Well just wanted to inform you all, my mom's choice ended up being the......Acura MDX

I'm really bored right now, I'd do something with my friends but I've opted not to. Oh well I've kept my sanity but watching the cards getting their ass handed to them by the broncos then I can watch the suns game. Right now however I'm trying to solve a little mystery. I think I know who it is but I'm not positive but I'm close to solving it. Well I just writed to let me do something. OH one other thing.... I still haven't watched 2 weeks notice....damn I just don't feel like watching it alone.

well were not leaving today either, instead it'll be Mon. That really blows but what can ya do bout it. I talked to my couz for a little bit about relationships and everything. I chilled at home for a little bit then went with my parents to the acura dealer and I think they're gonna buy either the TL type S or the RL for my mom. Today I don't have anything planned since I shouldn't be here in the first place. I'll go to church then let fate deal out my day.

Random Things....

I woke up with 4 dreams and they were pretty weird


Dream #1- Ok I was going to school and I was running late and I tried to get into my 1st hr class (math although its not) but the teacher sends me to the pit. I walk on my way and run into Trent, Ian, Brian, Bobby, and Ryan, and they are all going to hide in the bathroom. We were trying to hide from the security guard pete and at the last minute I decide to hide in the stairs but just as I get there he comes thru the door. It's dark and I'm wearing pitch black so he doesn't see me. I see him open the bathroom doors and catch everyone else so I dart upstairs.

Dream #2- Ok back at school, I'm hanging out with friends and I see Paul on the other side of the locker pods carrying 3 large dandilions. I look to see where he's going and he gives them to Tawni. The whole school goes "awwwww" except for me. It felt so real I had that same gut wrenching feeling I got when I heard that they were official.

Dream #3- Ok my 3rd dream is weird also. I was going inside the cafeteria to eat. I got in the pizza line to eat when I start talking to Brandon Mac. I don't know why but we cut in line but I leave after a little bit and go to the snack bar line. They had a cafeteria worker and Vicki Chung was also working there. There was a bunch of weird things on the menu and they didn't have money amounts but weird symbols. So I ordered some things and I don't know why but I remembered the total amount. $4.32

Dream #4- Ok this is probably the weirdest just because. Ok I'm driving Tawni and me around the neighborhood. I drive by my house to see if anyone is home but nobody is so we go to Ambers. But for some strange reason it's Tawni's house and I guess they were eating. The music that was blaring was R. Kelly and Justin Timberlake - I believe in You. Anyways she gave me a plate to eat but gave me like 20 spoon, forks, and knifes. She told me what each one was for. Then she said I had to say "I like peanuts and bubble gum" before I eat. I actually said it like 10 times because I woke up and i was saying it.

really weird dreams if I say so

Song Of The Day - Az Yet - Hard To Say I'm Sorry
Currently Feeling - OK

Why am I not surprised that I'm still in AZ.....well as expected it got delayed another day so I have to find something to do today but I don't want to go out. I'll probably watch Serendipity then just play FFVII with my lil sis. Yup today won't be a very exciting day.

hmm...today was a weird day. Well the great wall didn't go great. My mumz and dadz got into a fight over who knows what but I guess they made up cuz they went on a date to watch LotR. I said goodbye to Capt. Mallow today. I cleaned his cage and Tawni, Amber, and Paul went to pick him up. I'm scared for him, I don't know how Bun Bun's gonna treat him. Oh yeah something real weird. heh it's actually pretty funny. When we were driving to the great wall, my dad asked me who my girlfriend was. I didn't know what he was talking about but then he asked me who I gave that Teddy Bear to....lol I told him it was for a friend but I don't think he believed me and gave me a speech about it's all my business but don't get anyone pregnant. Then when she came with Amber to pick up Mallow after I came back in he asked which one was Tawni.
Anyways later on me and my sis' went to Jason's house to drop off his cd then we went to Walgreens so that my sis could get Kimi's gift. Then we went to Just For Feet and I got some new K-Swiss Afterwards we went to Ultra 3 for my sis. I'm thinking of getting Ralph Lauren Romance. It smells real nice but it's $40. Then we went to Circuit City and got Tiano's gift. We got some Caramel Mocciato at Starbucks then went home. I still have to clean my room and pack.

Random Thing.....

According to my dad, Tawni means Lioness......

God I'm I that transparent, I mean I didn't tell anyone that I liked Tawni yet everyone knows (and you know it's bad when my dad knows)

Gosh 513.5 miles to Temecula......


I'll try to update in Cali if possible

Song Of The Day - A Simple Plan - Perfect
Currently Feeling - OK

Well today I have an extremely busy day. But first I'll talk about yesterday. Jason called up and wanted to go see LotR but since I already saw it we opted to see Catch Me If You Can. I dropped by the nursing home a bunch of times to drop off stuff. I dropped by Frank's house to see how his surgury went and invited him to come with us. I then dropped by Ambers again to talk to Bun Bun. I left Tawni's gift at Amber's and left a note saying to give it to her and asked her if she could watch Capt. Mallow. She called and said she could. I went to BK with Frank and Jason then went to the movie. B4 the movie Jason was talking a little bit about Tawni to me. He reassured me that they would never last because Paul was a weird kid and was desparate. My friends may be immature at times but they are really good friends. Anyways the movie, it was really good but really long. I wish I could live a life like that at times. Just kinda take your bags and leave without having to coordinate anything.

