Friday, February 04, 2011

Royal Rumble!!!!

Song Of The Day-
Currently Feeling- Relaxed

First test of the first semester and a 97%. To be completely honest i didn't expect to do well, I didn't study until two days before the test and the day before the test went like this:

8am-5pm - class
5-6 - random internet surfing
6-9 - nap
9-1 - study
1-7am - nap?

Now for me, I'm not a big fan of studying in complete silence and typically i'll watch the Office while studying. To study for this test however, I decided to watch The Royal Rumble........for those who don't know what the Royal Rumble is, it's a wrestling ppv where they have 30-40 wrestlers in the ring trying to throw each other out of the ring. Now I don't know what compelled me to watch it considering i haven't watched wrestling in years but it brought back a lot of memories. As a little kid, i was always a huge "wrestling" fan. I remember when i was young on a Saturday afternoon, turning on the tv and seeing it. Ever since then I was hooked and even went to an event with my dad when they came to Arizona. Watching it now, i can't believe I thought it was real, there was one instance where the guy tried to dropkick another wrestler only to miss him by a foot yet mysteriously the guy flies 10 feet like he got shot by a gun. Regardless on how absurd it is to me now, I'll always have fond memories watching wrestling. It was a male soap opera, and no matter how many times hulk hogan got hit with a steel chair, he always popped right back up, and that's what made wrestling great.

Random Things....

- I read a post from a long time ago and it made me cringe a little. Could I be making the same mistake I made years ago? Maybe, maybe not, but for me, it makes me happy to do the things I'm doing and when that changes, I'll reevaluate my current situation.

- So far I have managed to follow through on some new years resolutions. :)

-O geez, Valentine's Day is coming..........Sigh

Saturday, January 29, 2011

My Creepy Experience

Song Of The Day- June Bug - Hearing Colors, Seeing Sounds
Currently Feeling- Creeped out

Just got back from hanging out and watched The Rite. The movie wasn't bad and i'm pretty surprised it got a 17% on rotten tomatoes but then again critics seem to never like horror movies. Anyways watching this movie brought up an incident I had once that legitimately creeped me out even to this day. It must have happened last year or two years ago. I was sleeping in my parents house with Tonka laying on the bed. I had gotten home around 2AM from hanging out but didn't drink anything. Anyways, I got ready for bed and laid down like i always do with tonka sleeping next to me. Now usually when i sleep it takes me about 20 minutes before i go to sleep because i like to think about things before i go to bed. Anyways I remember being close to sleep but still conscious when i swear i heard my name being called out very faintly by a feminine voice. At first, I thought i was just hearing things so I laid there thinking nothing of it. Maybe 30 seconds later I heard it again but slightly louder. This time, it had my attention. I turned into stone, and i remember trying to think of a rationale explanation like if it was my mom from the hall. Finally I heard it one more time but it was no longer a feminine voice but something low and deep. Almost right after that Tonka started barking loudly and caused me to jump. After that, I got up, turned on the lights and could not sleep for awhile. This incident never happened again.....

Now my guess was that i was either half-alseep and didn't know it or maybe i was undergoing lucid dreaming. But then it's a little odd that it timed-up with Tonka barking once the demonic voice called my name.......Either way, it was the creepiest experience I have ever had.....

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

New Years Resolutions!

Song Of The Day- LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem
Currently Feeling- Sleepy

Happy New Years everyone!!!!!! Well now that i got that out of the way, it's January 26th 2011 and I have decided that one of my new years resolutions is to start writing in my blog again....maybe not to the extent I did it back when I was younger, but the idea of looking back on the blog to actually see what i was thinking back then is pretty interesting to me. Not to mention, it's a good stress reliever and some days, it feels like I don't have an outlet to vent on.

So what better way to start off my first 2011 post than to talk about my new years resolutions. I currently have 4 of them to which i'm having my dear friend Vicky hold me accountable to following. After thinking about it even longer than i have, i have decided to add a few more secondary ones. Before I get to it, i feel 2011 is going to be special. For the first time, I feel like i see my life taking form. Come 2014, i will be out of pharmacy school and hopefully ready to start a family (or at least be in position for). That's why this years new years resolution i'm taking very seriously. I feel like they will better me for the future while not changing the person I am. So without further ado........

