I blogged years ago in order to kind of vent my feelings and thoughts. I overthink and overanalyze a lot of things which at times are good, but have always been quite cumbersome at times. It's just a part of who I am, and even after 6+ plus years of blogging, I'm still a slave to my thoughts and feelings. So why am I blogging again? Because once again I'm stuck thinking about this girl who I'm probably in love with and no matter what I do I can't change that fact. It's like Tawni all over again (like many people have related it to). Before I divulge deeping into matters, I wonder why Tawni and Kim have had such a strong influence on me while others have had minimal or not as devastating effects. It's weird, Tawni and Kim are very different yet they are the same. Tawni was always very sweet and affectionate, she was kind and I always felt that i could open up to her. Kim, is very affectionate and can be sweet, although it seems she can be pretty harsh to me. That's something i'll get to later though. But they both have that very alpha type personality. Maybe that's what I'm drawn to. Everyone else I was interested/dated were all nice but didn't have that domineering personality that Tawni and Kim have.
The reason why I like her isn't what has been on my mind. Rather, why do I still feel that way and whether or not it's good for me. I've been through this dance with her before. Last year to be exact, and it didn't end well for me. I moped around and it took me awhile before i felt like myself again. I was over it, I was free from thinking about her. Yet as summer was about to end, I still thought about her as i was gearing up to start teaching chemistry at the UofA. Not in that romantic aspect, but I remembered her attempting to get into pharmacy school, and even though i didn't know for sure at the time, I figured she didn't get in or I was sure that I would have heard about it.
Let me backtrack a little first though. It was the start of 2008 when i stopped talking to her. I had made a few attempts to try to reconnect but it was pretty obvious she was over it. She never blatantly said it, but whenever I called, you could just tell she wasn't interested in me. It's odd hanging out with a person every day then all of a sudden that dissapears. She was what I would look forward to, and she was always the first thing on my mind. But like I said, it ended and slowly I adjusted and life was all and well.
Getting back on track, I did something that not many people thought I would do. I told her about the TA position and helped her apply for the job. They told her no, and I wouldn't take that as an answer. I implored her to keep trying, and I continued to do everything possible to help make that possible. So the first thing that one could ask would be, why would I go through that much trouble for someone who dropped me from her life? Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a very passive person. I don't like to "stir the pot", I'll do things for myself or my friends but I would not have taken it to such limits as I did with Kim. For instance, if it was me who was rejected from the TA position, I would have accepted it and looked for another job. Same thing for almost anyone else. So why Kim? Was my feelings still there for her after all this time? Yes and no I'd say, of course my feelings didn't completely dissolve back into solution, but at the same time I wouldn't say I did it merely for her affection. I would say the primary reason I did it was because I remember how important getting into pharmacy school was for her and I figured that a chemistry teaching position would speak volumes for a position that is dependent on chemical structures. At the same time it's circular, and one could argue why would i care about her future wellbeing.
I guess it doesn't matter as I did what I did and she ended up getting the TA position. This is one of two times where I'm just been so happy involving her. I still remember waiting outside koffler and she stepped out and she had this huge smile on her face and she ran towards me and gave me a big hug saying she got the job. It's odd, the joy i felt, i can't seem to find an equal for with me. Like there is nothing that happened for me/to me in recent memory that could equal the same joy at that moment. The only other time where that joy has been rivaled was when she got into pharmacy school. After that moment, it was like we were inseperable. I would wake up, and hang out with her all day and everything would be perfect. Whether it was lunch, going out and doing something, or just watching tv. It as at that period of time, where I realized i was feeling the same emotions if not more than i was last year.
Things dont last forever though, and of course things evolve. I can almost pinpoint the exact moment that everything spiraled out of control for me. My sis and her fiancee moved in, thus forcing me out of my single bedroom apt and thus my own space. My pharmacy app was denied because my pharmacist had forgotten to turn in his letter of recomendation on time. And Kim had started dating someone, specifically someone from the pharmacy that i had just recently been transferred to. It was like everything that was going so right had flipped upside down. It was like Karma decided that things were going too well for me and was balancing it out.
If I had an FML (fuck my life)moment, it would have been "I recently was transferred to the pharmacy my friend works at, problem is I'm in love with my friend and she's dating someone there...FML". Things didn't go as planned however, and she ended up not working there anymore, but I still heard about there relationship non-stop for awhile as it chewed me up inside.
I tried to be optimist about things, but eventually my foundations started to crack. Could you blame me, everything good about that time from Aug-Dec were wonderful and then just like that it was all gone. The only solace in all of this was my budding friendship with Liana. Liana was someone who i previously referred to as Galen's girlfriend. However, we had class together and is always a breath of fresh air. She has turned out to be a very close friend of mine and someone I feel comfortable sharing what's on my mind. I've gotten a few people who have given me there theories about Liana and my relationship with her but it is not like that. Not like she wouldn't be good....she's gorgeous and has a wonderful personality, however in my mind I feel her and galen are a very good match and even though they broke up, I still feel like they'll end up together. As a result, i've never saw her in that light. But ya, I really do have to thank her for helping me get through the rough patch. For that, she bumps up into my group of friends who I hold in dear regard which would include Jase, Adam, Vicky, and Me'shell.
So it's April now, not December, so where do we all stand.....the best possible answer i could give you is, I don't know. Lately Kim has had her mean streak, but it's not like she's directed it towards everyone but solely at me. Like at times, shes a bit mean but I know she's kidding....I guess it's just the relationship we have. I mean I don't see her act like that towards anyone else which may or may not be a good thing. My rationale for it, was there is a comfort level between us where she can be mean to me. I liken it to the current relationship with Liana and Galen. They aren't together but she treats him differently, she gets angry at him but it's because she's comfortable letting him see that side of her. As close as we are, Liana doesn't hold me to the same standards as Galen. I'm hoping that that's why Kim sometimes treats me the ways she does. But going back to her mean streak, she was pushing the envelope to the point where I felt i was going to yell back at her (if you know me, you know i have very thick skin and rarely yell at someone). Things have definately eased since then but there was something today that I said that has me thinking. We were all out at lunch today when a situation arose where Kim could have potentially gotten in trouble. As the information was unraveling, almost instictively, I volunteered to "jump on the grenade" so to speak. I offered to take the blame for the situation even though I would have more to lose from the job aspect. The situation didn't call for those acts however and all was well. I don't know how the situation played out in front of Liana, David, Galen, or even Kim, but the fact that i was prepared to take the heat once again has me thinking. With recent events, Kim has given me absolutely zero reason to defend her like that. The past week she has treated me like garbage and has given me no reason for her actions. I've felt excluded from what's been going on with her. And you know, if she wants to treat me like that, then she has every right to. But why should I stick around to let her treat me like that. Yet even with all this frustration building because of her, i was willing to once again go out of my way for her.
So to sum it all up, I don't know where I am emotionally. Lets say that it was bad enough for me to blog again. In a perfect situation, ya I wish we were "together" in that sense but the reality of the situation is that that's not going to happen any time soon and the best situation would be for me to meet someone new. Unfortunately, every one including myself knows, that I always put on blinders when I like a person. Which means, the only person right now I want to be with is her until one day it just shuts off.......
