The Truth Comes Out Finally

Song Of The Day - Tupac and Nas - Thugz Mansion (Acoustic)
Currently Feeling - Great

Well I knew it had to happen sooner or later. I knew that I would mess up eventually, and I did last nite. Tawni called last nite and we talked for a while. I sent her my blog (with edits) thru the e-mail since I knew that she wasn't gonna come to school today. Anyways that's where I had one mistake, cuz I then realized that all she had to do was change the font to something more readable. The second mistake was that I brought it up. heh yeah I hesitated and messed up. Anyways she started changing it and reading it where eventually she came upon the line that gave it my big "secret". She reasurred me that nothing would change between us being good friends and that I mean a lot to her. That really meant a lot to me. Anyways I gave her complete access to my blog since now she knows everything else. I talked to her and it was really funny just going thru some of my archives with her. Then we just talked about how the old times and how things would have been different if I would have dropped or stopped talking to her. Actually I'm amazed at some of the stuff that would have changed that even I didn't think of. I guess I brought Amber and Tawni together so they wouldn't have been as good as friends as they have become. Also since her and Amber wouldn't have been close, then Paul wouldn't have ended up with her.....heh I never did think of it. Anyways it turned out I was wrong about thinking that things would become weird cuz she told me that it wouldn't change anything. I feel completely relieved now that she knows and I can now think better cuz of it.

Today was pretty good, I got an extra spring in my step (been a while). I turned in my NHS form, and did a real good job on my math test. Today I'm gonna hang out for a little bit, maybe hang out with jason, then if Frank can find a party then I'll go to that. I'm the designated driver for the nite. Well peace out y'all

Random Things....

I realized how slow this page takes to load so I'm changing the template yet again. . ...

Well I just got home from Cousin's with Jason. Stephanie wanted me to go today but unfortunately Tawni left work cuz she wasn't feeling well. We talked to Steph for a while about a lot of stuff including my frequent trips to cousins...lol....anyways while in the car Jason was thinking about asking Stephanie to prom. That' would be pretty cool since both of them are really cool and they have a lot of the same interests.

The Difference Inside Me

Song Of The Day - Student Rick - Hidaway
Currently Feeling - Different Type Of Happy

Something is different in me, I dunno maybe it's been this weird week, maybe the weather or something but I feel different. Well I dunno since she's been sick I've gotten a chance to talk to her over the phone a lot. I dunno I guess something that has scared me more than anything else, or something that would hurt me deepest is if we lost our friendship or we grew apart. Well I dunno when talking to her I could sense that are friendship hasn't really dissegrated as I thought it would have. If anything it is a pretty strong friendship. For me that's pretty weird cuz I did fall pretty hard and everytime I saw them together it felt like a dagger to me yet I kept strong and I still remained. that's something I've never done before. I just feel that I can tell her anything (well except for the "secret") and if she ever needed help I will always be there to help. I'm still not over her but I think I'm starting to come around, and I'm very content remaining friends even if it meant bowing down to my feelings. So if Paul breaks up with her and does anything that Ian or Michael have done to her then I'll personally make sure he'll regret doing it. For me the future in terms of finding someone is very murky and I guess only time will be able to clear things up.

Random Things.....
I killed Adrian in NBA Live.......I'm the champ.....

Adam and me had to choose if we wanted Frank or Jason to come watch Cradle to the Grave since they worked on opposite days......I think we chose Frank

Coming out of the parking lot today I did something that surprised both Frank and me, I actually let Paul cut in line getting out...I know it may seem trivial but it justs shows how I'm starting to change.....this does not mean I'm gonna start acting cool and hanging with him, I guess it just means I'll give him his respect.....

I'm a little angry with my mom (not really anymore) but like whenever she asks me to drive her somewhere, she says she'll only take a few minutes but ends up taking a long time. It made me a little angry but I'm over it........

Another Ordinary Day

Song Of The Day - The Ataris - In The Diary
Currently Feeling - Empty

hmmmm school was pretty ordinary considering the rain. NOw that I think about it nothing out of the ordinary happened, or is worth mentioning. oh wait everyone is getting the flu bug. I opted not to do anything afterschool cuz I'm not feeling well (still sick from the weekend). Instead i got my sis an icee and just played some games and took a nap. It's only halfway thru the week too. Damn this week is going by way too slow. On the plus side I can say goodbye to February and not have to worry about Valentines day to get me down for another year (maybe by then I'll find someone). It's been a really boring day so I'll end it there cuz i think I have something to do but I don't know what yet.

Random Things.....

Since Tawni hasn't been in class twice this week, this girl sits next to me during notes. She's always writing my name on my paper and playing with my keys. I don't really know her, but it's weird cuz it's was awkward that she wrote my name on my paper which is Tawni's job.

Where is My Breakfast?

Song Of The Day - The Ataris - My Reply
Currently Feeling - Unknown

Well I got a late start to school this morning so the plan was to sleep in then eat breakfast with Jason, Frank, and Adam at IHOP. Of course when I called him he was still sleeping so we were late getting to IHOP. It turned out that all the old peeps beat us to there so we had to go elsewhere. We tried going to village inn but that was also crowded. So finally we ended up going to Einstein's bagels. It was alright but not really filling. Anyways it's raining pretty good. So school was alright though it seemed a little weird since it was late and it was raining. In Bio Tawni came back but the bad thing is that if she doesn't do well on the next test then she'll drop. :( After school I just dropped off Frank then went home since I didn't have to pick up Barbie. hmmm....I don't know if I'm gonna do anything today since I have a bunch of stuff I have to do like the NHS form, poetry, math.

Random Things....

I"m really i get so confused on her sometimes, I just don't know where I am or what I'm gonna do, or what can I do

Here's one of my poems although this is a real rough draft of it. I want to get it to 20 lines and this is probably the one that i will read to the class. You should all know who this is about. Oh yeah if it sounds a little off, I'm not used to using poetry that doesn't rhyme that much. So please bare with.