1. Become more selfish

So have you ever done something you didn't want to do but someone else wanted to do it so you do it to make them feel better? Well that is what i mean by being more selfish. I think i can call my self a decent guy, but often find myself sacrificing a little of myself for other people. Now by this, i don't plan on becoming a major hard ass, but I need to really evaluate some of the things i do and why i do them.

2. Take more chances

I don't know when this became part of my personality but ever since i was really little i have always been scared of failure/rejection. Maybe it's because i'm too scared of failing or what will happen if i don't succeed but it's really debilitating. Personally I think it's stopped me from a few life-altering decisions. The most recent one I can think of is where I went to pharmacy school....I mean the situation i'm in now is great....good friends, close to home, etc but I think a reason why i didn't fight so hard to get out of state is because arizona is safe. I mean the only school I wanted to go to bad was Washington but when i found out i didn't meet the curriculum requirements it felt kind of crushing.....but that is all in the past and there is nothing i can do about it. What i can do is make sure i'm prepared if or when the time comes for me to decide where to plant my roots. I'm still set on moving to the pacific northwest and i have made sure that all my ducks are in a row so that nothing stops me from accomplishing that goal.

3. Improve my study habits

Last semester I did great but naturally i'm not a good studier. Part of the reason why it's important for me to improve my study habits is because I don't want my job to be about my paycheck. I want to be able to give my best to ensure i help everyone who comes to me. I look to my mentor and pharmacist Rudy, he is respected by customers at our store, people ask for him by name...that's something I hope to one day achieve.


4. Make good friends, but don't forget about your old ones

Like i said earlier, I have made a lot of good friends in pharmacy school. I feel like i can relate to them on a lot of things and i feel like myself which is always a good thing. However, that definitely does not depreciate the value of my old friends. My friends have been there for a lot and they are still the people i trust the most. Yeah it's kind of hard because I feel our lives have taken a different path. Jason and Steph are married, maybe starting their own family soon. Adam is engaged and he has changed so much from the bowl hair buddy i met in high school. Haha that change is actually pretty bittersweet. Adam has always been the one to go out and do something crazy and i'll miss that, but at the same time his growth is good for where he is going. And then there is Frank and Moses, they have always had my back I don't think that'll change. Then there is Vicky who always seems thousands of miles away. Judging by the pattern of life, by the time i move to Seattle/Oregon, she will probably have gone halfway around the world. I guess the point i'm trying to make in all of this is, my friends who have been with me for forever, I can't lose. In fact, i'm hoping to try to keep in touch with Michelle, Aditi, Emily, etc who i have neglected to reach out to.

So there are my main new years resolutions. I feel like every year I feel like the new year will always be better than the last. However those reasons are always because I feel like the previous year wasn't good so I was looking at it negatively. This year will be different....I feel it in my bones.....

Random Thoughts.......

- One of my good friends reminds me of my dad. The guy is really smart, he's got a great girlfriend who is in love with him, and he's a really sociable guy. However, he's extremely lazy, he doesn't seem to have his priorities in order, and the way he treats his GF sometimes kind of disgusts me. I actually told his girlfriend about the similarities i noted and told her to make sure she keeps him in line. So why am I writing about it? Well it really isn't any of my business but both of them are really good friends of mine and seeing my parents relationship deteriorate the way it did, i don't want the same thing to repeat themselves with them.

- The start of pharmacy school had opened my eyes to single life to the point where i told Vicky that I am enjoying single-life a lot. That hasn't really changed but speaking to Rudy has kind of re-opened my eyes to long term. It seems like every month he takes his family out to disneyland or he's doing some sport or activity with his son. That's something that i really admire and hope to have one day. Now that doesn't mean i'm on a hunt to get married but it does kind of put things in perspective for me. Not to mention, everyone i know is getting married....but we'll see, as life as always showed me, things always happen when you least expect it.........