Anyways my plans for today....j

-eat lunch with fam at great wall

-clean room

-clean Capt. Mallow's cage

- drop by Amber's to give her Capt. Mallow

- get shoes

- drop by Jason's to give back cd and to hang out a little

- make a couple cd's for the trip

- go to sleep early

Well that's it for today, write ya later

What Sort of Romantic Are You?
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Talk about hitting it in the center

Song Of The Day - J. Lo/LL Cool J - All I Have
Currently Feeling - OK

Day after Christmas so what's there to do other than shopping. My plans for today are just to get some shoes, get my couz gift and that's bout it. Most of my friends are gonna be gone for a little bit and I only have two days b4 I go. Hmm... for the past couple days I've been playing final fantasy VII with my lil sis and last nite I watched the Two Towers which was pretty good. I called Tawni last nite 2 wish her a merry christmas but didn't talk long since Paul was there. I forgot to feed Bun Bun cuz I thought that she wanted me to watch him on the 26-27th but it turned out that 's when she's coming back. Oh well it would do good for Bun Bun to shed a few pounds. I'm probably just gonna ask Amber to give my gift to Tawni for me since I doubt I'll c her b4 I leave. I also have to get a card for Amber cuz I'd feel bad. hmm... I wonder if I'm missing anything. Oh yeah I remember what I got for Christmas...well my two favorites were of course money and also my lil' sis got me one of my favorite movies....Serendipity. I think I'll keep that to myself though cuz my friends still like to give me heat for buying Beauty and the Beast. Adam still sings "tale as old as time" every once and a while to make fun of me. Well I'll update later and i'll try to update in Cali so that the events are still fresh in my mind

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!!! I hope everyone had a good X-mas, mines was ok it just felt like it was missing the Christmas spirit so my goal is to try to recapture the spirit next year. My dad may not be going to San Diego with us because they have to do some paperwork. That means I have to drive and that means 6 hrs drive one way....that is gonna suck but it's worth it even if it's only for 5 days. Well it's short, I just wanted to wish everyone merry Christmas

Song Of The Day - Brian Mcknight - Still In Love
Currently Feeling - Alright

Well it's Christmas Eve so I'd like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hopefully everyone is having a great Christmas. I had to go Christmas shopping 2day because I didn't plan well. Let's just say it was total chaos and I had to fight for parking places. I got Marianne's gift and I also got Tawni's Teddy Bear. At first I had doubts again about getting it but she is a good friend. It'll probably have to be a late X-Mas gift. Hmm I don't have much planned, probably church and that's bout it.

Random Things....

(For Tiano) I'm glad everything is starting to fall into place although it doesn't involve Ricciee at the time. Were gonna pop in on the 28th and were gonna get ur gift for ya.

Now Currently Feeling - Like Shit

Well today has sucked real bad and the days still have plenty of hours left in it. I shaved off my gotee and moostash. Most of the day I've driven my sister around which I had no problem. I made 3 r&b/rap cds. I didn't really feel like hanging out with peeps today so I remained in most of the day. That could have been a big mistake because when I don't do things, I think, and when I think it eats at me. And since I haven't talked to her in a little bit it's have a worse affect on me. I would call her but I don't want to call with Paul there. I can't just keep busy 24-7 and everytime I begin to think about it the worse I get. I'm starting to think it's just gonna rot at me til there's nothing left in me. I dunno everything is missing in me, it's Christmas season and school's out but it's just not reaching me. I thought that if I just didnt think about it, it would make everything better but it just magnify's everything. The only person who can really help me can't because I can't tell her. It would be fair to her if I told her. I've been defeated and now I'm broken.........

Song Of The Day - Aaliyah - I Miss You
Currently Feeling - Decent

Last nite I had the potluck with Adam. I had to set up the room which was alright. Halfway through my sis calls and starts yelling at me at why I'm not home so that I could drive her to church. Anyways b4 the potluck we got to Target and Costco so that Adam can get his dad a Christmas gift. We come back and eat. Pretty good food, we then stop by Adam's friend Dusty. Pretty cool kid, he grabs his potato gun, get some supplies then go back to Adam's house. We play some Shinobi while Dusty assembles the gun. We then drive around trying to shoot things. It wasn't very fun. They went to the Canal to shoot it but they lost the bullets. So I ended up going home. I don't know what I'm planning on doing 2day.

Random Things....

I'm kinda pissed at Frank cuz Jason and me waited for him to get out of church so we can go watch a movie, but when he does get out, he tells us that he doesn't feel like going out.

