part was she gave each of us a little notebook and said that if we wanted we could use it as a journal. LOL so that's what I used it for. So I'll just copy it direct so u can see how i was feeling at the time.

Day I

Well I'm here on my trip. I honestly came here having serious doubts that I would have any fun but was I sit here on my bed on the 1st nite here, I realized that I'm having a pretty fun time. It's kinda ironic about how this trip came around when it did. I felt as though I lost connection with myself and I wasn't enjoying hanging out with my friends as much as I used to. They said when we first arrived that this retreat is to fined yourself and to let down your guard. Those are the two things that Ihave been lacking. So as the nite concludes I pray that I can regain what I lost so that when I come back from this retreat, I can return to being my "teddy" self. Heh yeah I've gotten used to that nickname bestowed to me by Tawni. Yeah it does kinda describe me as she hasn't been the first person to describe me as a teddy bear. I feel bad towards how I've been acting to her. I've been quiet towards her the most and that's probably the main reason why I want to go back to normal. I really feel out of place not being able to talk to her but lately I can't stand Paul and he's always appears to be with her so it creates a conflict. I didn't get a chance to talk to Steph before I left but I did talk to Jason. He said that he agreed about Paul always being around and he couldn't give any knowledgable advice but it was helpful talking about it though. So I think some quiet thinking time plus God's guidance will lead me to what I'm looking for. This trip has been pretty good. I'm starting to talk to more of the people I didn't used to and I'm starting to open up. That and there's cute girls.

Day II Noon
Well were on a nature walk right now. They told us to find a nice spot and write in our journals. So I chose the bench underneath the shade next to the pond. It's real tranquil outside, it's nice. Today seems even better than yesterday cuz I've gotten the chance to talk to even more people. Most of them are real cool and have gotten used to most of them. I'll probably be remembered on the trip as the one who was able to make Regina crack a smile during our game. It was funny, the object of the game was to go up to somebody and say "if you love me, will you please smile?". Their supposed to say back "I love you, but I can't give you a smile" all without smiling. So Regina was able to keep a straight face with most people so I knews I had to do something stupid, so I got on my knees in front of her and said "Regina, baby..." Everyone erupted and she bursted out laughing. So now everyone calls me "James, Baby". Also Andy and I kicked it in his room with a guitar. He is one of the best guitar players I've heard. He played eric clapton "heaven while I sung it. It's cool, we may do that 2nite at the campfire. It's been great, I've dropped my guard and I'm having a great time. I also talked to the priest. He said I was ready and I was making the right decisions in life.

Day II Nite
Well about to go to sleep. Last nite here well lets ssee what happened.... well Andy and I have been singing to both Heaven and gone. One thing I've learned is that you make sure whos listening. The whole day I was pressured to sing Gone at the campfire. I'm in the choir for church tomorrow. Should be interesting. Hmmm..... we had a seccion where if you needed to be forgiven then you bring them up, you say it, then the other person does the sign of the cross in oil. Matt comes up to me and said that he had wrong presumptions about me and he was sorry about it. I forgave him and gotta give him respect for being a man and confronting me about it.

A Quick Note Before I Leave

Currently Feeling - Horrible

I don't have much time so I just gotta note that nothing of importance happened. With that said

---Note To Tawni----
I think that you misinterpretted what I said. I meant that I don't think that you would want to talk about it. I would really like to talk to you about it but I don't want to force you to talk about it neither would I want to put you in an awkward situation. I'm not angry at you, and I know that I've been distant for the past week but there has been a reason for it. I finally understood what you meant when you said that I'm doing the thing I was trying not to. I know that I haven't really talked to you lately as myself but that's the last thing that I want to happen and you know that and I don't want to grow distant to you nor would I let it happen. Well I gotta move on but I'll talk to you when I get back........

For those who don't know what's going on, there's been a lot that's been in my head. I've held back a lot of stuff for numerous reasons. I really need to let this off my chest but when I tried to talk to Jason someone would always come up and the same with Steph.