The Person
By James

No longer the person I once was
I look back to the past before her
The person I used to be I no longer recognize
The person I was a few months ago
Feels like an eternity
No heartache, no depression, no second guesses in my mind
I thought with a clear head, not a cloud there to find
But that was then and this is now
My mind has been turned into a labyrinth
One path leads to another, then another back to square one
Every night I sleep confused and wondering
Why am I the person I am now and not my former self?
She has become an unattainable treasure
A dream that can never come to be
But I cannot find the heart to move on
Although I don’t have the strength to take the punishment
Yet with all my problems and questions that stem from her
I would rather still have met her and be miserable
Then return to the old ways not knowing who she was

Sing Alongs And Endless Driving

Song Of The Day - The Ataris - Unopened Letters To The World
Currently Feeling - Irritated

Hmm....this day started out bad, started becoming good, turned a little worse, got a little better, then got a little worse. So I guess I'm waiting for that something good to complete my day. Hmm...I woke up late this morning so I had to rush like no other. It was alright though cuz I sped like a bitch and got there with plenty of time to spare. I'm talking to Troy and a couple of his friends when I hear that Paul had run over a girl. Luckily she didn't die or anything but I heard she got all scraped up. As soon as Paul saw she wasn't killed he drove off, then later pulled over to see if he dented the car. I don't know if it all happened the way it did but if it did that is really fucked up and he should have probably still gave her a ride home or at least called her parents. Anyways in english we talked about wrestling with Jeff, Adam, Mike, Adrian. lol it was pretty funny talking about the good ole days. Then in marketing, usually a really boring class, was alright since we got to talk alot. I told Adrian that I would challenge him but I ended up not (get to that later). I realize that my wallet is at home so I plan to go home. In Bio Tawni wasn't there so Ashby had his fare share of comments. It seemed a little quiet but me and Jeff started singing All-4-one - So Much In Love. We also talked about how it would be a good idea for me to sing it to her...but it won't happen.... At lunch Jeff convinced me that I wouldn't get a ticket so instead I went to his house for lunch. Oh yeah by the way I got an 83 on my bio test. Not bad considering I didn't sleep that nite. Anyways afterschool my mom calls and tells me that I don't have to pick up Barbie. I come home to kick it for a little bit then go to Adrians. Unfortunately my mom calls again and asks me if I can drive her somewhere to pick up something. So I figure that I'm just gonna go to the nursing home and do some moving....nope instead I go to 35th to go pick up some woman then go to Cave Creek to help move some stuff. Ok so 2 hrs out of my life no big deal. I get home and put the stuff where it needs to be but then my moms says I have to make yet another trip. So I just got home, clocking in a good amount of driving and manual labor. I guess I'm alright about it since it's my mom. I'm just a little irritated. Now that I've got that off my chest tomorrow I don't have to go to school til 10:55 so the plan is to go to ihop or denny's and get some brunch with Jason, Adam, and Frank.

Random Things....
Oh my gosh so many times today I could have gotten a ticket. I made so many illegal manuvers on the road but it wasn't my fault cuz my mom and the lady didn't have a clue where they were going. They would tell me left then right, so I kept having to switch lanes. Luckily no popo around so it's all good.

Jeff and Christie barely talk anymore. That's something that I hope would never happen with me and Tawni. Just kinda makes u look at the bright spots and what you have to be thankful for.

Damn Ataris put in dummy files so that it annoys the hell out of people.


Your Heart is Blue


What Color is Your Heart?
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congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud


which happy bunny are you?
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You're "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain.
You're a crying shoulder and a love suicide.
Luckily, though, you'll be better when you're
older, and the greatest fan of someone's life.


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The Children's Center and The Feelings That Won't Go Away

Song Of The Day - Rufio - Set It Off
Currently Feeling - Lost

yup last nite I did absolutely nothing but slept. I was sooo tired I had like no energy so I just slept and stayed in the house most of the time. This morning I overslept and I had to run to Fazzoli's to get my sis lunch, then I had to go to shell to refill her gas and go thru the car wash. I met her up at church and then I switched vehicles to the MDX so that I could go to the child crisis center with Pat. Pat is really weird but I guess he's alright. Anyways the child crisis center is something I'd be interested in spending more time at. It was pretty sad hearing about their abusive pasts. I want to try and help out at least once a month without the church. There were also the two pretty cute girls who go to my church were there. One was a girl name Regina, I've talked to her before and seems really sweet and down to earth person (what I'm looking for) then there is this other girl, I haven't really talked to her but she's really cute. The only problem is that I'm still not ready to move on. I still like her and still can't find a way to change that. I can't bring myself to tell her yet and I don't know if I ever will. I guess the main problem I've had is that I can't get her alone outside of school in person, and when I do get her alone I convince myself that it isn't right telling her. The only possible up side to all of this is that I have a poetry assignment coming up where I have to write 100 lines of poetry. The first poem I'm planning on it being about how I can't make up my mind about her, the 2nd will be something about trust. My plan is that I'll just read my archive and try and get inspired to write poetry about it. If any turn out any good I'll post it up. I don't know what I have planned for today since it's half gone. I'll probably just go out and eat.

Random Things.....

I'm burning the 50 cent cd, reburning finch, the new ataris.....

The new rufio songs from their EP are really good.....

Here's the last part of the song of the day.......

"Falling For You"

i’m falling for you
i’m falling for you
i fell for you

i’m dying to explain my heart
to you now
i’m dying to explain my heart
to you now
there’s so much on my mind it’s tearing me apart
there’s so much on my mind it’s tearing me apart
i’m falling for you
i’m falling for you
i fell for you

Reclaiming Of The Throne

Song Of The Day - Student Rick - Falling For You
Currently Feeling - Uncertain

hmm I ended not being able to go to sleep. I was just about to zone out to a dream when my phone rings. Jason had called and wanted me to hang out for a little bit before he was gonna go to the concert. I really didn't want to but since I've haven't hung out with him in a while I decided to go. We just talked in his backyard mainly about Prom. To summarize it up he wanted me to ask someone to go. He gave me a couple of options to which I said no. I don't really think I will go to prom mainly cuz I don't really want to ask anyone. After a little bit we called up Frank and Adam to go to Cousin's. We picked em up and went, Tawni was working but hardly saw her, I think she was sleeping in the back or that she was feeling down. Anyways her manager showed me the mug that they gave her that said "Ilovefeet".....pretty funny. After eating I dropped off Jason and Frank (they were gonna go to the concert). I dont' think Frank wanted to come, he seemed kinda hesitant, I felt bad for him. We went back to Adam's house and played Madden for most of the nite. I regained the throne of Madden (I lost once because I felt bad for Adam). We went to get some taco bell then went and kicked it at Long's for a little bit.