Song Of The Day - Amanda Perez - Never
Currently Feeling - Decent

Well yesterday kinda sucked, I woke up late and Frank decided not to wait so I didn't go X-Mas shopping. I chilled at home for a little bit then after church Adam wanted me to go to Long's house for dinner cuz he was having like a Church party. When we got there his dad kicked us out of the house and we had to eat in the 50 degree weather. Long's sis finally let us eat in the living room until the priest came then Long's dad came back and kicked us out yet again. We left and dropped by Mark's house to pick up the Emperor's New Groove. We went to my house also to pick up Shinobi then went to Adam's house and chilled there. After a couple hours he dropped us at our houses. I've hung out with Adam every day since winter break started. Anyways I got home at midnite and I forgot that I haven't eaten dinner so I grabbed the keys and my mom asked me to buy eggs. I brought Marianne since she had to go to the store also. We talked about my predicament and all the things I could do. I would feel bad if I went for a rebound girl, I can't still try for her but it's not like I can flip a switch and instantaneously not like her anymore. So what I came up with is I have to be patient and wait for either them to break up or if I can find a girl who can make me feel different. I also realized when talking with sis that she's different than every girl i've gone out with or liked. I mean she sets off something in me that makes me feel different. With everyone else it was at first sight and it triggered my feelings, but with her it was different, she changed my opinion about her, and it was a strong opinion (cuz of Ian) and she did it easily. I mean she's real cute but I don't like her cuz of her looks, its her personality that I'm attracted to. I've never fallen this hard for someone based on personality hell I don't think I've ever fallen this hard b4. And maybe it's that reason why I can seem to get this out of my head. This is why I'm sad and this is why I feel empty.

Sorry I didn't expect it to be that long, but I did create this blog to let my feelings out and hopefully make me feel better.

Random Things...

For today what I have planned is Adam's church potluck and LotR.

I had this dream, I was walking along Amber's house and I saw Tawni walking across the street so I go and talk to her. It felt like everything was back to normal. I wasn't worrrying about Paul and I definately wasn't feeling sad. Unfortunately it got interupted by a call from Amber. She just wanted to double check that I was gonna take care of her bunny from the 26th and 27th. I was surprised that she was awake at that time cuz I surely wasn't.


I think my parents went Christmas shopping yesterday. They told me right b4 I left that they had to buy soap.....heh seems normal enough although I don't think it takes 4 hrs to buy soap.

While were on the subject of Christmas shopping, I'm gonna buy Tawni a Christmas gift. I'm gonna get the teddy bear but i guess it's gonna have to be a friendship bear... Hopefully I can get it too her b4 Christmas though

Song Of The Day - Jin - I Don't Know
Currently Feeling - OK

Last nite I chilled over at Adam's helping him get rid of his computer virus. It was pretty funny since his friend downloaded some porn and forgot to delete it and what the virus did was multiply it. We had to drop by Frank's work and asked him for help. He told us he would come by after work. Adam was pissed at his friend and if it weren't for me being there his dad would have exploded on Adam. Frank came he tried to help. I had to go and went home, ate dinner then went to sleep.

2day I'm going Christmas shopping with Frank and that all I have planned, maybe church today if I have nothing planned.

Random Things....

I've been trying to keep busy lately and it's shown since I haven't been home much so far, but I can't help but think about it when I'm laying in bed. I have so much questions I could ask myself "If I had done this, If I had done that" it just all ended the worst way possible. I'm mean they ended up official, I ended up silent and wondering "what if?". What a nice trade off.... .

hmm...tomorrow I'm gonna go with Adam to his family's church potluck....yeah free food = no money loss

No lord of the rings yesterday or 2day, No "2 week notice" yesterday or 2day. I may see LotR Sun with Frank and Jason since Adam is seeing it with fam. I still have planned 2 Week Notice but I have no timetable for it other than b4 I leave to San Diego.



Well that's it for today, if anything of note happens I'll let you know

Song Of The Day - All 4 One - So Much In Love
Currently Feeling - Alright

So how did it go last nite? Well actually it went alright. I arrived at 8 at Amber's and Paul and Tawni were already there so I parked in front of them and Tawni called on her fone. I chose not to hang out in the WRX with them and opted to listen to my slow jams cd. I decided that I would not try and get in the way of them so I opted to mainly hang out with Pat. So it was Amber, Tawni, Pat, Paul, Jessica, Tina, and I. We took 3 cars up there and we stayed for like 15 minutes just talking on the street corner. hmm pretty funny with Jessica, Amber, and Tina grabbing each others boobs. We got alot of attention from the passing cars. Well we got bored and some of them wanted to go to Mill but Amber didn't want to drive there so they decided to go to Hooters. We pretty much talked there but I had to leave after a little bit. So pretty much it was ok although I'm still not close to %100.

Song Of The Day - Brian Mcknight - With Every Beat Of My Heart
Currently Feeling - Scared

Well I guess I'm going to Glendale Glitters. I just got off the phone with Amber and she convinced me to go. I really would normally enjoy this type of thing but really my attention isn't going to be there. The last thing that I need is to see those two make out and my mood will drop back down yet again. I don't really know why Amber wants me to go so bad, she knows that I'm not going to be comfortable but oh well. I'm probably gonna end up hangin with Amber or Pat since I don't wanna disturb Tawni and Paul.