Still No Answer, Still No Improvement

Song Of The Day - Mariah Carey - Can't Let Go
Currently Feeling - Still Bad

Hmmm well it's been a week and I still do feel like shit. Sure I've solved some of my bugs but I'm still stumped on my anger mood towards the "x factor". I dunno what to do about it. I need to talk to someone about it but I don't think Tawni wants to talk about it, and Adam and Frank wouldn't be any help. Jason would prefer me to force myself to talk to him but that's not gonna happen or if it did it would be unbelievably awkward.

Anyways my day went pretty well. 1st period didn't do much, the usual......2nd period the usual....3rd period I turned in the bio test and studied. I was actually a bit pissed at Jeff cuz of his Catholic comment he made but I know that that's how he is, so I guess I'm over it. At lunch same thing, Tawni came in halfway cuz she got back from the docs office. They gave her some medicine for her stomach cuz I guess it's the equivelent of a headache. I'm glad hopefully that should do the trick.....I was gonna ask her something about Katie but Amber came up. She was having trouble with her locker. 5th period I did exceptionally well on my test.

Random Things....

I've been doubting a lot of things lately cuz of things people say and cuz the loss in confidence. It's been a real dreary week for me and whenever it looks like I'm gonna get better doubt fills my mind. The only thing that's kept me from falling apart has been school. If I didn't have to worry about all the tests I probably would have broken down completely. I have been anything but myself. At times glances of myself appears but dissapears later. It's been real obvious to Tawni cuz she's the only one who really knows what's been going on. Jason noticed it too and i guess Adam and Frank seemed to notice it too.

School has really been my upside.

Late Nite Studying

Song Of The Day - N'sync - That's When I'll Stop Loving You
Currently Feeling - Still Bad

Well last nite, I studied for so long. I went to Cousins at a little before 6. I ate and studied til Tawni got off work. I took Tawni home and we studied til about 11:30. We got hungry so we went to Whataburger and had.....bisquits and gravy.....mmmmm pretty damn good....after that we finished our outline then I went home cuz it was 1 o'clock and I was dead tired. I thought my parents would be pissed but they didn't even ask me about it.

This morning I think things are starting to return to semi normal. I figured that the only way I'm gonna build up my confidence level is to just talk to Katie again. I mean I've been talking to her but i've been a bit more quieter around her so with the remaining time in school I'll try my hardest to become better friends.... In bio, the test was pretty so and so but no one finished so he made it a take home test. Math was math....

Random Things....

I've gained my 2nd wind in terms of school....I think I can pull it off but I dunno...well see......

So the only thing left is the "X Factor".......I really don't have any answers to it. The thing about it is that my sub-c is completely against the idea and the rest of my thinking is against it either. Most people know where I stand with him, heh most even laugh when I tell them I'm trying to bury the hatchet and they could be right. The only thing I'm trying to accomplish is not feel angry and awkward around him. I did for a while but ever since my plummeting mood, I haven't been able to do that.

Still Failing In My Attempt

Song Of The Day - Daniel Beddingfield - If Your Not The One
Currently Feeling - Just Bad

Well I had somewhat of a progress today and last nite. Last nite nothing to special, I helped Tawni with her bio over the fone for a little, then I talked to Adam about my situation (sort of), then i went to Hollywood and rented 2 Weeks Notice. Don't know when I'm gonna watch it, probably Weds or thurs......

Last nite I got a dream, a weird dream but a dream that I think both my sub-c and my normal thinking agree on and put down one of my 3 problems. It was a weird dream I kept switching where I was. One was back on Sat at Emily's. I remember Mike talking about how he always wanted to kick Scott's ass. Then I flashed forward to Tawni's house. I saw Scott (well I've never really seen him but I have my own image of him). Anyways I guess he hit her or said something but I just unleash on him. Then afterwards I apologized to Tawni for how I've been distant and not all there. Anywho I woke up pretty soon after feeling better about that aspect of myself. So anyways I think that I've come up to the conclusion that Tawni is my friend above all else and I'll be there, and have come up to the acceptance that that's all it'll be. So i've gotten one problem solved and that left two more, Confidence and Paul.

