Where is James?

Currently Feeling - Lost

Where am I? I don't feel like I'm here right now. To be honest I don't feel like I've been myself for a couple days now. It's like I'm lost in a maze. I just spent the whole nite in Las Vegas up writing 5 pages about what I'm feeling because I needed to know what was inside me. I have always held back certain feelings and thoughts in my head because I thought that if I didn't think of them they would slowly go away. Those things that I have tried to forget are the reason why certain things still bug me. No matter how much time I have put in between them, no matter how much we have grown, it's still there. You read the archive, and u read what happened, but u only read it, the strength of the emotion couldn't be written nor did I want to write it. When I write in this blog, I try to be as detailed in my feelings as possible but you can only express those emotions so much. I didn't want to read those archive cuz I knew exactly what I was feeling those days. There's so much I don't know what exactly to say. there was so much I realized when I read what I wrote. I think I'm gonna stop there because I don't know what I really want to write. I just don't know, today was a very vulnerable day for me. Jason found out was Plan R was because I mean he did say it all that time ago. I had a huge heart to heart with him. I spilled a lot of my guts to him, because I needed someone to turn to. I was really hesitant to say anything but I just unleashed a lot of info on him. And then at Cousins I went to go talk to Steph about it, but I didn't want to because I knew if I started talking about it, I wasn't sure how I was gonna react. I didn't want to just let it all go because if I did I know I would have started getting teary eyed. But the worst thing of all was Tawni came to visit but when she did I just couldn't say anything. She knew I was thinking about something but I just couldn't really say anything. Once again I didn't want to go unstable and do things I didn't want to do. and the hardest thing for me is Tawni is the person I wish I could talk to the most but I can't do that until I understand myself what I'm thinking.