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

3 diphenhydramines (benadryl) later......

I can't sleep, but i guess that's what two mochas can do to you.....it's ok I've been meaning to blog. With all the time I have before school starts blogging and working out are two of my many priorities. Both of which are kind of off to a rocky start. I took a couple of benadryl's so hopefully I finish this before I completely pass out.

So what to write about......There are actually a lot of topics I thought about writing about, but as my friend I'm a private person. Even with my close friends, I exclude details of my life for one reason or another. I thought about writing about my past female exploits but I want to hold that off for another day, I thought of maybe writing about my fears but I don't think i'm ready for that one, I thought about writing about my plans for starting pharmacy school and beyond but frankly I find it boring (or at least now I do). So what I think i'm going to write about is something I thought about a couple days ago and I think perplexes me a bit. That topic is friendship.

Now i know friendship is an odd topic to discuss,not to mention a topic I have talked about before. But I'm actually going to take a different viewpoint and that is why am I not a good friend to some people. Now anyone who knows me knows who I consider close with. But throughout my life, there have been quite a few people who I considered close to only to drop out of my radar in a snap. And after thinking about it, the main blame can be pointed at me. So here is my list of people I came up with....

Vincent
- probably my first close friend that I can really remember. As a little kid, I would get out of class at 2 and my sisters class would be out at 3 so my dad would wait til my sister got out and pick us both up. During that hour wait, many times Vincent would stay and we would play transformers or make up random game involving pine cones. Since then we were always very close in elementary school although when we got into HS, we didn't hang out much. Although I do remember in college, he called because he was going to be in Tucson and he wanted to hang. We agreed but when he called I remember I didn't pick up. Now i wasn't the reason he came down but that was cold blooded of me especially since after that we never talked again to this day.

Ryan
- He was someone who lived in my dorm and probably the person who i got along with the most in my dorm outside of my roommate. We partied alot and I introduced him to a bunch of my friends. He started having a thing for Tawni and for me back then, that was a big no-no. I think i took offense to it and slowly started ignoring him. The part that kinda disturbs me was that numerous times, he made an attempt to try to hangout, but it was me who kinda gave the cold shoulder.

Adam the Jew
- He lived in the adjacent dorm but we hung out a lot freshman year and again sophamore year. He started dating Tawni although by then I got over her. However, when they broke up, it wasn't pretty and I often felt torn in the middle. But we still chilled and at one point he even offered me tickets to the final four in atlanta. Well what happened was, I stopped answering his calls and once again started giving the cold shoulder whenever he wanted to hang out.

Amanda
-Here's one I don't talk about alot. I'm actually not sure how much of it I want to discuss. There was a time during the summer that I got kinda bored. I was taking summer classes at pima and I met her while waiting for one of my classes to start. She was cute, petite brunette, and so we started hanging out. I wouldn't say we were dating but rather having fun. I would say for a month we were "having fun" and then I started acting kind of distant. I started ignoring her and soon we just stopped talking. I never really had to worry about seeing her after my class ended and so I just kind of cut my ties with her.

Paul
-I think this is one where I feel justified. When college started, we actually got along quite well. But he made a very big mistake of messing with my family and then again with someone i really care about and then i don't think I ever trusted him again.

There are others but these are the ones that kind of stick out of my mind the most. Now Vince, you can reason that people grow up and they no longer have the same interests, and Ryan, we were really different and didn't have similar interests. But in each case I just ignored them until they got the point and stopped calling. I just feel bad thinking about it and wonder why i did what i did.

Like I said, a random topic but one that i thought of a few days ago. I think each of them, if I had kept contact could have been in my brain trust but I wouldn't allow it. I think the one I feel worst about is Amanda, even to this day I feel I kinda used her during my "I don't really care" phase. It's something that i feel i acted out of character. I think apart of me is comfortable with who i'm close with and especially since i'm a private person, that could maybe explain my weird behavior.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Gift Giving 101

Birthdays and birthday gifts I think can tell alot about a person and how they feel about someone else. An acquaintance may be lucky to get a facebook post, a regular friend may be treated to a typical run of the mill gift or maybe even a shot at a bar. Good friends can fall under the category of a regular friend but usually a little bit more thoughtful depending on the relationship.