Anyways I got to sleep into today since I had no first hour. When I got to school I couldn't find a parking place so I parked in the visitor at the front. I got an A in APUSH which is cool. Amber kept wanting me to go so I guess I'm going. After school I picked up Adam and we went to Target to get my lil' sis gift. we then went to #1 Bro's pizza with Frank, Jason, his bro, and lil' couz. Afterwards Frank and I drove to Adam's but I had to leave cuz Marianne had to use the car. I'm making a slow jams VI, right now I'm double checking to make sure all the songs that I want are in there.

So plans for 2day is nap, quality time with Mallow, call my couz to see if everything is alright, then go to see Glendale Glitters.

heh one other thing I found earlier this month in my blog "Well now that we are in the jolliest month of the year I'm pretty excited. Only good can come out of Dec. .." lol my ass it's been the exact opposite, anything that could have gone wrong has and were only half-way into Dec. If Dec continues like it has, I'm going to lose my mind

Song Of The Day - Destiny's Child - Dangerously in Love
Currently Feeling - Better

Well my day went pretty good but I still feel part of me is still lost. Like I'm not as depressed as Mon or Tues but it's like whatever i'm doing, i'm a notch below what I'm normally at. Something in me is missing and at times I feel empty. I guess only time can heal that wound. So I guess I'll have to let time do it's magic.

Here are some of the reactions to some peeps...

Rich - He wanted me to do it but he had a feeling that I would take longer than I said so he was right about that. It's funny, when we talk about it we refer to Paul as Bradbury and he tells me that he shouldn't have been a problem for me if I would have dealt things straight up.

Adam - He brought it up yesterday when he asked me if Paul and Tawni were going out. I can never seem to get away from hearing that but anyways he did cheer me up a bit when he started crackin jokes at me about it. He still pissed becuz he doesn't know what me and Rich talk about.

Jason - We don't talk much about it but he knows and he tells me why I haven't done anything yet.

Dad - Yeah well he doesn't know about it but yesterday he was asking me why I've been quiet lately

Alicia - She's my positive outlook on things. She says that at least it happend during winter break so it gives me a chance to get over her or for them to break up.

Anyways I'll get on to my day. I took my math final and the studying the night b4 helped out a lot. I thought it was easy as hell. Amber wants me to go take care of Bun Bun when she goes on vacation but I still have to find some1 to watch Mallow when I go 2 San Diego. Well I didn't have to go to second period so I headed home. I ran into Tawni into the parking lot so I gave her a ride home. I can almost talk to her normally. I've just lost so much confidence that it'll take me a bit b4 it comes back 2 me. Were gonna try to do something b4 I leave but I don't want to do something with Paul involved so I don't know how that'll turn up. I got home and was about to get out of the car but I saw Tawni left her purse and knowing how girls' put their whole lives into purses I drove back and gave it back to her. I got 2 see her bird...pretty cute. So when I got home I ate then cleaned up my room a little bit. Jason came over and we went to Frank's and saw that I guess some fight broke out and their were a couple of cops. They took Ian out of his car and I thought that they were going to arrest him but they just took him out to question him. We ate at Carl's Jr. then went to Adam's to go Christmas shopping with him. He wasn't home so we thought he left already so we went to Wal-Mart to see if he was there. He called us and told us he went to the bank so we just met up with him. He finished then we went to the mall and chilled there for a while. I got a call from my sis telling me that I was picking her up. Yup so I called my mom and so she told me to pick her up. So I did and we got some Uof A sweaters then went home. Who cares that I have a history final....heh

Here is my plan for the week

Thurs - hang out with friends, rent game, christmas shop if I have time

Fri- going to go see Lord of the Rings with friends

Sat - I wanna go see Glendale Glitters so I'll probably take my sis'

B4 I leave to Cali I have to see "2 week notice". If I have to see it by myself which is probably what I'll have to do, I'm not even going to bring it up with my friends, don't really wanna watch it with my sis'.

Oh I 4got about one other random thing...........I can't seem to escape this constant reminder that they are together, in math, the topic came up with Stephanie and Amber about how cute Tawni and Paul were and I was just sitting right there. I just didn't wanna be there

Song Of The Day - Amanda Perez - Angel
Currently Feeling - a bit better

Well I felt a little better after yesterday. Still a bit bitter but I think I'll get over it. I guess that's the good thing about Winter break, I have two weeks to recover and hopefully return to normal form. I got a 88 percent on my 1st HCT final and a 95 on my 2nd HCT Final. I don't know what my final grades will be anymore, I'm so scared. but with everything that is at stake with my grade it hasn't been my main concern recently. So my plans for today is to study for math final #2. There is a distint possibility of me getting an A but it's miniscule. I'll study by myself for a little bit then I'm gonna head over to Amber's to study.

Random Things

Tomorrow I only have math 2morrow and Thurs my only class is History.....

Well today was the last day of HCT for me, so much has changed since the beginning of the semester, most of it has been so unexpected....