This afternoon I ate lunch with my sis' at Red Robin....that place is pretty good though expensive....I dropped off Barbie at her friends then went to Jeff's. I hung out with him for a while then dropped by Jamba Juice to pick up a Orange drink for Jeff since he didn't want to go inside. We picked up his bro then Circuit city. Now I'm home just chillin. I think I'm just gonna take a nap and wait for someone to call for me to do something. I just don't feel like making plans 2nite.

Random Things....

I'm still a little worried that Tawni will find out that I like her (if she doesn't already know). Even if she did decipher it, I don't know if she would tell me.

I'm curious if Paul knows about my blog.......

The "font" error

Song Of The Day - Air Supply- All By Myself
Currently Feeling - Sleepy

Ahh yes....the font error. Well as some of you know I print out my blog for Tawni since she can't read this site without my permission. Anyways she has most of my blog on paper all edited with times New Roman G2 font to protect my "secret". Anyways either she's smarter than even I thought or she looks and observes the font real close but she was able to decipher a paragraph since I accidently forgot to reedit her name. I had to chase her all around class but I couldn't get it. She finally gave it to me but she did say that she has all my other blogs and she's sure she can find out more about it what I'm hiding....lol damn bio I got no sleep, usually I would catch those errors. Hopefully she has a life this weekend so she forgets to decipher it.

Hmm...2 tests today I think I did ok on both........

Don't know what I'm doing today, I'm gonna take a nap (hence my short blog), then I said I would do something with Jason since I haven't done anything with him in the longest time. Oh yeah I gotta visit Cousins' today...........

I'm soooooo fucking Tired............damn BIO

Happy Birthday Mommy!!!!!

Song Of The Day - Stevie Wonder - I Just Called To Say I Love You
Currently Feeling - Gloomy

hmmm....today was a weird day. Today was my mom's b-day, a surprise visit from Marianne, and the gloomy day it has seemed to be. I'll start from the bottom up I guess. well Jeff was really down since the death of his uncle. I don't really know what to do to cheer him up but I'm trying to think of something cuz when I was feeling down he was right there to get me to feel better. Anyways i was actually feeling pretty ok about myself until towards the end of AP Bio. I don't know why but I could probably take a pretty good guess...heh.....well anyways at lunch I went to get some purty flowers for my moms birthday. She wasn't home so I set it up along with my card real nice. I would have gone all out but yeah money was an issue (I'm now broke again). After school I took Barbie to Super Wal Mart so she could get a gift for my mom. We came back and we found out Marianne was gonna pay a visit. So I started studying a little by reading my bio book but next thing I know I'm passed out sleeping on my book. I wake up and do more studying and then we go to PF Changs for dinner. Pretty nice place, you could see a couple people brought their dates there. Food was pretty good I'd say. Now I'm home taking a break from Bio.

Random Things.....

Marianne is back so I'm gonna drive the Volvo to school tomorrow for ole times sake.....

hmmm....I should pay a visit to the italian festival.....

I don't know if I should read Tawni's blog, I mean she said that she felt a little awkward now that I can read it and I don't want her to have to not write stuff cuz I can read it.....
(For Tawni who should be getting this print out tomorrow....MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!!!!!!!!!.................PISTACHIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS...........)

I've got to write 100 lines of poetry for english.....I have an idea for one as you should all know what (or who) it'll be about......

My feeling on her are a lot cloudier than before........I know I still like her, I know she likes him, I know they aren't gonna break up any time soon, I really need to get it off my chest, I can't pull myself to do it for fear that she may think I was breaking her trust, I know I need to move on....just a little conflicted

James....the actor?????

Song Of The Day - Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting For You
Currently Feeling - Awkwardly pretty Good

just got home a little bit ago, and I hung out with different peeps then I normally do. hmmm....I don't know if anything interesting happened in school....nope...I was in a pretty good mood for some strange reason though. Adam had to pick me up to school and drop me off. Then I went with my dad to get the trooper. I picked up my sis then got a call from Alex about this film he's making. I said sure why not and I was off. (1st a little note about Alex, he's pretty cool although a little weird. He's got aspirations to become a movie director). I went over and so were Mark and Tommy. They showed me what they had so far and introduced me to my role. An asian triad leader who kills some people for who knows what reason......It was pretty interesting and funny though. I called up Moses so he could play one of my henchmans......I did that for a couple hrs then I went and hung out with Moses and got some dinner at Hungry Howie's.....That place is real good I must say.....hmmm I then dropped off Moses and got my mom a card for her birthday.....My plan is after school tomorrow I'm gonna buy a bouquet of flowers. I feel bad that I can't get her something better but I have no money anymore. Hmm...I gotta do some studying then reclaim my throne at Madden (Adam beat me cuz I got greedy and went for the 2-point conversion).

Random Things......

I finally got Tawni's blog address. I'll put it up on the links but for now here it is In The Tissue

While still on Tawni I have to say that I'm still confused as ever and everyone's advice I can't seem to make my mind on it. So my plan is that I'll just ask her for an opinion (without really telling her).....

As of right now I have straight A's....lol yup. ....

You know what, I have a strange feeling that I want to go to Chuck E. Cheese...I gotta go this weekend.

I lost my undefeated streak in AZ at Madden....

My deepest condolences to my friend Jeff whose Uncle passed away.......

