More Than Meets the Eye
Song Of The Day- Justin Timberlake - My Love
Currently Feeling- Stressed, A Bit Wired
It may be the mass amount of coffee i've drank today but I feel so incredibly stressed, I think i may have hit a new record. If i could describe the feeling, I would say it feels like the walls are closing in on me. This is all quite different from being stressed out in the past because it seems absolutely nothing has gone my way this semester. My confidence in myself has shrinken to almost nothing, anything i think i'm gonna do well in, i don't. I worry about the future as well as the present. Honestly I feel like I'm at a point of meltdown. I'm trying to grasp on to some sort of normalcy, a routine by which to follow, but each time i try, I fail, and i fall further into a sense of obscurity. I try to put on my normal "face" so to speak, but the underlying issues still remain, whether i chose to exhibit them outwardly or not. Even as i write this, a million things are crossing through my mind. I mean I think the main problem lies in academics, but the problems have further seeped into every aspect of my life, whether it be family, friends, or whatever. Also i think it was all getting to me even before school started this semester, so saying its because of school may very well be a fallacy. In the past when i feel stressed, I try to reach out to something constant.....but right now i don't have anything to grasp onto. Thus is the reason why i'm blogging.......I'm trying to sort things out, trying to isolate certain things.......but i'll be honest, there are certain things i can't write about here, certain things i don't want to write about or even think about. There are certain things i don't want to write or think about because seeing it would probably make things worse.
Thinking about my tendencies as a person, or what traits make who i am.......I am a habitual creature. I am at my best when i get in a groove of what I want to do. I am a romanitc.......I have also been so, stretching back to as far as 1st grade, a lot of my personality is based off that fact......I am an open person....I've always been able to air out how i feel whether it be here or just talking to someone......I am confidence driven.......when i feel confident, things go my way, there is a different air and mentality towards things.......Also i'd have to say friends play a role in personality....when i feel on good grounds, it helps my state of mentality.......I am family driven........This is probably one of my lesser known aspects since I choose not to write much about my family in my blog, but truth be told this is probably one of the more key aspects of my personality.
For the most part, these all play key parts of my personality. I'm sure there are a couple i've left out but more or less, these are the key aspects. Looking at all these traits/qualities/whatever you want to call them, they are all severely out of sync. Right now, there is no fluidity in how my days go. They are jumbled with no consistancy on what i get done, what i get accomplish, or just plainly how i handle my time. I have never had such a hard time getting up in the morning ever until now.......In HS, i was always up well before i had to get up, my first two years of college I was always up and ready to go, but here we are now, barely into Oct and I have missed more morning classes then probably my first two college years combined. Then theres the romantic component of my personality. To be honest, this is the most confusing of my dilemmas right now because i'm not exactly sure how i feel on this. Whereas I know what is bugging me on most of the topics that i listed above, this one is a bit of a question mark for me. I guess if i could describe it, it would be emptiness. By "emptiness", i'm not too sure. A buzz word that i've always thrown out on my blog has been the work "spark", and right now i don't know if i feel a spark anywhere. I actually talked to Jbot a little about this last nite. I don't know the status with Alysha right now because i get so many mixed signals from her, but even putting that aside, i don't get the same feeling from her that i got last year. Whenever i talked to her, I was always in a more excited state. Now when i talk to her, its just like talking to anyone else. So i guess if i had to make an assumption, the spark in me towards her is no longer there. Now people keep asking me if i'm still "going" for her......i'm just sorta letting it play out, i think if the opportunity arose i would take it merely to see where it would go. There is one other aspect of my romantic side i would like to talk about, but for reasons being i will not discuss it here. Ahhh what next, I said i was an open person and i am. Normally i am very open about how i'm feeling. Since summer however, that has definately changed........I know that i've shelled up (another buzz word of mine), and i have definately kept to myself. I justify it though because I am shielding myself from stuff that quite frankly are out of my hand. But i think it has grown to the point where I have not even talked about things that i normally would. This ties up with both friends and family. This is also another cloudy aspect for all of you because quite frankly, this is something that i've kept very closely guarded. But i know thats its obvious to all of you due to my lack of appearances so to speak as well as my hermit like approach towards hanging out. Also with family, yah i don't go back a lot because i am busy studying, but honestly even if i wasn' t studying, i think my trips to Phx would be the same as it is now. I dunno, guess there are just a bunch of question marks regarding friends and family right now, a lot of it I choose to let it remain in the dark with everyone. I guess the last remaining asapect is my confidence. lol whats left to write about that, there is little self-confidence in me right now. Even in the past when i didn't do well on something, I was always confident enough that i thought i'd do better. Right now i can't say that about myself. Instead i have self-doubt that constantly runs through my head. I don't think you can even attribute it to studying because i've studied alot so far, but i study and just never feel confident and that just gets me down.
So ya......this is about as open as i have been since who knows when and to be honest its not much. Would I say i'm depressed right now......ya i guess you could. Do i think i am a depressed person (like to the point where i think i need medication or whatever), no i don't think so. Reason being is because this is the first time i've felt like this, and i just think this is just a really rough patch in my short life. So if you wanted to know why i've been very hesitant to drink, there is your reason. I know the path i am heading towards (don't think extreme people if that's what you are thinking, think more like a mental breakdown) and i'm trying very hard not to hit that threshold. Will there be a return to normalcy for me anytime soon? No i don't think there will be, but alas as long as i can keep my head at least somewhat raised then i will be fine in the long run.