Amber wants me to go to Glendale Glitters but I told her I'm not sure cuz I don't wanna go cuz Paul and Tawni are gonna be there and I'm not sure if I could handle it very well.

Well I've made yet another decision, after I watch 2 weeks notice whenever I do, that's when I officially start over again, I don't think that they'll break up any time soon and I can't just stand and watch so maybe it's time for me to get back into the game.

Song Of The Day - Ataris - Your Boyfriend Sucks
Currently Feeling - In the Shitter

Well I was partially right when I said that everything was gonna come to a head today. Just not the way I expected. I had planned for a lot of situations but I didn't plan for this one. Well i was all set today, I came to school to try to catch her early but that didn't work. So in first hour Amber told me that they are finally official. That little sentence dropped me down to shit level and also left me in a weird trance where I didn't say much. Everything up to this point just came crashing down and i didn't know really how to deal with it. So my trance carried over to HCT. It just felt awkward, I didn't say much and everyone could tell. I chilled on the bed contemplating and I guess while I was gone Nat, Becky, and Tawni were talking about me. When I came back Tawni and Becky were trying to find out what was wrong. Of course I didn't tell them but I think they all knew what was up. In math Amber invited me to go see Glendale Glitters with her and a couple of peeps but I think I'll decline the offer becuz it'll end up being a couple thing and everyone is pretty much paired off and I don't wanna become the 3rd wheel. I'll probably go see 2 weeks notice with her though, but that also depends on who else goes. I don't know what else to say...

Random Things.....
Becuz Blogger was all fukked up on the weekend let me fill in on what happened....

Sat. went to the 5A Championship game then chilled at Jason's house
Sun. Dropped off Marianne in Tucson

Well I guess for me, it's a new start. In a couple of weeks I'll have a new set of classes. It won't be that easy but hopefully I'll be able to preoccupy my head.

Well it was my last chance to do it in person and I was going to do it but I couldn't get her alone for more than a few minutes. I'm a bit dissapointed that now the chances of me doing it in person is slim and that I'm gonna have to do it over the phone but i have to get it done. I know that she's with Paul now but this is my last ditch effort and either way I think it will help me clear things up in my head.

I went to the Louow (however u spell it) and stayed for about an hour. They had hula dancers and the flame stick man. It was alright. Jason called to see if I wanted to do anything but I was gonna pick up Marianne in Tucson. I listened to 1,2,3 slow jams and song along to most of them with my lil sis. After we picked up Marianne at Tucson we got some bulba tea then went home. I felt really tired and was going like 110 mph the whole way becuz I didn't see a single cop in sight. When we got home, Tiano called to see if I did it. (that made 3, Rich, Nat, and Tiano).

This morning I spent like almost an hour thinking on how this is gonna come out. I'm not setting any expectations becuz I know there won't be any.

Not a real good day for me. I fucked up on the final pretty bad. Once I looked at it my mind went blank. Lately I haven't been doing well in school. I can't believe I"m choking towards the most important part of the year. Hmm....let's see I didn't tell her yet so I have to do it Fri. I'm scared I really am and it's gonna be hard with the assembly going on during 2nd hour. I gotta figure how this is gonna work. She was also pretty paranoid when I told her I went to Ian's house. She kept asking about what we talked about. I did have my own little agenda of going there yesterday. I was curious to see if there were any left over feelings in him for her but that was pretty easy to tell that there wasn't. Well that's it for today unless I can think of something to write down. So the conclusion is tomorrow if I follow thru with my goal is the day.

Today was an interesting day but unfortunately today wasn't the day. Let's see I went to school early but Paul beat me to the punch yet again. So I can't seem to find a time alone. So in APUSH, talked to Amber, she let me copy her math notes for the final 2morrow. Well then was HCT. I told my teach that I wanted to do PCT so now I'm in it next year. We practiced CPR then had a little party. I had a little window of opportunity but I didn't wanna do it in class. B4 break I had this little passage that I wrote to myself just in case I froze up. Well I dropped it and Becky picked it up and read it. It didn't have Tawni's name and she thought it was a letter to a girl. I walked with Nat during break and I told her about Tawni. She said that I should do it and that it was cute. After class since I already ate I saw Alicia and talked to her alittle. I told her my plans and she gave me some good advice. 1st she said that I should try to talk to her with Paul around to make a point. 2nd if she knows then that's a good thing becuz she hasn't been avoiding me and she's expecting it. 3rd is that I should try 2 become best friends with her best friends. So it was nice getting advise from her. Oh yeah she said that she's gonna ask who she's gonna take to Sadie Hawkins dance. In math I got a B on my test so it's gonna be crucial to get an extremely good grade on the final. She left early so I ditched. Baitos went to the game but I talked to Ian so he wanted me to stop by his house. I went home got some money then got a haircut. Afterwards I went to Ian's house and talked in the front of his house for an hour or two. We talked about a lot of things. One thing I found interesting was that he thought that our old group (bobs, Braiden, Ryan) were boring and they never have anything interesting to talk about. I thought it was a little mean but he did have a point. They never seem to do anything. Ian wants me to go to Wes party of Fri and I'm gonna think about it. He said that there's gonna be a lot of beer, weed, hot bitches (his words not I). Amber wants me to go see Maid in Manhattan with Tawni and Paul on Fri. I'm probably gonna do that but I'm not sure because if what Amber said is true with them "making out" then it's not gonna be the best area for me. She wants me to double with her because she doesn't want to be the 3rd wheel. Well it was the first time I really talked to Ian, and as I expected we have become so different it's pretty funny. The only thing we really agreed about is we both don't like Paul. lol we both agreed about that. I left to go pick up Baitos and now I'm home.