However if someone is really special (and usually someone of opposite gender), a birthday gift is a statement. Something that says "I care about you alot and I want you to know it". This gift can be extravagant either price wise or emotionally, maybe even sometimes both, but the gift will be something special. More often than not this person is of romantic interest, but not just any romantic interest but something deeper. Now if your gauging it by price, it can sometimes be difficult and misleading to gather an understanding of the relationship between the giver and receiver. If the person gets the other person jewelery, does the person give jewelery often to other interests or is it a rare occurrence? Also one must look at the persons typical spending patterns. Is the person notorious for trying to buy ones love? That's why when i try to interpret a relationship based on gift, I look for the amount of effort that was put into the gift. Was it an inside joke between the two? Maybe it was something that the person mentioned a long time ago and the other person remembered? How much time was put into the gift or idea of gift?


The reason why I bring all of this up is I actually question my own birthday gift habits. Now before i go analyze my gift giving lets give a few anomalies out of the way. Family gifts are typically not very extravagant (at least in our family). It usually focuses on what the person likes/wants/needs. Also guy/guy gifts I will exclude. Guys don't typically give other guys big gifts. Sure every once and awhile I'll go a little above what I normally do depending on the situation. An example of this was when Jason went to Colorado for school, i tried to get other people involved so we could get him something nicer combined rather than each give him something smaller individually. But usually it's pay for dinner, buy something they want, but there is little intrigue on what the gift is.

So that leads guy/girl gifts and what they signify. Now the reason why i focus on this is one, guy/girl relationships are usually more complicated even if it is a non-romantic relationship. 2nd girls seem to appreciate gifts better thus there is more of a concerted effort to give better gifts. So i'll give examples of each and try to deduce things.

Example 1A: a decent friend (one who i'm not overly close to but see on a regular basis)

- One year i bought my friend (who was a biology major) a can that contained a bean in it. The bean had been laser etched so that when it grew it would say "happy birthday (fill in the blank)".

Analysis - Now at first glance, one would think that this is a very thoughtful (maybe too thoughtful) idea. However, knowing she is a biology major and would appreciate the ingenuity of the gift seemed to be my main driving force. It was relatively cheap plus it shows that i'm not going to give a cop out gift (gift card or basket of lotions)......

Example 1B: a decent friend (one who i'm not overly close to but see on a regular basis)

- This involves gift cards or basket of lotions (self explanatory)

Analysis - Now just because it's a cop out gift doesn't necessarily mean that you don't really care for the person (although sometimes it does). It just means that that person is typically hard to shop for or you don't know what to give them. Usually this person is someone you aren't romantically interested in (because if you were and gave them this gift, there won't be any romantic interest reciprocated)

Example 2: Guy/Guy friends or girls who are good friends but little to no romantic interest

- The type of gifts here will reflect more effort. These gifts typically require that you know the person real well. For guys it will be things that they need/want while for girls it will be something that is between the two of you

Analysis - This is one where good friends typically fall. The gifts are typically something that they like or need. There is usually no nervousness giving the gift either.
This is a broad range so I will use a lot of examples. One year I bought frank a video game because he just got a new video game system. Not very deep but something that he wanted and i knew he would use. Similarly, I got Adam a wallet because he said he wanted one. For girls, I got Steph a snuggie because she said she wanted one (it was kind of an inside joke). For Aditi, I got her planet earth since i knew she really liked the series.


Example 3: Someone you have a crush on or like a lot (this does not necessarily mean you have to be romantically linked but you are pretty close to this person)

Analysis - At one point in college I had a crush on Michelle. She was someone who I got along with pretty well and I remember one day before finals to relieve stress we wanted to make ice cream ghetto style so we bought ice, rock salt, vanilla, etc and tried to make ice cream in my dorm courtyard to very abysmal results. It was a fun time though and to commemorate the event, I got her an ice cream maker and a book on how to make different flavors. This one had a pretty good amount of thought and was a little nervous giving the gift. It was apparent I put more thought into that gift than others but not enough thought to where it had an eventful impact.

