The Corn Monster

Song Of The Day- Lil Jon - Snap Ya Fingers
Currently Feeling- Lazy
Memory of the Day - Haha not so much a memory cuz it happened last night but i thought Adams text message last night was hilarious........"Ooga booga the corn moster is behind you takin your duckets"........lol

Lol well last night i was in complete homework mode. Because of that (and lack of fundage at the end of the month) I was gonna make it a homework night. I opted out of dinner at Applebees and instead worked on biochem homework as well as watched Dateline: To Catch a Predator. I only got to watch a little bit of it, but they had this really creepy wangsta looking mofo going over to this 13 year old girls house so that he could "put his thang in her mouth"......lol. Anyways I only caught a little bit of it because I ended up going to the corn maze with everyone due to a little peer pressure (and false promises from Me'shell....lol j/k). Anyways i thought that they were already on their way so I hauled ass on the 86. I wasn't sure what the speed limit was but I was definately going more than double it at times. I actually thought i was gonna get pulled over but on the way back i discovered it was just border patrol. Anyways I got there and i had to chill for awhile cuz i got there a bit too soon. Finally everyone showed up and we got prepped for the cornmaze/hauted corn maze. It turned out that it was 15 bucks per person, which did hurt my wallet pretty good. Anyways it was pretty fun, i gotta say the best part was in the dark room, that was pretty cool. The maze part was cool as well. Anyways after that we headed back. Oh i forgot to mention it was a 20+ mile drive on the 86, which i did by myself. This isn't me complaining though cuz i actually enjoyed the drive. Ahhh good thinking time. I made a couple observations (mainly about myself) and ya that's bout it.

A Dream Goes A Long Way

Song Of The Day- Ice Cube - Go To Church
Currently Feeling- Normal
Memory Of The Day - In first grade, the kids would always call me James Bond Jr. (if u remember the show, that is what they were referring to)

Ok before I go onto my normal spiel about this and that, I have to write about my dream just so that i don't remember. Ok so this dream seems kinda odd but it does serve a purpose for a realization for me. Well actually not a realization so much as confirmation to what i already know. Anyways we were all in some gigantic house. We consists of Adam "pants", Deeds, Me'shell, Leo, Craig, Tara, random student, and me. Anyways the house was burning so we all had to go through the secret passageway. The passageway led to a stone stairway and going down that long stairway led to the stairway to koffler. lol ya weird. Anyways we all got out alright and were standing in front of the koffler building. Now the thing is that this is the end of senior year and there are a couple things happening. First is that a couple people are leaving. For one, someone was going to a different part of the states to experience it. I don't remember exactly who it was but i believe it was Leo or random student (who in fact is a completely random person i think i made up in my head). The second thing was that I think Adam or Deeds were going somewhere else for medschool/grad school and i think they decided to end it. So with those two reasons it was all a bit of a teary goodbye. Ok so the realization aspect of my dream.........well i kinda left it out haha......The purpose of all of it was so that i could remember the general point of the dream. And about the realization......well I'll keep that to myself but you really don't have to think outside the box on it.

Ok so now with that out of the way, i can note that last night i watched Saw III with Clarice, Jbot, Fibbs, Emily, and Brandon. The movie was a far cry from part one and even part two. It was just trying to be too smart that it was being kinda ridiculous. The gore was pretty good, it wasn't as violent as part II, but it had its moments like the chain scene and the twist scene. After that we went to Emily's house and hung out for a while and watched tv.

Change of the Thinking Process

Song Of The Day- Akon - I Wanna Love You
Currently Feeling- Out of It
This Day In History- 4 years ago - I had suspicions that someone was reading my blog who i knew. I thought it was Amber or Tawni but it ended up being Tara, Tawni's sister. Also I wrote out my schedule for senior year of high school. 2 years ago - Shaun can down to Tucson to kick it and Tawni drank for the first time.

Ahhh finally a new blog. I didn't blog in a while for a couple reasons, one and probably most notable was the fact that blogging does take time and effort to write, i don't think it's something i can do while doing homework. Blogging also surprising takes awhile so i would get into moods but then decide i was too tired. The second reason is because I was trying to figure out an approach to my problem I've been having. Alas i haven't sovled it but I have decided to make a change in my thinking process. Haha what i mean by that is force-fed confidence and just trying to stay positive and productive. Surprisingly it has worked well as my fortunes have turned a little after large failures earlier. Anyways as anyone could have told, so far this year has been a real low point, but i think finally that ship is turning. I also decided that i need to put an end to a few loose strings. These loose strings i refer to mean a number of things both academically or other. For instance today I finally changed my major to chemistry, something i've been meaning to do since last semester. There are also other things that i want/need to do but i won't give them out yet because I don't know if i'll do them yet.