The Confusing Gets Even More Confusing

Song Of The Day - Kansas - Dust In The Wind
Currently Feeling - Confused

Well today was supposed to be the start of a new stage in my life but as expected I knew it wasn't going to be as clean cut as I was hoping it was. Well first I'll go thru my day yeah....Adam drove me to school since the Trooper is out getting serviced. Adam cuts off a guy and in return the guy honks his horn and gives us the finger. 2 Big rednecks i don't think I could fight them both by myself. English paper from last week I got a fuckin C!!!!! Yeah I think there goes my A in that class. I gotta make my essay for tomorrow top notch. In Marketing I'm barely holding on to an A, that class should be easy but I keep fuckin around in the class. Now this is where it gets confusing....Ok well today I was seeing how I was gonna react I mean I said all that stuff about moving on but it's easy when you don't have to look at the person. Well yeah the feelings wouldn't go down so it's was hard. I wasn't feeling down though (well that bad). Anyways I think she's trying to protect my feelings cuz I've tried to ask her again about her weekend and in particular Valentine's Day but she always seems to dodge the question. hmmm....she's does it really well I guess she learnt from the best. Anyways it was also kinda weird how Ashby made Paul move to a different desk, seemed a little awkward. Then at the end of class me and Jeff were talking to Ashby if he knew the song Kansas-Dust in the Wind. He did and we talked about how I was listening to it all week. He brought up his talk to me last week and I told him I took it to heart when he said for me not to wear my heart on my sleeve. He then said that he learned a couple of things this weekend and he said he takes back what he said. He said I should fight for her and not to give up........hmmm that really confused me cuz I took in what he said becuz he really had a subjective view on the subject but obviously his V-Day didn't go well either. But the thing I found funny was that he said that if there was anything he could do to help out just to let him know. hmmm.....so now Ashby and Christie are a team to get us together......hmm anyways in math I think i fucked up on my test but oh well. Afterschool I went with Adam to his house and I helped his with his college algebra and ate some of his food. Now I'm just taking a break from my homework.

Random Things.....

Don't forget about the shoutbox. I'd like to know what you peeps have to say about my life.....

My blog got into the main blogger page so I instantly got like 25 hits......

Do ya all like my new layout......

Chapter 2: A New Start

hmmm....well did some remodeling and came up with a title for the next chapter in my life. I guess if I could come up with a title for Chapter 1 I would call it " A New Friend" or "The What-If's In Life". Anyways no real new updates except I just found out Google bought out Blogger. I don't know what this means for me but I guess we'll all find out. If you want to read the news click here. ANyways I've added a chatbox instead of the comment box

This is the end of Chapter 1

Song Of The Day - Lauyrn Hill - Can't Take My Eyes Off You
Currently Feeling - OK



Sorry about not writing in a couple days, as many of you already know it hasn't been the greatest weekend for me and right now it's not the best but I'm starting to feel better. I'm glad to know I've got a good group of friends who will always get my back if I feel out of it and I'm always willing to do the same for them if they ever need it. Everyone did a part even if it was just a little or for just what they knew so thanx for ur help. Anyways I generally have the same decision from a little bit ago that in terms of trying to do anything or even thinking about doing anything right now is over. I'm not saying I'm over her cuz that would just make me look stupid cuz everyone reading this and even people who just know the situation know that that isn't true. I'm just saying that I'm gonna not try and string my affection hoping that she'll return it. This does not mean that I'm gonna try and cut her life but actually it may be the exact opposite. I still think that she's a special person and that if anything I want to know more about her cuz she's a very interesting person and one of my close friends. As for me, I'll try to go to being the person I was before Dec. I'll take one step at a time to the road to recovery. I'll let life flow and wherever it lands me I will follow it. If it leads me back to her then that's where I go, if it lands me elsewhere I know my mistakes and realized my weaknesses and won't let them repeat itself. So with all of this said I guess you could call this the end of the chapter and maybe the start of a new chapter

Kansas
Dust in the wind

I close my eyes
only for a moment
and the moment is gone

All my dreams
pass before my eyes
a curiosity
(Chorus)
Dust in the wind
all they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
just a drop of water
in an endless sea
All we do
crumbles to the ground
though we refuse to see
(Chorus)
Dust in the wind
all we are is dust in the wind
oh oh oh

Now don't hang on
nothing last forever
but the earth and sky
it slips away
and all your money
won't another minute buy

(Chorus)
Dust in the wind
(bis)
everything is dust in the wind
everything is dust in the wind
uuuh oooh uuh ooh

Just got back from driving around with my friend. He tried his best to cheer me up but it didn't work. I'm still where I am right now emotionally. I've tired everything that usually cheers me up but nothing worked. This is rock bottom where I am, I'm only here physically but I feel like my spirit has been killed off. Even writing in this blog is not having an effect. In fact it probably has the opposite effect on me making me worse off than I am. I may take a break from my blog depending on how I feel. So I'll end it there....oh but one other thing.....Ashby does know about it, Christie told him...oh yeah I heard this song by Kansas- Dust in the Wind...everytime I hear the song I feel like crying....

no song of the day no currently feeling, I really just wanna get to my point and end it there. I did do the chocolate covered chocolates but my reasoning was no longer there. Anyways as many of you know I've felt like shit not being sick but just emotionally. My heart I really don't know where it is and neither do I know where my head is. but i know emotionally i've hit the peak where I really can't take any more emotional punishment. I've really been depressed and I know that it's not good for me to continue like I have been doing lately. I really at a dead end right now and I'm really lost because I really believed that it would end up differently then it has but it's all gone. The only thing i can do is just remain good friends but it's clear that maybe it's just not meant to be. my teacher Mr. Ashby actually gave me some good advice that i will take to heart...."if you wear your heart on your sleeve then you will get burned"....I'm serious when I say this to everyone reading this, i can't bare anymore heartache, it's over no more trying, no convincing otherwise....it's done

Song Of The Day - Shania Twain - You've Got A Way
Currently Feeling - ??????
1 Day Til Valentines Day


Blues are some of the most loving, nurturing and
supportive personalities. They live from their
heart and emotions. Their purpose for being on
the planet is to give love, to teach love and
to learn that they are loved. Their priorities
are love, relationships, and spirituality.


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Tomorrow is the fabled, and very scary Valentine's Day. For me I dunno i'm not gonna be lookin forward to it. I'm probably just going to see a movie and kick it at my friends. That's how I'm dealing with things while on the other end of the stick, my friend plans on blowing up shit. heh I guess we deal with things differently with others. Yeah I'm gonna go thru with the whole C.C.S. thing but it only has a friendship meaning to it. On the other hand telling her how I feel is out, I don't think it's right and I can't budge myself to do it. It was hard enough trying to convince myself that the whole C.C.S thing was alright. I guess I'll have to live with my feelings which really sucks but oh well really there's not much I can do.