Example 4: the extreme case, you go all out on the gift!

Analysis - This one is reserved for the person you care deeply about. This gift may or may not be expensive but the thought into getting the gift is redonkulous. I think anyone who knows me, knew that back in the day i was in love with Tawni. If you don't read my old blogs and it should be pretty evident that that was the case. And one year for her birthday, I decided to go all out and try to find her half sister who she lost contact with. This was no easy feat as I got numerous dead ends, had to call people pretending to be someone else just to get hints on where she was. The time and nervousness in preparing the gift was off the charts and usually a lot of planning is involved.

So there are my 4 general gift levels although like I said it may not always be black and white. But you may ask why am i writing about it now and what is the significance.....Well I just finished giving a gift to someone I have claimed numerous times to other people that I have no feelings for and all signs point to it being a case of Example 4. The gift took a lot of planning, had a lot of significance, not to mention the nervousness I felt when i sent the gift off. Writing all of this, there is no doubt that the gift falls under example four. So i ask myself am I lying to myself and others about my feelings for this person. I can't describe the joy i felt when the person told me they loved the present, it made my day. So maybe i'm not just feeling like the relationship is as Platonic as I say it is.......but that definitely is not a good thing based on the situation......

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Winter Break

Song Of The Day- Puff Daddy - Senorita
Currently Feeling- Happy (for a sad reason)

Winter break 2009........time is going by so fast. I've been kind of stressed lately although oddly, it has little to do about pharmacy applications which i just recently turned in. It has mainly to do with my job as the mastering chemistry teacher. It's just stressful, end of the year and hoping everyone got their grade transferred. It's one thing, someone getting a bad grade because they deserve it, but it's another thing for them to get a bad grade based on a clerical error. The problem is that there are 2000 students that i have to work on so there is a lot of pressure, for me at least.

Another thing is i'm in charge of 3 different labs. One of which i took over the last few weeks. In that class i've gotten 3 students begging for a grade bump. To be honest i don't remember 95% of that class. So i won't be doing any grade bumping.

So the next topic is my pharmacy application....Currently i'm not really stressed about them right now...mainly because i finished them early. If all goes well i should hear from them about next month. So by next month if i don't hear anything i'll be quite stressed/depressed. But until then i won't let it get the best of me. As for the school i'm applying to, well I have UofA, midwestern (glendale), University of Oregon, University of Illinois, and the 2 washington schools. It's hard to say what my top choice is. On one hand it would be really cool to live somewhere new, but on the other hand the idea of moving everything across the US seems quite unappealing. Not to mention this year has been a very odd year for me. A lot of my friends from Tucson have gone on to do their own thing and what i've found is i'm lacking a lot of good friends out here in Tucson. At the beginning of the year, I hung out a lot with Jase before he went to training. You coudl say I have Galen and Liana but it's different with them, not that they aren't good friends, but it's them and me...the dynamics of it is just different than lets say jase/steph/me. Maybe it's my fault i put myself in this position. It's not like i haven't had opportunities to hang out with different people, but i think it's just my nature where i would rather hang out with a couple close friends, then hang out with people i'm not as connected with. But then again, i guess you have to start somewhere. I guess i'll have a lot of thinking to do this break on where i would go if all things fell my way.

Kind of along this topic, i find myself spending a lot of time in Phoenix lately. I think it all has a lot to do with the same reasons listed above. But it's been cool kicking it with family, Moses and Adam, and Tonka. Like i've always said, I think i best judge a friendship on how i can hang out with them in dull situations. Like i know for a fact that i can hang out with Adam, Jase, Frank, and Moses doing nothing but watching TV and be fine with it. The same would apply to other people i consider close with. Like i don't feel compelled to come up with something interesting to say, it's relaxing.

The last tidbit that i wanted to talk about is of an article i read on yahoo a little bit ago that kind of hit home to me. I can't find the exact article but it had to do with manipulative people in relationships. I don't want to specify who, but someone fell into this category almost word for word. The sad thing was, hanging out with this person, in the back of my mind i kind of figured this out, but maybe i'm just to gullible or i'm just so susceptible to it that i just didn't peace it together. Anyways i believe i learned my lesson from it, but i also remember saying that once, and i fell back into it.