Currently Feeling- Stressed, A Bit Wired
It may be the mass amount of coffee i've drank today but I feel so incredibly stressed, I think i may have hit a new record. If i could describe the feeling, I would say it feels like the walls are closing in on me. This is all quite different from being stressed out in the past because it seems absolutely nothing has gone my way this semester. My confidence in myself has shrinken to almost nothing, anything i think i'm gonna do well in, i don't. I worry about the future as well as the present. Honestly I feel like I'm at a point of meltdown. I'm trying to grasp on to some sort of normalcy, a routine by which to follow, but each time i try, I fail, and i fall further into a sense of obscurity. I try to put on my normal "face" so to speak, but the underlying issues still remain, whether i chose to exhibit them outwardly or not. Even as i write this, a million things are crossing through my mind. I mean I think the main problem lies in academics, but the problems have further seeped into every aspect of my life, whether it be family, friends, or whatever. Also i think it was all getting to me even before school started this semester, so saying its because of school may very well be a fallacy. In the past when i feel stressed, I try to reach out to something constant.....but right now i don't have anything to grasp onto. Thus is the reason why i'm blogging.......I'm trying to sort things out, trying to isolate certain things.......but i'll be honest, there are certain things i can't write about here, certain things i don't want to write about or even think about. There are certain things i don't want to write or think about because seeing it would probably make things worse.
Thinking about my tendencies as a person, or what traits make who i am.......I am a habitual creature. I am at my best when i get in a groove of what I want to do. I am a romanitc.......I have also been so, stretching back to as far as 1st grade, a lot of my personality is based off that fact......I am an open person....I've always been able to air out how i feel whether it be here or just talking to someone......I am confidence driven.......when i feel confident, things go my way, there is a different air and mentality towards things.......Also i'd have to say friends play a role in personality....when i feel on good grounds, it helps my state of mentality.......I am family driven........This is probably one of my lesser known aspects since I choose not to write much about my family in my blog, but truth be told this is probably one of the more key aspects of my personality.
For the most part, these all play key parts of my personality. I'm sure there are a couple i've left out but more or less, these are the key aspects. Looking at all these traits/qualities/whatever you want to call them, they are all severely out of sync. Right now, there is no fluidity in how my days go. They are jumbled with no consistancy on what i get done, what i get accomplish, or just plainly how i handle my time. I have never had such a hard time getting up in the morning ever until now.......In HS, i was always up well before i had to get up, my first two years of college I was always up and ready to go, but here we are now, barely into Oct and I have missed more morning classes then probably my first two college years combined. Then theres the romantic component of my personality. To be honest, this is the most confusing of my dilemmas right now because i'm not exactly sure how i feel on this. Whereas I know what is bugging me on most of the topics that i listed above, this one is a bit of a question mark for me. I guess if i could describe it, it would be emptiness. By "emptiness", i'm not too sure. A buzz word that i've always thrown out on my blog has been the work "spark", and right now i don't know if i feel a spark anywhere. I actually talked to Jbot a little about this last nite. I don't know the status with Alysha right now because i get so many mixed signals from her, but even putting that aside, i don't get the same feeling from her that i got last year. Whenever i talked to her, I was always in a more excited state. Now when i talk to her, its just like talking to anyone else. So i guess if i had to make an assumption, the spark in me towards her is no longer there. Now people keep asking me if i'm still "going" for her......i'm just sorta letting it play out, i think if the opportunity arose i would take it merely to see where it would go. There is one other aspect of my romantic side i would like to talk about, but for reasons being i will not discuss it here. Ahhh what next, I said i was an open person and i am. Normally i am very open about how i'm feeling. Since summer however, that has definately changed........I know that i've shelled up (another buzz word of mine), and i have definately kept to myself. I justify it though because I am shielding myself from stuff that quite frankly are out of my hand. But i think it has grown to the point where I have not even talked about things that i normally would. This ties up with both friends and family. This is also another cloudy aspect for all of you because quite frankly, this is something that i've kept very closely guarded. But i know thats its obvious to all of you due to my lack of appearances so to speak as well as my hermit like approach towards hanging out. Also with family, yah i don't go back a lot because i am busy studying, but honestly even if i wasn' t studying, i think my trips to Phx would be the same as it is now. I dunno, guess there are just a bunch of question marks regarding friends and family right now, a lot of it I choose to let it remain in the dark with everyone. I guess the last remaining asapect is my confidence. lol whats left to write about that, there is little self-confidence in me right now. Even in the past when i didn't do well on something, I was always confident enough that i thought i'd do better. Right now i can't say that about myself. Instead i have self-doubt that constantly runs through my head. I don't think you can even attribute it to studying because i've studied alot so far, but i study and just never feel confident and that just gets me down.
So ya......this is about as open as i have been since who knows when and to be honest its not much. Would I say i'm depressed right now......ya i guess you could. Do i think i am a depressed person (like to the point where i think i need medication or whatever), no i don't think so. Reason being is because this is the first time i've felt like this, and i just think this is just a really rough patch in my short life. So if you wanted to know why i've been very hesitant to drink, there is your reason. I know the path i am heading towards (don't think extreme people if that's what you are thinking, think more like a mental breakdown) and i'm trying very hard not to hit that threshold. Will there be a return to normalcy for me anytime soon? No i don't think there will be, but alas as long as i can keep my head at least somewhat raised then i will be fine in the long run.
posted by James at
10/07/2006 11:34:00 PM
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