In AZ right now it's raining pretty good. It seemed gloomy but I like the rain (now that I don't have to clean the volvo). I had to write two essays today which sucked. On the bet with Moses I'm losing on both of them (actually tied with one of them). In math it's me 91% and him 92% and in history it's Tawni 102% and Moses 102%. I have a weird feeling that at the end of the year I'll be short $20...lol.....

Afterschool I got Frank then dropped by my house to switch cars then went to Adams and ate at Wendy's. We then went to Adam's and chilled there and talked to his sis for a little bit......

Random Things.....

My dad's in Tucson right now picked up Marianne.......

Last day driving the volvo, back to the newly revamped MDX.........

I'm never gonna find her blog im close I can feel it though......

My friend Amber finally updated her blog......

The rain really makes someone think especially when listening to a slow jam ( I was listening to Nora Jones)......

I really hope there isn't a misunderstanding in the whole C.C.S.....well actually it's a little unfair since even I don't know what I mean with it....lol I'm suck a retard sometimes.......

Only Jeff, Christie, and Alicia know bout it. I just asked them if it sounded really stupid but thought it was a really nice thing I'm doing so if it fucks me up I'll take it out on them.....

My plan was to launch my photo album but I can't seem to find my digital camera.......

I got a haircut...yeah....

Song Of The Day - N'Sync - Selfish
Currently Feeling - Bad
2 Days Til Valentines Day

I'm gonna guess that tomorrow isn't going to be good for me. Today didn't seem quite right. I've got a couple of shit to do that isn't due for a little bit so I've procrastinated on all of it. Not to mention it seemed gloomy overall. In marketing my friend called the teacher a wangsta....heh what an idiot the teacher heard him and started bitchin at him. In Bio we got our multiple choice back. I did pretty well but Tawni didn't fare too well. She was talking about dropping the class again. I don't know if she will but I would feel bad if she got a bad grade and I've sortof kept her from dropping the class. In math I felt the negative vibes from last week come back again. Let's just say I felt like i did last week. I ditched class about 10 minutes early then dropped off Frank, picked up my sis and took a long deserved nap. Tomorrow school is short so i'll probably just eat out and shit. Moses friend quit his job at the club so i have to try my other friend. If that falls through I'll probably go see a movie. I'm still thinking about doing the whole chocolate covered straberries which will now be dubbed C.C.S. to shorten it. I still feel real bad that she isn't doing anything for V-day. I'm surprised that Paul didn't plan anything. She isn't crying over it or anything like but you can tell she's a little dissapointed. Well that's all I can really think of saying so that's the end

Song Of The Day - N'sync - Something In You
Currently Feeling - Worse (OK)
3 Days Til Valentines Day

I'm getting worse but at least I held up until today so that it wouldn't fuck up my tests. Anyways I don't know if I'm gonna tell her, I guess only time will tell. The other thing is that today I accidently mentioned that Ian said something to me. I didn't mention it last week cuz I didn't want to put it up. but anyways I was talking to him then Amber walked passed us and he said that he hated her. I told him that I'm cool with her and then he said that she's friends with Tawni. Then I didn't say anything, but he said I guess Tawni's a nice person and all James but.....nah fuck it I'm not even gonna bother writing it in my blog. Let's just say he tried to appeal to me a different way than he normally does. Anyways let's just say that I'm in a sappy mood cuz of the V-day so it's led me to do a bunch of thinking and dumb ideas that will never come to see the light of day.

I guess I'll recap my day first. hmmm we had to do presentations in english and I made the script which came out pretty sick. hmmmm....marketing test.....finished bio test.....went home for lunch.....I went to an NHS meeting afterschool, it's gonna be pretty damn hard to get into it. I went with Adam, Zach, and met up with Amber. After the meeting I just caught up a little with Amber then picked up my sis. Now I home just chillin, I'm probably gonna sleep after this......

Random Things.....

Paul didn't have anything planned for V-day so Tawni took up a work day instead so I'll visit her though I'm probably going to be as down as ever that day. Adam is gonna try to get us into the strip club over the weekend.

I'm not gonna rip on him for making plans since i don't know if he was busy or anything but if he just didn't plan anything I think that's pretty fucked up of him. Anywho randomly things came up on my head for ideas that Paul could do or even myself (thought I'm not gonna do it cuz of my fuckin conscience). When I talked to her about it she seemed kind of down that he didn't have anything planned.

- chocolates are kinda old but I know that she really likes chocolate covered strawberries so u could bring her in some of those during her work or even afterwards....u could just make it urself......

- I don't know if it could work but after they close up u could lite up candles and just chill and eat subs......

- or you just really just eat dinner and then just chill and watch some romantic movies.....

Those were some of my ideas but yeah......I've just realized how sappy I'm or have become.

I've finished my slow jamz VII here's the track list:

Nora Jones - Don't Know Why
N'Sync - Selfish
Tyrese - How You Gonna Act Like That
Sixpense None The Richer - Don't Dream It's Over
Edwin McCain - I'll Be
N'Sync - Gone
Musiq - Don't Change
Avril - I'm With You
N'Sync - Something Like You
Student Rick - Meet You Halfway There
Keith Sweat - Twisted
Shania Twain - You've Got A Way
Common - Come Close To Me
B2K - Baby Girl
Boyz II Men - On Bended Knee
Bryan Mcknight - Back At One
Rome - I Belong To You
Amanda Perez - Never

*new*
I just got back from Cousins (yup that's three times). This time I went with Jeff. Before we went we talked for a little bit. He thinks that I should go get her the chocolate covered stawberries just as friends.....yeah we sang along to "more than words" on the way over there...lol pretty funny shit. So I guess the next time I go to Cousin's will probably be Fri

Song Of The Day - Nora Jones - Don't Know Why
Currently Feeling - Getting Worse again
4 days til Valentines Day

hmmm....it's starting up again, I thought it would last at least a month but I can feel the bad feelings. I've been trying to fight it til at least tomorrow which is after the test and that's as long as I think I can hold it. Maybe telling her the truth is the only option left but if it comes to that I'll wait til after Valentines day. That's all that I'm gonna write about it for the time being cuz I don't want to get worse.