Random notes.....

Although this blog seems more like a collection of random thoughts, there are still a couple i don't know where exactly to place them including:

- I am hooked on the show Dexter, i dunno what it is but it is extremely entertaining to me, i'm engulfed into the show but sadly i'm almost caught up.

- the reason for me being happy is the fact that i was able to get push email on my phone.....yes its the small things in life.

- Another big thing for me this year has been holding on too much/waiting too much for things.....Maybe if things are to be they will find a way, but i don't think i can put things on hold for wishful thinking.

Friday, May 08, 2009

A Twitter Like Blog

I'm wondering how the summer is going to turn out. Lots of things that could either go really well or bad. Plus a Vegas trip hopefully happens.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Nice Guys Finish Last......Big Surprise

I just got home from grading. It was brutal, the one thing i tend to forget is when i drink coffee, I get anxious, and I drank way too much coffee today. At the end of the night, it felt like an out of body experience. Also some of the TA's bother me. I consider myself patient and in most situations I can handle most personalities. However when I'm locked up for an extended period of time, I start to lose it. Case in point, some TA's seem to just absolutely love to hear their own voice. By the time it was all said and done, hearing them talk was like scratching on a chalkboard.

Now that i finished venting a bit, I read an article that was on the front page of yahoo. It was entitled "Dating Question: can a guy be too nice?"

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/85967/dating-secret-exposed-why-nice-guys-finish-last

I guess its not new information. The phrase nice guys finish last has been around forever. However, reading it, I couldn't help but want to punch myself but it seems to match me to a T. I can't even remember the last time i said no to Kim. So i guess, how can i expect to respect me if I have no self worth in that sense. Maybe it's too late, but part of my new "reboot" will involve this too. I mean, it seems at time, she doesn't respect me and I guess the article is right and i can't really blame her.

So I mentioned a "reboot". Well i guess i'm just trying to improve myself and my situation. Like i wrote earlier, i've been in a slump for awhile. So far the plan is to eat healthier, keep the apt clean, workout more, i'm whitening my teeth, etc.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Still a Slave to My Feelings

I blogged years ago in order to kind of vent my feelings and thoughts. I overthink and overanalyze a lot of things which at times are good, but have always been quite cumbersome at times. It's just a part of who I am, and even after 6+ plus years of blogging, I'm still a slave to my thoughts and feelings. So why am I blogging again? Because once again I'm stuck thinking about this girl who I'm probably in love with and no matter what I do I can't change that fact. It's like Tawni all over again (like many people have related it to). Before I divulge deeping into matters, I wonder why Tawni and Kim have had such a strong influence on me while others have had minimal or not as devastating effects. It's weird, Tawni and Kim are very different yet they are the same. Tawni was always very sweet and affectionate, she was kind and I always felt that i could open up to her. Kim, is very affectionate and can be sweet, although it seems she can be pretty harsh to me. That's something i'll get to later though. But they both have that very alpha type personality. Maybe that's what I'm drawn to. Everyone else I was interested/dated were all nice but didn't have that domineering personality that Tawni and Kim have.

The reason why I like her isn't what has been on my mind. Rather, why do I still feel that way and whether or not it's good for me. I've been through this dance with her before. Last year to be exact, and it didn't end well for me. I moped around and it took me awhile before i felt like myself again. I was over it, I was free from thinking about her. Yet as summer was about to end, I still thought about her as i was gearing up to start teaching chemistry at the UofA. Not in that romantic aspect, but I remembered her attempting to get into pharmacy school, and even though i didn't know for sure at the time, I figured she didn't get in or I was sure that I would have heard about it.

Let me backtrack a little first though. It was the start of 2008 when i stopped talking to her. I had made a few attempts to try to reconnect but it was pretty obvious she was over it. She never blatantly said it, but whenever I called, you could just tell she wasn't interested in me. It's odd hanging out with a person every day then all of a sudden that dissapears. She was what I would look forward to, and she was always the first thing on my mind. But like I said, it ended and slowly I adjusted and life was all and well.