Random Things....

Well it's gonna be impossible to try and talk to her alone during school, everywhere she goes Paul follows so my plan is that I'm gonna tell Becky and Nat not 2 go out to break so that I can talk 2 her alone.

Well that's it for 2day lates

Well no more clinicals for the year, it was a pretty cool last clinical site. I follwed Sergio and he was cool, we had a laid back day. Oh I almost ran over the sidewalk becuz I was trying to make sure the cookies that I had to get for the hospital didn't fall over onto the floor and I wasn't looking on the road and I was drifting into the sidewalk...lol pretty scary. I gave Matt a ride back to school and I studied for my math test. I think I did good on it but I'm not sure. I was thinking about ditching but I u-turned and went back to school. Well that's about it for the day.

Random things

It's funny how I've prioritized everything, it's down to crunch time and i'm oh so close to getting straight A's but to be honest that isn't my high priority right now. Even when i've tried to study for the final I can't fully concentrate. Do I think I can pull off getting straight A's...maybe just maybe.....

Well I might as well update everyone of the main situation. Well Mon and Tues were my final decision days since it would have been too hard to talk to her because of clinicals. Another problem I'm having is I can't seem to spot her alone becuz Paul is always hanging around her. So my plan is tomorrow is to see if I can find a time when she is alone. In the event that I can't then I'll have to tell Nat and Becky my plan and tell Tawni after or during the break of HCT.

Oh yeah last nite I dedicated Selina-Dreamin of You on lights out Phoenix but Midnite mamacita got sick and her replacement sucked.

I think Capt. Mallow likes me, I just need him trained but he always goes anywhere but the litter box. He likes to sleep in his litter box. Oh well I still luv u el Capitan

Well a decent Monday, I'm excited about the semester being almost over. It finally hit me today, tomorrow is my last clinical and today we did the last section in math. I have found a new hope in getting an A in math. All I have to do is do good on the test and it should bump up a percent or 2. So anyways my day....well in APUSH, I got a perfect score on my DBQ....did an alright job on my test but it should barely affect my grade so i'm not worried. hmm... clinicals not much I worked on my mom's floor so I got to hang around her alot. Oh yeah, I was talking to Tawni and she said something to Richard that went something like "James is such a sweetheart" and Rich was like " so you two still dating". Yup Rich great job!!!!! I really don't know how he found out, one day he came up to me and asked if I liked Tawni. and I didn't even bother lying to him cuz he would have seen through me. Well I've got some studying to do so I'll talk 2 u later

Well this is it, this is the week everything is up for grabs. So in dedication of this week the Song Of The Week is Michelle Branch - I'd Rather Be In Love. Real good song

Song Of The Day - Christina Aguilera - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Currently Feeling - alright

So last nite I didn't feel like hanging out with friends so instead I opted to watch the #4 and #5 romantic movies, It's a Wonderful Life and Sweet November. Both are really good movies so if you haven't watched them, you should especially It's A Wonderful Life cuz it's Christmas season and anyone who thinks they aren't worth shit should realize that they are important to someone although they may not know it. Our house is Christmasized with all the decorations, the lights, the trees, just a whole lot of green and red. On the song of the day, I just started singing the song on the way back from Desert Ridge. I think it's the best Christmas song and almost every artist known to man has sung their own rendition. Well that's it for 4, later

Oh yeah one more thing, doesn't it suck how one moment you feel all brave but the next moment you become jello.

Ok these last two days have been hard on me, I'm still set on telling Tawni how I feel but I fear the probable. I asked her today if her and Paul were official yet and she said "no not yet", and 2nite they're going to go watch fireworks at the sports complex. I have an idea of what she will say when I tell her and I'm scared on how I will take it. I'm scared but I know that it must be done so I won't look back and wonder what if I would have told her. It would eat at me 4 the longest time.

Random Stuff....

Well I've finally got my Top 5 Romantic Movie

1. Beauty and the Beast
2. Serendipity
3. Pearl Harbor
4. It's A Wonderful Life (yeah I don't know if you could count this as a romantic movie but it always brings out emotion)
5. Sweet November

I think 2 Week Notice may knock Sweet November out of the top 5 but I guess I'll have to find out

Song Of The Day - Sugarcult - Pretty Girl (This Way)
Currently Feeling - alright

Hmm...Friday didn't go well.....it seemed like cat got my tongue.... So if you want to be realistic I only have 3 days to tell her by Dec. 15. It would be hard to do it on Mon and Tues so I'm aiming at Thurs or Fri. So anyways as I said earlier I couldn't get much past my mouth, my chances of getting straight A's have massively spiraled downward. Afterschool I went to the library with Adam and Mark to drop off a book then we chilled at his house for a little bit. We dropped off Mark then went to the basketball game. We lost by like 13. We went back to Adam's house and watched the rest of Windtalkers. An alright movie but a little lacking. The movie was pretty long too, at times I felt like I was gonna pass out on the couch.