Anywho my day.......In english we have to do the whole presentation on the crucible. I actually found the play quite interesting but the activities were doing I'm not very fond of. Katie has been trying real hard to get out of her part but I told her no. It's pretty funny that she's so hesitant not to be in the play. In marketing we fucked up on our presentation cuz we did the wrong thing so we got 0 points. Fortunately it was only out of 10. Then Bio....that test was pretty hard. We didn't finish it so were gonna finish it tomorrow. I'm gonna go over the questions that I didn't know. I don't know if I was hearing things but I could have sworn I heard Ashby calling Tawni and me lovebirds...heh Ashby always with his cheap shots, I hope he doesn't forget that I some dirt on him but I doubt I can use it without getting in trouble. My dad called me out during the middle of the test so that he could bring the volvo to service. So i drove the trooper. Hmm...afterschool I just picked up my lil sis then went to Christie's house to give her the script but wasn't home so I went to Jeff's so we could drive to Kinko's to photocopy something. We then went to Jamba Juice so that I could talk to Christie. On the ride home we talked about what's wrong with me. On the way to his house I saw a dog's decapitated head in the middle of the street. It was quite sad, I actually thought it was just a bag so I wasn't gonna move but I decided to anyways. Anyways I got a lot of homework to do so I'll talk to u later.

Song Of The Day - Toni Braxton - Unbreak My Heart
Currently Feeling - Good

I had a pretty fun time last nite with my friends. Jason called up and was gonna get some birthday gifts for his mom so I called up Frank and we went to the new Wal-Mart supercenter and the mall. There was so much hearts, teddy bears, chocolate hearts, etc it really sucked. My friend was trying to keep me away from seeing the valentine's aisle so that I wouldn't get all fucked up again so soon. We then decided whether to eat at Cousins or IN-N-Out but I think Tawni already got off work so we decided to go to in-n-out. We went back to Frank's and watched the BMWfilms and the animatrix. Both are really sick so you should d/l them. Anyways I had to drop off my sis and auntie at church so I had Frank and Jason take me home, then they were gonna go to Deer Valley to get tickets to the sneak preview of Old Skool. I met up with them back after church and we had to get there fast but no worries cuz we were in the volvo. Halfway there I was racing this guy in an A4 and beat him going 100 mph which was pretty cool. It didn't beat me going 130 mph off the off-ramp to catch up with Paul, that was crazy. Jason's still pissed that I didn't invite him. Anyways the movie was so funny. Will Farrell is the funny mofo ever. I recommend seeing it, cuz it's crazy. After that we went to Desert Ridge to take in the atmosphere for a little bit then headed back to AppleBees to get some dinner. The riblets are good but they give u so much that we couldn't eat them all. We talked about a couple things, we talked about Adam and him being too frugal. I was actually trying to cover for him cuz I don't know if he's flat out of cash. There seems to be a little rift lying between Jason and Adam. Fri when I tried to get Jason to come but he couldnt' because of his soccer game. I told Adam I felt bad and Adam was like I'm not. Then last nite Jason was asking me what's Adam's problem and why does he like to hang out a lot. Hopefully it doesn't escalate. Also Jeff called and after that we talked about him for a while. I dunno Jeff does act like an asshole to a lot of peeps (similar to Ian) but also like Ian as long as he doesn't make fun of the wrong people then I'll let him say what he wants. Just as long as he doesn't say anything about any of my friends. Also there was this cute girl sitting below us. I glanced over from time to time, and I saw her glance over but I didn't do anything cuz she was with a couple of her friends and yeah I got intimidated. Yeah I'm a pussy sometimes but that's alright. Right as we left 10 cheerleaders came in, we were pissed. They were cute too, I'll just chalk it up to bad timing. When we were driving home we talked about myself. Frank said Paul seems a little obsessive and thinks he doesn't trust me or like me for that matter. heh he's probably right since I've talked to him maybe 3 times. Jason also told me to stay away from any confrontations with him. It would just make me look bad. So I dropped them off then went to sleep and that was my nite.

Today all I have planned is AP Bio studying. Maybe Cousin's if I have money. Oh yeah I've spent so much money last week about $120 and the worst part is I don't remember what I spent it on.

Song Of The Day - LL Cool J - Paradise
Currently Feeling - Good

Well I know that most people will disagree with what I decided to do (or rather what not to do) but I decided that instead of telling her how I feel I ended up just trying to rebottle my feelings which is a temporary solution to my problem but a solution none the less. I know that I can't last this way but I will try to soak up as much time as possible.

Hmm....yesterday was an interesting day. I woke up late for class so I got some breakfast and went to class. We had a vietnamese lady for a sub and she could barely speak english. It was pretty damn funny. I ate lunch with Ian and Wes to see what was up with them. Afterschool I had to go to the library to get a stupid book then we went back to his house to watch Hardball. That movie is so funny but sooooo sad. Damn life just isn't fair sometimes....:( Anyways Adam's plans were to go to the strip club but that fell through cuz he couldn't get a hold of Moses (he said he was going to the damn Chocolate Festival). So instead we gathered up Frank and watched Shanghai Knights which was a pretty funny movie. Not a thinker but good none the less.

hmm....I don't really know what I'm gonna be doing....I was supposed to go to Adrian's to finally beat him in live but his parents are getting a divorce so I dunno what's up with that. I may go to Cousins with Frank to get a sub from Tawni but I don't know whether were gonna go 2day or tomorrow. So I'll just chill and someone will call sooner or later and I'll go do something.

Song Of The Day - Mr. Cheeks - Crush On You
Currently Feeling - A Little Better but still far off from OK

Last nite I came to a conclusion with Jeff about what I can do to make myself act normal. There is no other alternative except to tell her. I'm deciding to whether or not it's the best thing to do right now. I've heard both arguments from everyone over the course of a month or two. I already gave you most of the reasons why I shouldn't yesterday so I guess the reasons why I should do it is because it'll relieve me of my pressure. I can finally be completely honest with her. I'm not going to put because she may feel the same way cuz I know she doesn't. I think that covers my reasons for it. I don't know what I'm going to do now but I know sooner or later it'll come out bursting out like a volcano.

Another interesting point Jeff brought up was for us to go back to the old ways. Before Christie Jeff really didn't give a fuck about impressing anyone and I've known him a good time and I've never seen him act the way he does now. For me, I have forgotten about the old ways. I mean it seems like such a long time ago that I can barely remember how I acted before her.