Getting back on track, I did something that not many people thought I would do. I told her about the TA position and helped her apply for the job. They told her no, and I wouldn't take that as an answer. I implored her to keep trying, and I continued to do everything possible to help make that possible. So the first thing that one could ask would be, why would I go through that much trouble for someone who dropped me from her life? Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a very passive person. I don't like to "stir the pot", I'll do things for myself or my friends but I would not have taken it to such limits as I did with Kim. For instance, if it was me who was rejected from the TA position, I would have accepted it and looked for another job. Same thing for almost anyone else. So why Kim? Was my feelings still there for her after all this time? Yes and no I'd say, of course my feelings didn't completely dissolve back into solution, but at the same time I wouldn't say I did it merely for her affection. I would say the primary reason I did it was because I remember how important getting into pharmacy school was for her and I figured that a chemistry teaching position would speak volumes for a position that is dependent on chemical structures. At the same time it's circular, and one could argue why would i care about her future wellbeing.

I guess it doesn't matter as I did what I did and she ended up getting the TA position. This is one of two times where I'm just been so happy involving her. I still remember waiting outside koffler and she stepped out and she had this huge smile on her face and she ran towards me and gave me a big hug saying she got the job. It's odd, the joy i felt, i can't seem to find an equal for with me. Like there is nothing that happened for me/to me in recent memory that could equal the same joy at that moment. The only other time where that joy has been rivaled was when she got into pharmacy school. After that moment, it was like we were inseperable. I would wake up, and hang out with her all day and everything would be perfect. Whether it was lunch, going out and doing something, or just watching tv. It as at that period of time, where I realized i was feeling the same emotions if not more than i was last year.

Things dont last forever though, and of course things evolve. I can almost pinpoint the exact moment that everything spiraled out of control for me. My sis and her fiancee moved in, thus forcing me out of my single bedroom apt and thus my own space. My pharmacy app was denied because my pharmacist had forgotten to turn in his letter of recomendation on time. And Kim had started dating someone, specifically someone from the pharmacy that i had just recently been transferred to. It was like everything that was going so right had flipped upside down. It was like Karma decided that things were going too well for me and was balancing it out.

If I had an FML (fuck my life)moment, it would have been "I recently was transferred to the pharmacy my friend works at, problem is I'm in love with my friend and she's dating someone there...FML". Things didn't go as planned however, and she ended up not working there anymore, but I still heard about there relationship non-stop for awhile as it chewed me up inside.

I tried to be optimist about things, but eventually my foundations started to crack. Could you blame me, everything good about that time from Aug-Dec were wonderful and then just like that it was all gone. The only solace in all of this was my budding friendship with Liana. Liana was someone who i previously referred to as Galen's girlfriend. However, we had class together and is always a breath of fresh air. She has turned out to be a very close friend of mine and someone I feel comfortable sharing what's on my mind. I've gotten a few people who have given me there theories about Liana and my relationship with her but it is not like that. Not like she wouldn't be good....she's gorgeous and has a wonderful personality, however in my mind I feel her and galen are a very good match and even though they broke up, I still feel like they'll end up together. As a result, i've never saw her in that light. But ya, I really do have to thank her for helping me get through the rough patch. For that, she bumps up into my group of friends who I hold in dear regard which would include Jase, Adam, Vicky, and Me'shell.

