The Conclusion on What's Wrong With Me

Well I've written this a couple times (actually about 3 and a half) already trying to write it as best as possible as a way to get it all off my chest.......ok well yesterday I was pretty sure what caused me feeling like shit lately...well I actually knew but I tried denying it to myself cuz this shit keeps bugging me time and time again. Well this time I got a little help discovering it from Frank and Jason. We were chillin at his house watchin tv when low and behold a Subaru commercial. Well of course that brought up Paul and they brought up why did I leave so early today from Cousins. I told everyone that I was tired and was gonna take a nap. The only problem was I contridicted myself cuz when we first came in I said I was all hyper. I guess that they caught on to that slip up. Anyways they said something along the lines of "you know the only reason you left was because of Paul. Why would you say you were gonna go home and take a nap then call us to see what was going on and who we were with". Well at first I denied it but deep down I knew that was exactly the reason. My subconscious made that decision. (I never told you what I discovered about what my subconscious is, I'll get to it later). Well the thing that has been buggin me is that with everything that has happen with Katie, at first I thought I was ok with it, but when time set it I knew that my confidence was shot. When that happens you tend to look at things differently, and it leaves you vulnerable on the inside. It was bad enough with all the whole Katie thing but lately the comparisons that people make with me and Paul have been getting to me too. People like to make a rivalry out of it, but I've tried really fuckin hard to kill it all. I've tried real hard to not mind him but I can't...I really can't. I'm mean I'm not talking about becoming buds or anything like that. I'm upset at myself at that because Tawni I see her as one of my best friends and he's her boyfriend so I should be able to do it for her, especially since lately to her it seems as if everyone seems to be against Paul. And then there's the subconscious....I don't like talking about it only cuz half the time I shouldn't even be thinking that way. My subconscious is the part of my brain that holds my deep feelings that get repressed. I don't really know how to explain it, it's like when you say something that you don't agree with but you mean it, the only problem is that since you don't neccesarily agree with it, for me it goes into my subconscious. 2 things have been bugging me since who knows how long and it's been stuck in my subconscious where my head and subconscious are always conflicting for what's best. One is about the whole being ok with Paul which I've already talked about. My head tells me that for the best of everything and everyone it would be good to be "ok" with him yet my subconscious tells me that I don't want to be "ok" with him. The other thing is with Tawni. I've been trying to move on for like forever and I've done a good job with it. I found someone else who I liked but for one reason or another that didn't work out. But deep down I knew i wasn't completely over the hill. My subconscious keeps reminding me that I still have feelings for her. If it were anyone else, I would not be having this problem but Tawni is my best friend and she knows me inside out and I know her almost as well. I know that she really likes Paul and I know that I won't risk our friendship. I don't have that in me. My head says I've moved on but my sub-c says I haven't. My head usually gets the better of the tug of war but since the Katie thing, I haven't been quite the same and my head has been out of it. (damn this is getting hard, I've been stuck on this sentence for a while). I can't seem to find the words anymore, there's so much I really want to say but I can't, but all I know is that it's bothering me more than it ever has and I don't have any answers. I know it wasn't gonna be as easy as flipping a switch but at the same time I didn't know that it was gonna be that hard. I don't wanna stop hanging out with Tawni cuz her friendship means more to me than those feeling ever will and if I ever did stop talking to her cuz of it, I don't think I would be a real friend. Plus it probably wouldn't do any good just make me feel worse. So I guess the only answer is time, time heals all wounds just a matter of how long.


---Tawni----
I'm really sorry about this, i'm sorry i've been worrying you I just didn't want to tell you cuz of everything you've been going thru lately I didn't want to add another thing for you to worry about. I thought I could handle it on my own but obviously it didn't quite work that way. hmmmm i'm just sorry
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