Anyways my day has been pretty normal. I've been trying to do more school activities lately. I've gotten letters for NHS, Boys State, some math contest thing. hmm.....nothing really to write about today or at least I can't remember anything cuz I just woke up a couple minutes ago. So I guess i'll just end it there

Oh yeah I forgot, I'm probably goin to buy or rent (depending on funds) sweet home Alabama.

Song Of The Day - NOFX- I Want You To Want Me
Currently Feeling - Anger, Sadness, Bitterness,hopeless

I've tried everything to get me to feel better. I know what would make me feel better but I've decided that not telling her is the right choice because 1. she has a boyfriend already and even though I don't like him that would be some bullshit if I were to do that. 2. I don't know if things would become weird if I told her. I mean I don't think it would but I don't want to put her in an awkward situation like that. I know that she would not dump him for me, she's not the type of person to do that. 3. I don't want her to think that I'm good friends with her just cuz I like her. I wouldn't want her to lose trust in me if you know what I mean. Those three things are the reasons why I can't tell her how I feel even if I just told her that I like her and that is it.

I'm really writing this to make me feel better (last ditch effort) and also to clear my head. So I guess I should start from when I started feeling sad which was Sat. I had dinner with her, Amber, Paul, and Tara. I knew it would be a little awkward but I thought it would be more evened out since Amber was there. Anyways she left so it was just Paul, Tawni, Tara, and me. I've talked to Tara online but this was the first time I've really met her in person so I wasn't very talkative and also it's always different with Tawni when Paul's there (that's why I was so pissed when he became the TA). So we were just watching comedy stand up on tv and I could tell by their mannerisms and just by their little actions that I'm gonna have to accept that it's not going to end anytime soon. I always thought that the universe would end up in my favor but i could tell it wasn't going to this time. This was the first time I've ever really felt that between them and yeah it got me really depressed cuz I thought to myself where do I stand in all of this. I wasn't really sure on how to deal with it so I tried it all, kept busy, talk on the phone non stop, sleeping, hanging out with family, but none of it really had much effect. I knew that it was gonna be bad in February but I didn't think it was gonna be this bad. On Mon she wasn't here and it was a good thing cuz I was completely out of it. I wasn't alone though cuz Jeff was also feeling like shit. I thought that maybe if I could get him over it then i could figure out a way to get over my situation. I did figure out a way for Jeff to get better and that was to talk to Christie and get everything straight and off his chest. I thought to myself and I know that it would make me feel a lot better too cuz of the whole "keeping feelings bottled up sooner or later they will explode" but I can't do that. I'm so fuckin tempted to do it, I know it sounds selfish of me but it's all starting to get at me. My bottle is starting to explode after holding it all for such a long time. I feel angry at myself for never telling her how i felt. I feel bitter at Paul just cuz he's with her. I feel depressed cuz i realize that they're not going to break up any time soon. I feel upset that I've let my confidence slide and not being weak. I'm confused, lost, pissed. So i try to find ways to just move on but everything leads to a dead end. There's no one at school I really like or consider. My friends gonna help me try to get over it on Fri, I don't know what he has planned. I've tried to hide my feeling from people but the people who know me better know that I'm not myself right now. Everything is off a step, I've been more quiet, more withdrawn from people. Normally I would just do that for a couple days then I could manage to rebottle myself but there are no vacations coming up, in fact Valentine's day is coming up. If anyone can think of an alternate solution other than to tell her I would really appreciate it. So this is my condensed version of what's going on in my head lately. If I really wanted to I could write a couple more pages but I'm choosing to leave it at that. Sorry about the lack of normal posts but I haven't been in the mood to really blog about stuff.

Song Of The Day - Sixpence None The Richer - Don't Dream It's Over
Currently Feeling - Still Bad but a little better

Hmmmm......I still feel pretty bad though it's gotten a little better since yesterday. Tawni came back and tried to make me feel better which she did a little. Actually a lot of peeps have been trying to make me feel good lately. Adam wants me to do something out of the ordinary so I dunno what he has up his sleeve. Afterschool I went to the library with Adam to get a book for english. He almost got a ticket for going 50 in 35 mile zone so he was pretty lucky. After I got home I had to go pick up the MDX. I went home yet again took a little nap then got hungry so I went to Tawni's new work (Cousin's Subs) then went to Jeff's house to talk for a little bit. I went home and ate my sub then that's bout it.

Random Things.....

The MDX is back so I finally have all my cd's back including all 6 of my slow jams.....

Jeff said something that made me feel better about myself " You should feel better about yourself, I mean your still real good friends with her and that's something Paul can never take away. You'll always have that piece of her heart".......pretty nice quote coming from Jeff

hmmm....even Ashby tried to cheer me up. In class he was like "still down, I thought you'd feel better now that Tawni's here, I mean she already said that yes to prom. I'm sorry that I had to turn you down though" lol funny Ashby........ He then caught me in the hall and asked me if I was gonna feel better tomorrow. He asked me if it were girl problems and then he said that the solution is to string along more than one so in case one falls thru there will be the others......lol

No matter what Jeff and Christie say about each other I know there is still feelings between them. I know that Jeff still has feelings cuz we always talk about it. Christie I think still has feelings for him and that if she started talking and hanging out with him then those feelings will grow stronger and that's why she's been sort of avoiding him. I stick by my premonition that they'll hook up. I mean when I predicted Tawni and Ian last year it took half a year before it came true.

The whole "acceptance" is getting at me but I know I'm right in my assumption and that I will have to deal with the fact that I can't do anything and that I'm just hurting myself waiting for them to break up because I feel that they'll end up together for who knows how long and if they do break up it doesn't mean that it's my turn. She told me herself that if something bad happens in this relationship then she doesn't know what she's gonna do boyfriend wise.