Well hmmm.....1st hour today we have Lovett sub for us today. It was just like global humanities all over again. I tried to regain some of my confidence but I failed miserably. I realized that I like Katie more than I thought I did so her rejection hit me harder than I thought once everything started settling down. Plus I don't really know whether she decided not to go cuz of fam issues or whether she just didn't want to go.....

2nd hour I should have ditched but didn't

3rd was bio, I had a pretty strong sense that Tawni wasn't all there today.... I helped her set up a schedule for the week since she's been feeling the pressure of school. Today I'm helping her with Bio, tomorrow math, then more math thurs.....

Lunch I stayed in and split my time between Adam and Frank, and Jason and Steph.....Steph's becoming a pretty good friend, I haven't completely opened up to her, but I'm pretty sure once I get into a "talk" with her, I can open up to her like the rest of my good friends....the same goes for Emily....there both really cool (reminder to myself....go visit Emily on Weds)......

5th period was actually pretty interesting, just talking pretty much......

Afterschool my plan is haircut, run some errands for my moms, then go to Cousins and help Tawni with bio

Random Things......

I don't know why I didn't notice it earlier with Katie, now I don't know how to reestablish my confidence level which is shot like no other......

I also failed miserably when it came to Paul. Lately when I've seen Paul around, a strange feeling of anger and awkwardness falls over me even though technically he hasn't done anything, well I thought today would be different but nope, during bio towards the end, that same feeling came over me again so I stood by the door and talked to Danielle.

On A Journey To Find Myself

Song Of The Day - REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling
Currently Feeling - Pretty Bad


Well you can tell by the title of today that I need to find myself. Lately all my actions and words seem to be distant and detached. Probably the person it's most evident to unfortunately is Tawni since she is somewhat connected. I guess the whole Katie thing was the trigger that my sub-c needed to bring everything back to the front. So now I've gotta sort it all out again but this time I've gotta squash this problem cuz it's reoccuring. A good point was brought up today by Adam though. We saw Tawni walk by and I said hi but Adam asked how come we don't talk as much during class then in class and after school. Well it took Adam a couple seconds before he could answer his own question which he called "the X factor". I dunno, everyone says it's understandable for me cuz of the "x factor" but I don't think so....I dunno maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right...I dunno......Well hopefully I can return to being "James" but if worst comes to worse I have a church retreat where I can reflect upon and decide what I want and what I don't want.

Run thru of my day.....hmmm....basically nothing.....

Random Things.....

I feel like eating out somewhere different but I don't know where and with who......

that long thing on Sat was exceptionally long, I wrote it over a couple times, and it could have been longer but there was a lot of stuff in my head that I couldn't word it. It was the longest I've ever written about something....

My little black book is pissing me off cuz a page keeps falling out and it's irritating me

Well I've decided to buy a Walk to Remember......#1 on my romantic movie list....only movie to ever make me tear up that much....

I'm really confused, I just don't really know what I'm feeling or even what to do......

----Tawni-----
I'm soooo sorry I'm worrying you....I want you to know you won't lose me, I just have to figure this thing out and solve it completely before I can go back to being myself. One of those things I have to do for me.
-----------------

????????????????

Song Of The Day - ?????????????????
Currently Feeling - Pretty Bad

Well last nite wasn't the best nite for me. We were supposed to see Better Luck Tomorrow but Jason went on a date with Steph, Adam couldn't find his glasses so we were late. So instead we went to Moises restaurant and then the billiard place. I got real sick from the food and when you combine that with my current mood, that isn't good. After I dropped Moises and Adam, I was gonna take Frank to Emily's house. I wasn't planning on going since i wasn't in the best moods but Tawni was standing outside and jumped on me so that I couldn't drive away. They took my keys so I was gonna stay for a little bit. Emily was real cool although she thought I had dyherrea (I just felt like throwing up) but she did make me a pretty good virgin mix. Mike and Cam came back with plenty of beer and so it got pretty funny. Emily got me a flower cuz I was feeling blue then I talked to Tawni a little by the pool. I still didn't feel like telling there cuz Paul was there and I didn't wanna make things awkward. After that I decided to leave but not before Mike could send me off the way only Mike could. I got home and went to sleep.

