3 diphenhydramines (benadryl) later......

I can't sleep, but i guess that's what two mochas can do to you.....it's ok I've been meaning to blog. With all the time I have before school starts blogging and working out are two of my many priorities. Both of which are kind of off to a rocky start. I took a couple of benadryl's so hopefully I finish this before I completely pass out.

So what to write about......There are actually a lot of topics I thought about writing about, but as my friend I'm a private person. Even with my close friends, I exclude details of my life for one reason or another. I thought about writing about my past female exploits but I want to hold that off for another day, I thought of maybe writing about my fears but I don't think i'm ready for that one, I thought about writing about my plans for starting pharmacy school and beyond but frankly I find it boring (or at least now I do). So what I think i'm going to write about is something I thought about a couple days ago and I think perplexes me a bit. That topic is friendship.

Now i know friendship is an odd topic to discuss,not to mention a topic I have talked about before. But I'm actually going to take a different viewpoint and that is why am I not a good friend to some people. Now anyone who knows me knows who I consider close with. But throughout my life, there have been quite a few people who I considered close to only to drop out of my radar in a snap. And after thinking about it, the main blame can be pointed at me. So here is my list of people I came up with....

Vincent
- probably my first close friend that I can really remember. As a little kid, I would get out of class at 2 and my sisters class would be out at 3 so my dad would wait til my sister got out and pick us both up. During that hour wait, many times Vincent would stay and we would play transformers or make up random game involving pine cones. Since then we were always very close in elementary school although when we got into HS, we didn't hang out much. Although I do remember in college, he called because he was going to be in Tucson and he wanted to hang. We agreed but when he called I remember I didn't pick up. Now i wasn't the reason he came down but that was cold blooded of me especially since after that we never talked again to this day.

Ryan
- He was someone who lived in my dorm and probably the person who i got along with the most in my dorm outside of my roommate. We partied alot and I introduced him to a bunch of my friends. He started having a thing for Tawni and for me back then, that was a big no-no. I think i took offense to it and slowly started ignoring him. The part that kinda disturbs me was that numerous times, he made an attempt to try to hangout, but it was me who kinda gave the cold shoulder.

Adam the Jew
- He lived in the adjacent dorm but we hung out a lot freshman year and again sophamore year. He started dating Tawni although by then I got over her. However, when they broke up, it wasn't pretty and I often felt torn in the middle. But we still chilled and at one point he even offered me tickets to the final four in atlanta. Well what happened was, I stopped answering his calls and once again started giving the cold shoulder whenever he wanted to hang out.

Amanda
-Here's one I don't talk about alot. I'm actually not sure how much of it I want to discuss. There was a time during the summer that I got kinda bored. I was taking summer classes at pima and I met her while waiting for one of my classes to start. She was cute, petite brunette, and so we started hanging out. I wouldn't say we were dating but rather having fun. I would say for a month we were "having fun" and then I started acting kind of distant. I started ignoring her and soon we just stopped talking. I never really had to worry about seeing her after my class ended and so I just kind of cut my ties with her.

Paul
-I think this is one where I feel justified. When college started, we actually got along quite well. But he made a very big mistake of messing with my family and then again with someone i really care about and then i don't think I ever trusted him again.

There are others but these are the ones that kind of stick out of my mind the most. Now Vince, you can reason that people grow up and they no longer have the same interests, and Ryan, we were really different and didn't have similar interests. But in each case I just ignored them until they got the point and stopped calling. I just feel bad thinking about it and wonder why i did what i did.

Like I said, a random topic but one that i thought of a few days ago. I think each of them, if I had kept contact could have been in my brain trust but I wouldn't allow it. I think the one I feel worst about is Amanda, even to this day I feel I kinda used her during my "I don't really care" phase. It's something that i feel i acted out of character. I think apart of me is comfortable with who i'm close with and especially since i'm a private person, that could maybe explain my weird behavior.