Today I don't have much planned since peeps are working and also cuz I have no money. I'm dropping off Barbie and her friend at desert ridge, gonna eat some in N out, get rabbit stuff. So I'm looking at $30.....If I can't find something to do with anyone I'll go see the sneak opening of Maid in Manhattan.

Well that's it for now, later

Song Of The Day - 98 Degrees - This Gift
Currently Feeling - Excited

Well I felt so excited today. I mean I wasn't planning on saying anything today but it was a day of confidence. Something has changed in me which was pretty noticable to most people. Anyways let me get thru the day. Well I did good on 1 quiz, fukked up on the other, and got a B on my HCT test but that didn't get me down. I had Tawni pick out a number between 10-20 which she picked 15 so my new date is Dec 15th which is my goal to ask by. I'm just waiting for that moment when everything is in place and it seems right to bring it up. I think I know her answer but I'll remain confident that whatever happens everything will be alright. Anyways we had early release so Jason, Frank, and I went to #1 bro's pizza and met up with Steve, Aric, and Ian. Afterwards we went to Metro to walk around for a little bit. We took a look at Chanel Platinum cologne cuz Jason said that it pimp. It was alright but I'm gonna stick with my pleasures. After that I dropped them off and stopped by Adam's but he wasn't there so now I'm home.

Random things.....

I don't think Paul is very fond of me, he dropped off Tawni afterschool cuz her and Amber were gonna go shopping, and on his way back we passed each other on the street and I could feel a little tension......

Still the question no one knows the answer to is if they are official or not, I don't think they are or I would no, and no one I talk to is positive yet either.....

Song Of The Day - Brandy - Love Wouldn't Count Me Out
Currently Feeling - Great

Well to tell you the truth, I wasn't planning on writing in the blog today, I was feeling a little depressed and couldn't bring myself to write anything. Well I just got off the phone with Tiano and he told me what I think I've needed to hear to get my second wind which will ultimately help me take that next step. Well first he called up becuz he read my blog and called to give me some advise. Basically he told me that I shouldn't give up if I really like her becuz you will always wonder what if. I shouldn't worry about Paul becuz they aren't official and that love is war and that he was winning. He said about my fear about things getting weird he said that our friendship should last through it even if the feelings aren't mutual. I've been standing by watching too much, letting opportunity after opportunity pass me by and isn't that what got me in this predicament in the first place. So I need to take some action and finally find out how she feels. I feel so rejuvenated right now, almost like a whole new surge of confidence is flowing thru my veins. I guess I just needed that wake up call and so thanks Tiano for calling. Just for that Tiano, I promise you that when I lead 21-0 with "The Key" with 3 touchdowns, I'll take him out and replace him with Gramatica...lol

So in conclusion to sum it all up, no more excuses, no more missed opportunities, the time is now to seize the moment......

Song Of The Day - Brandy - When You Touch Me
Currently Feeling - Better

An alright day....I'm gonna have to rant alot about something but I'll write about my day first. I 4got to mention yesterday about the home invasion that happened by the nursing home yesterday. Well my dad was around the area so they interviewed him. We didn't get a chance to see it but this morning Leah goes up to me and tells me about it. I finally arrived on time at my clinical. It was alright, didn't do that much and had some downtime which I used to deep think which will explain why I need to write something below. I took my math test and did alright. Afterschool I dropped off Frank then went home to chill and change for a little bit. I went to pick up Barbie but on my way home I saw Steven D. with some girl. I guess it is his girlfriend cuz he asked me if I could give her a ride home. I felt bad for her so I did. She was a pretty nice girl, a senior at Cactus. I've never seen her but I guess she's seen me. On the way out I saw this lady fall out of her truck and land on her neck. I would have gone out to help but other people arrived so instead of making a bigger crowd I just went on my way. I filled up gas and played with Capt. Mal Mal for a little bit. I don't have homework but I do have to study for my test in HCT tomorrow.

Ok here's what I need to get off my chest......