This morning I went to church then I worked on my essay. Tawni called just a little bit but honestly I still feel far from being myself. Hopefully I should feel better tomorrow or even better 2nite but I don't think that's gonna happen. If I finish early enough I'll go rent 2 week notice

The Conclusion on What's Wrong With Me

Well I've written this a couple times (actually about 3 and a half) already trying to write it as best as possible as a way to get it all off my chest.......ok well yesterday I was pretty sure what caused me feeling like shit lately...well I actually knew but I tried denying it to myself cuz this shit keeps bugging me time and time again. Well this time I got a little help discovering it from Frank and Jason. We were chillin at his house watchin tv when low and behold a Subaru commercial. Well of course that brought up Paul and they brought up why did I leave so early today from Cousins. I told everyone that I was tired and was gonna take a nap. The only problem was I contridicted myself cuz when we first came in I said I was all hyper. I guess that they caught on to that slip up. Anyways they said something along the lines of "you know the only reason you left was because of Paul. Why would you say you were gonna go home and take a nap then call us to see what was going on and who we were with". Well at first I denied it but deep down I knew that was exactly the reason. My subconscious made that decision. (I never told you what I discovered about what my subconscious is, I'll get to it later). Well the thing that has been buggin me is that with everything that has happen with Katie, at first I thought I was ok with it, but when time set it I knew that my confidence was shot. When that happens you tend to look at things differently, and it leaves you vulnerable on the inside. It was bad enough with all the whole Katie thing but lately the comparisons that people make with me and Paul have been getting to me too. People like to make a rivalry out of it, but I've tried really fuckin hard to kill it all. I've tried real hard to not mind him but I can't...I really can't. I'm mean I'm not talking about becoming buds or anything like that. I'm upset at myself at that because Tawni I see her as one of my best friends and he's her boyfriend so I should be able to do it for her, especially since lately to her it seems as if everyone seems to be against Paul. And then there's the subconscious....I don't like talking about it only cuz half the time I shouldn't even be thinking that way. My subconscious is the part of my brain that holds my deep feelings that get repressed. I don't really know how to explain it, it's like when you say something that you don't agree with but you mean it, the only problem is that since you don't neccesarily agree with it, for me it goes into my subconscious. 2 things have been bugging me since who knows how long and it's been stuck in my subconscious where my head and subconscious are always conflicting for what's best. One is about the whole being ok with Paul which I've already talked about. My head tells me that for the best of everything and everyone it would be good to be "ok" with him yet my subconscious tells me that I don't want to be "ok" with him. The other thing is with Tawni. I've been trying to move on for like forever and I've done a good job with it. I found someone else who I liked but for one reason or another that didn't work out. But deep down I knew i wasn't completely over the hill. My subconscious keeps reminding me that I still have feelings for her. If it were anyone else, I would not be having this problem but Tawni is my best friend and she knows me inside out and I know her almost as well. I know that she really likes Paul and I know that I won't risk our friendship. I don't have that in me. My head says I've moved on but my sub-c says I haven't. My head usually gets the better of the tug of war but since the Katie thing, I haven't been quite the same and my head has been out of it. (damn this is getting hard, I've been stuck on this sentence for a while). I can't seem to find the words anymore, there's so much I really want to say but I can't, but all I know is that it's bothering me more than it ever has and I don't have any answers. I know it wasn't gonna be as easy as flipping a switch but at the same time I didn't know that it was gonna be that hard. I don't wanna stop hanging out with Tawni cuz her friendship means more to me than those feeling ever will and if I ever did stop talking to her cuz of it, I don't think I would be a real friend. Plus it probably wouldn't do any good just make me feel worse. So I guess the only answer is time, time heals all wounds just a matter of how long.


---Tawni----
I'm really sorry about this, i'm sorry i've been worrying you I just didn't want to tell you cuz of everything you've been going thru lately I didn't want to add another thing for you to worry about. I thought I could handle it on my own but obviously it didn't quite work that way. hmmmm i'm just sorry
--------------

Worse than Yesterday

Song Of The Day - Foreigner - Waiting for A Girl Like You
Currently Feeling - Really Bad

well last nite I decided to Watch a Walk to Remember. Well to sum it all up it was one of the best romantic movies ever. Yeah it was sad but it was just so sweet with their innocent love and all. I'll admit I started bawlin pretty bad....