Anyways i'll keep this blog short and sweet and end there and i'll blog soon (which means sometime around thanksgiving lol j/k)

More Than Meets the Eye

Song Of The Day- Justin Timberlake - My Love
Currently Feeling- Stressed, A Bit Wired

It may be the mass amount of coffee i've drank today but I feel so incredibly stressed, I think i may have hit a new record. If i could describe the feeling, I would say it feels like the walls are closing in on me. This is all quite different from being stressed out in the past because it seems absolutely nothing has gone my way this semester. My confidence in myself has shrinken to almost nothing, anything i think i'm gonna do well in, i don't. I worry about the future as well as the present. Honestly I feel like I'm at a point of meltdown. I'm trying to grasp on to some sort of normalcy, a routine by which to follow, but each time i try, I fail, and i fall further into a sense of obscurity. I try to put on my normal "face" so to speak, but the underlying issues still remain, whether i chose to exhibit them outwardly or not. Even as i write this, a million things are crossing through my mind. I mean I think the main problem lies in academics, but the problems have further seeped into every aspect of my life, whether it be family, friends, or whatever. Also i think it was all getting to me even before school started this semester, so saying its because of school may very well be a fallacy. In the past when i feel stressed, I try to reach out to something constant.....but right now i don't have anything to grasp onto. Thus is the reason why i'm blogging.......I'm trying to sort things out, trying to isolate certain things.......but i'll be honest, there are certain things i can't write about here, certain things i don't want to write about or even think about. There are certain things i don't want to write or think about because seeing it would probably make things worse.

Thinking about my tendencies as a person, or what traits make who i am.......I am a habitual creature. I am at my best when i get in a groove of what I want to do. I am a romanitc.......I have also been so, stretching back to as far as 1st grade, a lot of my personality is based off that fact......I am an open person....I've always been able to air out how i feel whether it be here or just talking to someone......I am confidence driven.......when i feel confident, things go my way, there is a different air and mentality towards things.......Also i'd have to say friends play a role in personality....when i feel on good grounds, it helps my state of mentality.......I am family driven........This is probably one of my lesser known aspects since I choose not to write much about my family in my blog, but truth be told this is probably one of the more key aspects of my personality.

For the most part, these all play key parts of my personality. I'm sure there are a couple i've left out but more or less, these are the key aspects. Looking at all these traits/qualities/whatever you want to call them, they are all severely out of sync. Right now, there is no fluidity in how my days go. They are jumbled with no consistancy on what i get done, what i get accomplish, or just plainly how i handle my time. I have never had such a hard time getting up in the morning ever until now.......In HS, i was always up well before i had to get up, my first two years of college I was always up and ready to go, but here we are now, barely into Oct and I have missed more morning classes then probably my first two college years combined. Then theres the romantic component of my personality. To be honest, this is the most confusing of my dilemmas right now because i'm not exactly sure how i feel on this. Whereas I know what is bugging me on most of the topics that i listed above, this one is a bit of a question mark for me. I guess if i could describe it, it would be emptiness. By "emptiness", i'm not too sure. A buzz word that i've always thrown out on my blog has been the work "spark", and right now i don't know if i feel a spark anywhere. I actually talked to Jbot a little about this last nite. I don't know the status with Alysha right now because i get so many mixed signals from her, but even putting that aside, i don't get the same feeling from her that i got last year. Whenever i talked to her, I was always in a more excited state. Now when i talk to her, its just like talking to anyone else. So i guess if i had to make an assumption, the spark in me towards her is no longer there. Now people keep asking me if i'm still "going" for her......i'm just sorta letting it play out, i think if the opportunity arose i would take it merely to see where it would go. There is one other aspect of my romantic side i would like to talk about, but for reasons being i will not discuss it here. Ahhh what next, I said i was an open person and i am. Normally i am very open about how i'm feeling. Since summer however, that has definately changed........I know that i've shelled up (another buzz word of mine), and i have definately kept to myself. I justify it though because I am shielding myself from stuff that quite frankly are out of my hand. But i think it has grown to the point where I have not even talked about things that i normally would. This ties up with both friends and family. This is also another cloudy aspect for all of you because quite frankly, this is something that i've kept very closely guarded. But i know thats its obvious to all of you due to my lack of appearances so to speak as well as my hermit like approach towards hanging out. Also with family, yah i don't go back a lot because i am busy studying, but honestly even if i wasn' t studying, i think my trips to Phx would be the same as it is now. I dunno, guess there are just a bunch of question marks regarding friends and family right now, a lot of it I choose to let it remain in the dark with everyone. I guess the last remaining asapect is my confidence. lol whats left to write about that, there is little self-confidence in me right now. Even in the past when i didn't do well on something, I was always confident enough that i thought i'd do better. Right now i can't say that about myself. Instead i have self-doubt that constantly runs through my head. I don't think you can even attribute it to studying because i've studied alot so far, but i study and just never feel confident and that just gets me down.

So ya......this is about as open as i have been since who knows when and to be honest its not much. Would I say i'm depressed right now......ya i guess you could. Do i think i am a depressed person (like to the point where i think i need medication or whatever), no i don't think so. Reason being is because this is the first time i've felt like this, and i just think this is just a really rough patch in my short life. So if you wanted to know why i've been very hesitant to drink, there is your reason. I know the path i am heading towards (don't think extreme people if that's what you are thinking, think more like a mental breakdown) and i'm trying very hard not to hit that threshold. Will there be a return to normalcy for me anytime soon? No i don't think there will be, but alas as long as i can keep my head at least somewhat raised then i will be fine in the long run.