I've been always able to tell if there is any ever feeling between two people. I've never misguessed on one except when it comes to me. I guess it's just that when it actually happens to u, u lose ur sight and are blinded to see what's really going on. Anyways I think I've been a little blinded at the fact that I'm a complete underdog. I mean he spends more time with her, hangs out with her friends, and basically has buried any chances that I have. There's always a time to throw in the towel but my heart or (left brain) has always prevented me from doing so until now. It's just too hard at the position that I'm in that it's starting to eat at me, not knowing what to do. From my Oct 2nd post, I don't know if I had asked if it would have changed anything but I guess it's just too late. I mean fate pretty much fukkin gift wrapped me the opportunity but I was stupid and let it go to waste so it was my fault. I guess that's the biggest advantage he has over me, he's told her how he's feel while I always took a seat on the bench waiting for things to unfold naturally. I've tried but i've held back, subconciously I have, I mean she did have a point when she asked me why do I edit out words that I don't want her to see with wingdings instead of just deleting it, and the reason for that is deep down I'm trying to tell her but I know that the words won't come out so I leave hints even if I don't mean to. It's just one half of my brain acting on it's hunch without consulting the other half. On lying to myself, yes I've done that a couple times already. I mean no matter what I say I can't just get over it, from a lesson from my couz it's just not that simple. It's just that she different from anyone else, in the past I've asked girls out based on looks, personality, or something to that effect but she came into the school year as the person I would least think about even considering. She dated my good friend, she had a bad rep based on that relationship and being that he used to be my best friend that would affect my decision even more than others. But after a few days she was able to make me completely change my opinion about her and she was able to make me open up to her. I can be myself around her and not worry about being cool in front of her. The other thing I lied about is that I don't want her to end up with him. Yeah I can't honestly say that I would be happy if she went out with him. Damn I did write alot about her didn't I.....Oh yeah I did really fukk up on one thing, my teddy bear plan...I just realized that since I told her, if I gave her a teddy bear, whether or not as a friend or not, she would find out because I told her that I would give the girl I liked a teddy bear. It was a slip up on my part. I don't think I can go through with it because of my error but since it's only Dec 3, it's too early to tell. Oh yeah I last thing I promise, I really don't have a clue about whether she knows or not, really at times I think she knows but other times it seems that she's clueless about it. I'm not positve but my guess is that she thinks it's her but doesn't know for sure. It feels real good getting this off my chest, I never knew I good having a blog would be. It feels good to get ur feelings out and it's easier than writing it in a book. On Tawni, I just don't know and I haven't really been able to think straight this whole time.

Song Of The Day - Brandy - Come A Little Closer
Currently Feeling - Angry/Frustrustated

Damn today sucked.....I had to go to school early to find out where my clinical was for this week. I thought it was gonna be next to t-bird but ended up being in downtown Glendale. On the way to the clinical I got lost, I had to stop at a couple gas stations to get directions. The first one I got to there was this middle eastern guy and I don't know why I even bothered but he said that he wasn't sure but he still gave me directions that only got me more lost. Finally I went to another gas station and this lady told me where it was. So about 40 minutes late I arrive and they show me a video of what it's about (neuro development for kids). Afterwards I watched the music session with the autistic high schoolers. One of the kids looked like my sis' friend Ian, while another kid looked like the Rock. After the music session they went to the back to garden. Well more like manual labor. They had the kids remove the weeds. I didn't question the activity but I had my doubts. Also there was another helper and he was fukkin scary. He had tattoos all over his body and when the kids did something he would yell at them. He didn't talk 2 me at all which was fine with me. After clinicals I was planning on going home to change but I got lost yet again. I went in the opposite direction from where I was supposed to go. I ended up around a bunch of farms. By the time I found the Loop 101, I was extremely pissed at Ms. Smith for sending me to Boon Country. The whole car trip back I was yelling at people and cutting off people. I made it to school in time but I was still angry so I was pretty quiet with everyone. School didn't make it help. After school I dropped off Frank then went to BK to have lunch then picked up Barbie. I have to study for math, write an essay, buy rabbit supplies, and go back and make sure that I make it on time 2morrow.

Just got back from church and felt like I wanted to write a couple stuff down. First there was this cute little kid that kept scratching my back. 2nd there was a couple there that just celebrated their 25th anniversary. It's really sweet how their relationship could last so long. That's the type of marriage I want, I don't want to divorce and one day I want to celebrate my 25th aniversary.

There's some stuff that I want to do in Dec and here it is so that I can come back to it and remember what I want to do

- watch 2 Week Notice and/or Maid In Manhattan
- watch either the nutcracker or snow white at the herberger or some other good theatre
- visit the Glendale lights thing
- buy stuff for fam and Capt. Mallow
- somehow get funds to do the above

Song Of The Day - Michelle Branch - Something To Sleep To
Currently Feeling - Good

Well last nite was my kickback nite with a couple of my friends. Almost like a guys night so pretty much watch Windtalkers while crackin dirty jokes but it was a fun time by all. I left a little early so that I could feed Bun Bun at 10:30 at night. It was hard to find him but I did and fed it it's cookie. Then when I got home my mom made me pick up my little sis. Got some burgers for my sis then went home.

I'm pretty swamped 2day here is what I've gotta do 2day.

Get supplies for Mal Mal
Clean his cage
do homework
go to church
eat dinner with Adam at Burger king which is now a tradition
go to the clinical site

Random Things....

Well now that we are in the jolliest month of the year I'm pretty excited. Only good can come out of Dec. ..

The Michelle Branch CD is pretty good, I was expecting to just listen to 2 songs but there are a decent amount of songs that I like