Song Of The Day - NOFX- I Want You To Want Me
Currently Feeling - Anger, Sadness, Bitterness,hopeless
I've tried everything to get me to feel better. I know what would make me feel better but I've decided that not telling her is the right choice because 1. she has a boyfriend already and even though I don't like him that would be some bullshit if I were to do that. 2. I don't know if things would become weird if I told her. I mean I don't think it would but I don't want to put her in an awkward situation like that. I know that she would not dump him for me, she's not the type of person to do that. 3. I don't want her to think that I'm good friends with her just cuz I like her. I wouldn't want her to lose trust in me if you know what I mean. Those three things are the reasons why I can't tell her how I feel even if I just told her that I like her and that is it.
I'm really writing this to make me feel better (last ditch effort) and also to clear my head. So I guess I should start from when I started feeling sad which was Sat. I had dinner with her, Amber, Paul, and Tara. I knew it would be a little awkward but I thought it would be more evened out since Amber was there. Anyways she left so it was just Paul, Tawni, Tara, and me. I've talked to Tara online but this was the first time I've really met her in person so I wasn't very talkative and also it's always different with Tawni when Paul's there (that's why I was so pissed when he became the TA). So we were just watching comedy stand up on tv and I could tell by their mannerisms and just by their little actions that I'm gonna have to accept that it's not going to end anytime soon. I always thought that the universe would end up in my favor but i could tell it wasn't going to this time. This was the first time I've ever really felt that between them and yeah it got me really depressed cuz I thought to myself where do I stand in all of this. I wasn't really sure on how to deal with it so I tried it all, kept busy, talk on the phone non stop, sleeping, hanging out with family, but none of it really had much effect. I knew that it was gonna be bad in February but I didn't think it was gonna be this bad. On Mon she wasn't here and it was a good thing cuz I was completely out of it. I wasn't alone though cuz Jeff was also feeling like shit. I thought that maybe if I could get him over it then i could figure out a way to get over my situation. I did figure out a way for Jeff to get better and that was to talk to Christie and get everything straight and off his chest. I thought to myself and I know that it would make me feel a lot better too cuz of the whole "keeping feelings bottled up sooner or later they will explode" but I can't do that. I'm so fuckin tempted to do it, I know it sounds selfish of me but it's all starting to get at me. My bottle is starting to explode after holding it all for such a long time. I feel angry at myself for never telling her how i felt. I feel bitter at Paul just cuz he's with her. I feel depressed cuz i realize that they're not going to break up any time soon. I feel upset that I've let my confidence slide and not being weak. I'm confused, lost, pissed. So i try to find ways to just move on but everything leads to a dead end. There's no one at school I really like or consider. My friends gonna help me try to get over it on Fri, I don't know what he has planned. I've tried to hide my feeling from people but the people who know me better know that I'm not myself right now. Everything is off a step, I've been more quiet, more withdrawn from people. Normally I would just do that for a couple days then I could manage to rebottle myself but there are no vacations coming up, in fact Valentine's day is coming up. If anyone can think of an alternate solution other than to tell her I would really appreciate it. So this is my condensed version of what's going on in my head lately. If I really wanted to I could write a couple more pages but I'm choosing to leave it at that. Sorry about the lack of normal posts but I haven't been in the mood to really blog about stuff.
Currently Feeling - Anger, Sadness, Bitterness,hopeless
I've tried everything to get me to feel better. I know what would make me feel better but I've decided that not telling her is the right choice because 1. she has a boyfriend already and even though I don't like him that would be some bullshit if I were to do that. 2. I don't know if things would become weird if I told her. I mean I don't think it would but I don't want to put her in an awkward situation like that. I know that she would not dump him for me, she's not the type of person to do that. 3. I don't want her to think that I'm good friends with her just cuz I like her. I wouldn't want her to lose trust in me if you know what I mean. Those three things are the reasons why I can't tell her how I feel even if I just told her that I like her and that is it.
I'm really writing this to make me feel better (last ditch effort) and also to clear my head. So I guess I should start from when I started feeling sad which was Sat. I had dinner with her, Amber, Paul, and Tara. I knew it would be a little awkward but I thought it would be more evened out since Amber was there. Anyways she left so it was just Paul, Tawni, Tara, and me. I've talked to Tara online but this was the first time I've really met her in person so I wasn't very talkative and also it's always different with Tawni when Paul's there (that's why I was so pissed when he became the TA). So we were just watching comedy stand up on tv and I could tell by their mannerisms and just by their little actions that I'm gonna have to accept that it's not going to end anytime soon. I always thought that the universe would end up in my favor but i could tell it wasn't going to this time. This was the first time I've ever really felt that between them and yeah it got me really depressed cuz I thought to myself where do I stand in all of this. I wasn't really sure on how to deal with it so I tried it all, kept busy, talk on the phone non stop, sleeping, hanging out with family, but none of it really had much effect. I knew that it was gonna be bad in February but I didn't think it was gonna be this bad. On Mon she wasn't here and it was a good thing cuz I was completely out of it. I wasn't alone though cuz Jeff was also feeling like shit. I thought that maybe if I could get him over it then i could figure out a way to get over my situation. I did figure out a way for Jeff to get better and that was to talk to Christie and get everything straight and off his chest. I thought to myself and I know that it would make me feel a lot better too cuz of the whole "keeping feelings bottled up sooner or later they will explode" but I can't do that. I'm so fuckin tempted to do it, I know it sounds selfish of me but it's all starting to get at me. My bottle is starting to explode after holding it all for such a long time. I feel angry at myself for never telling her how i felt. I feel bitter at Paul just cuz he's with her. I feel depressed cuz i realize that they're not going to break up any time soon. I feel upset that I've let my confidence slide and not being weak. I'm confused, lost, pissed. So i try to find ways to just move on but everything leads to a dead end. There's no one at school I really like or consider. My friends gonna help me try to get over it on Fri, I don't know what he has planned. I've tried to hide my feeling from people but the people who know me better know that I'm not myself right now. Everything is off a step, I've been more quiet, more withdrawn from people. Normally I would just do that for a couple days then I could manage to rebottle myself but there are no vacations coming up, in fact Valentine's day is coming up. If anyone can think of an alternate solution other than to tell her I would really appreciate it. So this is my condensed version of what's going on in my head lately. If I really wanted to I could write a couple more pages but I'm choosing to leave it at that. Sorry about the lack of normal posts but I haven't been in the mood to really blog about stuff.
posted by James at
2/05/2003 06:03:00 PM
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