Song Of The Day - Edwin McCain - I'll Be
Currently Feeling - Pretty Bad

Yeah today was a really gloomy day for a me and I guess it was overall a pretty gloomy/weird day too. Yeah it's really bad if the teacher can tell that somethings up with you. In AP Bio Tawni was absent, which was probably was a good thing cuz I was really out of it. At the beginning of the day I was talking to Hubert and he asked me if I was alright and I told him I felt like shit, not physically but mentally. Mr. Ashby easdropping heard me and said "why what's the wrong James, Tawni's not here?" he gave me a weird glance which told me he knew what he was talking about. Anyways the whole class I was talking with Jeff who was also having his trouble with Christie. The future looks bleak with those two. I set it up just perfect but I guess it just they aren't right for each other. Anyways yeah most of class I was just kinda staring straight ahead without much expression and I guess Mr. Ashby knew something was up with me cuz he asked Jeff what was up with me. I went with Jeff to his house for lunch and we talked more there. His mom was telling him he could find someone better who won't play mind games. In math Christie was telling me she finally talked to Paul and came to the conclusion that she doesn't like him. Her and Alicia was trying to make me feel better but didn't help much though I did appreciate that they cared. Afterschool I went to the parking lot with Frank and Nat came up and she locked her keys in her car so I gave her a ride to her house then drove her back to school. Then when I dropped off Frank some soph started talking shit about volvo's and the funny thing was he was braggin that he drives a 96' s-10...lol funny....

Random Things....

hmmm....last nite to try and get my head straight I ate out with Adam and Dusty.....we went to Jack-in-the-box then went to Krispy Kreme....this guy hooked us up with 5 free doughnuts..

Jeff just called and he said he's gonna call Christie and finally get a straight answer about what's up with them....I already know what's gonna happen but it's best that Jeff hears it himself....

My lil sis is going 2 the future frosh nite....seems like only yesterday that I went to that.....

heh my mom found my sis beer bottle in her dorm......

I haven't felt this bad in a while but trust me it was real bad today.....

damn today has really sucked, really it has. This is probably #2 on my worst days since Oct. I have just handled it better because unlike the 1st one I don't want to have people ask me if I'm ok so I'll put on my fake smile for a couple days and hope that I end up feeling better.

I'm still sad after my realization yesterday but there is something else that I'm trying to figure out that's bothering me.....

Song Of The Day - Brian McKnight - Back At One
Currently Feeling - OK/Sad

I have a word that I'm starting to associate about my situation......acceptance........I guess I always thought that it would all work out for me in the end but 2nite I felt something that made me a little scared/sad. I ate dinner at Tawni's with Paul, Amber, and her sis Tara...... It was pretty fun, the porkchops and potatoes were pretty good. Amber left then we watched Robin Williams Live. Anyways I felt something between them. I sensed that they would be together for a while and no matter how hard it's gonna be I'm gonna have to move on. I never felt it before cuz I never really hung out with both of them in a small group. It's just one of those things you can sense between people. I don't think this will really change anything between me and Tawni being good friends but this is really something that's gonna get me inside a little. My nite didn't end there but I really don't feel like writing and I just wanted to get that out.

Song Of The Day - Rooney - Losing All Control
Currently Feeling - Good

Yeah yesterday was a pretty good day although I got tired. Afterschool I went to the bank with Adam and Mike. I picked up my sis and met up with them at Wal-Mart. My friend Adam right now is hooked on icee's. Anyways he owed me some money so he bought me an icee and I bought the sickest cookies ever. They were like bricks. Anyways afterwards we went to Mike's house and I was gonna help them on their commercial for marketing but Marianne called and I forgot that her stuff was in the back of the volvo so I had to drive back. Before I stepped in the house I had this weird feeling that I was being set up....... Yup and i did......as soon as I got in the house I saw my dad sitting on the couch by the door. I dropped off Marianne's stuff then bolted to the door but before I could close the door my dad called me and asked if I could help move some stuff into the house from the nursing home (she's moving back in). So I think that there's like a box or two for me to move because he said there was only some stuff that needed to be move. But my dad insisted on me taking the trooper so I did. Let's just say there was just enough room in the trooper so that I didn't have to make two trips. I was so tired, and I told my friends I would be right back but that was an hour and a half. After I was done with my manual labor for the day I took a shower and talked to Jason to see if he was going to the game. I picked up Adam and Mike and ate at quizno's. I went back and dropped them off and gave them some ideas for them to do 2nite then I went to pick up Jason and went to the game. It was pretty cool at first cuz we sat by Joe, Dan, and a couple other peeps and they were making a hella lot of noise. It kinda sucked cuz the refs confiscated the cowbell, the blow horn, and the injury to mike killed the crowd. We left after Cactus fell behind by 18 and we talked with Chris, Steve, and Nigel for a little bit. They said they were gonna go to the party and that's where we were heading so we were gonna meet them up there but when we were on our way we saw them going the other way. We got to the party and said happy birthday to Amber.....So HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY AMBER!!! It was pretty cool with the band there for a little bit. Tawni was there so I talked to her. I also got to meet her best friend Adam. He was pretty cool, I was talking to him since he didn't really know much peeps there. Kinda weird but he looked different in his pic. lol it was pretty funny when Adam and me picked up Tawni and was pretending to throw her in the pool. We were thinking about dangling her over the pool but we would have felt bad if we would have dropped her. heh Andrew (Frank's brother) was there and I didn't know him and Tina were close. and you can't have a party without the other gaber so I called Frank to come over. I gave Amber a bondage teddy bear keychain...lol pretty funny but I couldn't beat out Tawni's spermies (gummy worms in the shape of sperm) I still haven't really talked to Paul yet, maybe a little one liner here and there, and it's the same with him. hmm the funniest was when Tawni and me were talking about the bet I made with Moses about who would get a better grade in History. I was joking about if I lose then Tawni has to pay half and I guess Paul took it seriously and heh yeah it was kinda funny it he was serious. After we went outside, Christie visited for a couple minutes, Jeff said he was but he decided not to come probably for the best. We all talked outside but then Jason and Frank got a little tired so we went home. Afterwards I just drove around for a little bit then went home.


Random Things......

hmm.....my plans for the day is in the afternoon were gonna go eat at claim jumpers for my sis birthday. Then after that I dunno. At night, if Tawni's dad isn't home then she's gonna cook porkchops and deviled eggs for dinner....yummm.....if her dad is home, then probably later tonite I'll try to go watch Final Destination 2 with a couple of peeps.

The panda I gave Marianne finally has a name with a little help from I think my mom.....Jimmy Pan....lol

So far I have 11 songs in my slow Jamz VII cd......