This morning I took the SAT's which I think I did pretty well. The math section was easy but I had a little trouble on the english part. During one of the essays that were about dreams I started to wonder. Anyways after the test Jason wanted me and Frank to go over to Cousins. So we go over there but I only stay for a bit cuz I was still not into it, and it wasn't gettin any better so I told them I was gonna take a siesta.

Don't know exactly what I have planned for today, I just don't know anymore.......

Lost In Thought

Song Of The Day - REO Speedwagon - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight
Currently Feeling - Pretty bad

Well I feel like crap for a couple days straight after a couple days of being pretty happy. There are a couple reasons why I feel like I do. You should be able to tell why if you read my week. One would be school but that's probably the least, then the Katie thing is bugging me now that it's had time to set in. I've lost confidence, and it took me a while to build back enough confidence. But with all that, none of those are really the root of what's buggin me.

Anyways my day has just had a bad aura around it. hmmm the quick run thru is nothing in English except Katie was coughin up pretty bad. Marketing, Mr. Buntin with the mad THO.....In Bio I tried to act happy to make sure Tawni kept happy but I couldn't keep up the mask for long. In math, I think I did a pretty good job on the math test.

Afterschool I got some gas, then picked up Barbie. I gave my mom a ride to staples and then TJ Max. I then came home took a shower, then took my sis to the mall. I went to Cousins but Tawni and Steph figured something was up with me cuz I was eating outside. They each tried to crack me to no avail. I stayed for a bit but I felt as though I was keeping them from closing so I left and went to Adams. I regained my earlier loss to his friend Kevin. I went to Hollywood but they didn't have 2 Weeks but they did have a walk to remember. Now I'm home....I"m contemplating either going out and doing something again...or I could watch A Walk to remember, or do nothing....

Random Things....

No confidence in me is quite sad but when that's not the biggest thing on my head then it's pretty bad.

hmmm....what can I do take a walk/drive or I could take a walk to remember.....

Things That Bother Me

Song Of The Day - AFI - The Leaving Song Pt. II
Currently Feeling - Kinda Bad

Well yup another half day went by today. Nothing really out of the norm. For lunch Frank, Adam, and me went to Red Robin and then we went to his house and played video games for a bit. I passed out every once and a while so I decided to go home and sleep. I slept til about 6:30 then Alicia called. I watched some tv then Tawni called and wanted me to go to cousins. So I go there and help them close. I did chips, rinse buckets, move in furniture, and put away dishes. Yeah I don't think I'm gonna compete with Paul for Tawni's job. I'm trying to rid my image of the whole thing with Paul that everyone has. Anyways I dropped Tawni off at home and now I'm at home, but no one is here so......

Random Things......

Yeah my plans for the weekend goes as follows: Fri - Hang out for a bit, go rent 2 Weeks Notice and A Walk to Remember. Sat - S.A.T's in the morning, then gonna study for AP Bio, watch Better Luck Tomorrow, may hang out with Moises. Sun - ??????

Yeah Tawni's been feeling real down lately and yeah it's starting to affect me too. She's been acting weird lately (well normal, but I don't want Tawni to be normal, I want her to be Tawni). I dunno, she has stuff she has to deal with that no one can really help her with. I've been doing everything to try to make her feel better, so I've just been listening to her and letting her get some of her emotions out. I just wish she would return to her normal self, because I'm really missing the happier Tawni. Also with the whole Dr. thing, hopefully tomorrow they will find what is wrong. Her mom's gonna take her instead of me, which I dunno if that's a good thing. So yeah, these are the things that bug me because she really means a lot to me, and seeing her go thru all this shit affects me to and I just wish there was more I could do.

School is starting to reach the end, this is the hardest stretch, English I have a 200 point paper due on Mon, AP Bio I have the AP test in a couple weeks plus I need to get an A in the class, Math I have a test tomorrow and the final to worry about. Then I have SAT's to take Sat. So all I've got to do is pull in enough determination for the final stretch.