So it's April now, not December, so where do we all stand.....the best possible answer i could give you is, I don't know. Lately Kim has had her mean streak, but it's not like she's directed it towards everyone but solely at me. Like at times, shes a bit mean but I know she's kidding....I guess it's just the relationship we have. I mean I don't see her act like that towards anyone else which may or may not be a good thing. My rationale for it, was there is a comfort level between us where she can be mean to me. I liken it to the current relationship with Liana and Galen. They aren't together but she treats him differently, she gets angry at him but it's because she's comfortable letting him see that side of her. As close as we are, Liana doesn't hold me to the same standards as Galen. I'm hoping that that's why Kim sometimes treats me the ways she does. But going back to her mean streak, she was pushing the envelope to the point where I felt i was going to yell back at her (if you know me, you know i have very thick skin and rarely yell at someone). Things have definately eased since then but there was something today that I said that has me thinking. We were all out at lunch today when a situation arose where Kim could have potentially gotten in trouble. As the information was unraveling, almost instictively, I volunteered to "jump on the grenade" so to speak. I offered to take the blame for the situation even though I would have more to lose from the job aspect. The situation didn't call for those acts however and all was well. I don't know how the situation played out in front of Liana, David, Galen, or even Kim, but the fact that i was prepared to take the heat once again has me thinking. With recent events, Kim has given me absolutely zero reason to defend her like that. The past week she has treated me like garbage and has given me no reason for her actions. I've felt excluded from what's been going on with her. And you know, if she wants to treat me like that, then she has every right to. But why should I stick around to let her treat me like that. Yet even with all this frustration building because of her, i was willing to once again go out of my way for her.

So to sum it all up, I don't know where I am emotionally. Lets say that it was bad enough for me to blog again. In a perfect situation, ya I wish we were "together" in that sense but the reality of the situation is that that's not going to happen any time soon and the best situation would be for me to meet someone new. Unfortunately, every one including myself knows, that I always put on blinders when I like a person. Which means, the only person right now I want to be with is her until one day it just shuts off.......

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Great Mystery

I think nothing is scarier that what lies ahead. For awhile I've tried to avoid thinking of the future and what I need to prepare to do in order to put myself in the best situation to succeed. Sometimes I think that's my biggest flaw. I try to look the other way instead of look ahead. The idea of being on my own is daunting. Not in the sense of supporting myself but the importance of each of my decisions. I find myself thinking that maybe if I don't think about it, the time won't come but it is. I finally gathered up the courage to begin planning what I need to accomplish because that time is fast approaching. In two weeks I graduate college, something that seemed like light years so long ago. This summer will probably be one of the most busiest summers I'll have. I plan on taking 4 summer classes with 2 in the first half of the summer and the other 2 in the second half. While I graduate soon, since I didn't make up my mind to do pharmacy til junior year, I have to take some pre-rec classes for other colleges. The planned classes are math stats, physiology, public speaking, and physics. Also planned during the summer is some volunteer work at UMC thanks to my friend Ryan. I'm also trying to get a pharm tech job this summer hopefully. The problem with that is I think it's kind of hard to do without a pharmacy technician certification. I missed the deadline to take the test (although I looked at the practice test and realized if I just took it w/o studying I would prolly fail). I also looked up PCAT test dates and will be taking it on June 30th. I did decent the first time with a 90% on chemistry but I didn't do some hot on some of the other sections. Finally I started looking up places to live for next semester. It's crazy since Bottcher finally gave me indication to look for other roommates or somewhere else to live. Bottcher was a good roommate but I am looking forward to possibly living by myself. I looked at apartments today and there were a few prospects but it seems as if they all got horrible reviews online. So I'm at a bit of a dilemma in terms that I could live with myself in a 1 bedroom apartment but I would be paying more than 500 a month, with less privacy due to neighbors, paper thin walls which will make using my surround system difficult, not to mention general apt living isn't something I'm fond of, and most importantly tonka will have to go to my parents. I could also possibly stay at the house and get two new roommates. The problem with that is I've learned I want to live with people I know I can live with and that isn't easy. The plus to it though is cheaper rent, a nicer place, and I'm already moved in.


 

Anywho I'm getting tired so I'm gonna try to wrap up pretty clearly…


 

I went to Disneyland a couple weeks ago with Michelle, Kristen, Jason Bot, Liana, and Galen….it was a really fun trip and I wish I would have kept a better update on all of it. Maybe I'll try to write about it tomorrow just so that I can look back and remember the trip more haha.

I think I realized something last week when I was talking to someone on the phone and she told me something that left me a bit speechless. Needless to say, I don't know how big a shocker it is but whatever…